A Fluctuation of Sorts

....

2010-07-14T22:37:00.002+08:00

I'm just really tired and struggling. Just hanging in there and hoping to have the mood and energy to write.

I'm sad. it's like everybody has left & it's just me and my thoughts. La-reve, if you are reading this, I'm sorry for not being on blogsphere as much as I like. I wish you all the best. You have been supportive and I am grateful for making your acquaintance.

Please drop by and let me have your new add should you decide to write.

Down by the water

2010-06-28T17:19:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry for not posting. I have been getting by and going to work and surrounding myself with happy pretty things. But when night falls, I'm surrounded by loneliness and tears and bad dreams and restless sleep.

Nothing really did trigger this, but this is the life I have grown accustomed to.

I will try to take pictures instead to mark the moment, for words just don't seems logical to me. And my emotions.. it's just difficult to pen it into words.

Heard this song by The Drums and the melancholy tinge to it just sums up my mood right now.

yup, I'm depressed again...

2010-06-03T00:47:00.002+08:00

Haven't been work for 3 days. Mood = low. Back (mid spine) = hurts.

Thoughts of killing myself have surfaced and getting panicky over thoughts of going back to work tomorrow.

Thoughts = can't control. tired of it all. hope to sleep and forget and want to cry. Sooo tired..

Feeling very depressed and misearble again

2010-04-26T08:44:00.001+08:00

Feeling that my life is meaningless & I'm so tired . I can't get the zest back in and I just want to sit at home and nt work. Dragged myself out and bracing for a short & uneventful day.

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A slice of cake, a slice of happiness?

2010-04-19T19:40:00.002+08:00

I have bee having highs and lows. Nothing too drastic but noticeable to myself. can't really explain how I'm feeling.. one moment confident, another low and hating myself for everything.

Can't seems to learn my lessons in courting troubles. People will get bored of me so will I of others and myself. I can feel myself changing my mind and thoughts very often. I need to get the stability going in me, the lack of unwanted attention and troubles and I should be thankful of the goodness in my life and not itching to jeopardize it when things are going well.

My Dr ever told me that I like to do things to jeopardize my happiness or when everything seems to be going smoothly. Maybe there's still a part of me that feels I shouldn't be happy...

Anyway, recognising it is the first step for anything.

Bought a nice strawberry chestnut cake after work today and had it with a cold cup of coffee.

Hope you are well too.

Broke down and cried

2010-04-09T18:16:00.002+08:00

I finally cried after so many months, the heartfelt deep wrenching kind. But I don't feel any better. I used to feel better when I cried but it doesn't seems to help very much this time.

It has been eating me for many weeks and I just keep rationalising how I feel, how I should feel and what not to feel, where not to go. How not to venture deep into that dark place in my mind. And it's always here, never really gone, waiting patiently to take over, to remind me that I'm just not normal... That I can pretend or think that I'm attractive & smart, but only it knows how ugly I really am. That beneath this smart, confident & competent exterior, I'm actually a complete wreck.

That I need another man's compliment when I have my husband's. That I'm flattered by attention and I let my vanity and ego rule. Was I maniac or I'm just being human? I did nt do anything wrong but would I if I did nt exercise control? I let someone messed with my mind and being messed up enough this brain of mine... I am in utter confusion by everything that had happened.

The boy I mentioned last week told me that he's afraid he will fall for me and thus nt want to mt me. That's ok, I'm flattered and I think less contact means less temptations and less chance I would do anything morally wrong. That was Wednesday. I couldn't sleep well. Last night he MSG some stuffs to me and the last MSG came at 2.30am! That woke me up and I couldn't sleep.

I was angry for being disturbed. And my mind is all messed up bcos of lack of sleep for 2 days.

Why would he want to play with my mind? Why did I allow it? I keep telling myself nt to get involved with new people and stay away from human relationships. Even at work I try to stay a distance.

Anyway, it's back and I dunno how to control it. I know it was here all along, waiting for the right moment to attack.

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my current mood & non-committal people

2010-04-01T16:58:00.002+08:00

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

Appreciating the sky after a long day of rain

2010-03-26T15:42:00.000+08:00

Taken last Monday on the way home from my haircut.

depressed agian

2010-03-26T12:46:00.003+08:00

I didn't have to work these 2 days and the weekend will be here tomorrow. I slept quite a bit yesterday but woke up early today.

I have been feeling depressed again today. Just felt so lost, unloved and lonely.. no idea what triggered it. Maybe I could have suppressed my emotions too much last week because I didn't want to think or feel anything.

I can't breathe easily and the hole is back and I get teary for no reasons.

I was on FB and I saw pictures of my friend's daughter and I feel like I'm missing something... that I could never be a mother and that is such a wonderful experience.

I'm gonna go watch my shows that I have recorded and never had the time to watch. Maybe TV will make me feel better.

And I will have to make a trip to the clinic to get my meds- must do so next week latest!

cuppa coffee

2010-03-26T12:36:00.002+08:00

I was having training for the last 7 days, busy organising and ensuring that everything runs smoothly for sites visits. Had to put on multiple hats of public relations, personal assistant and event manager... I had fun, but was very tired at the end of each day that all I wanted to do is crawl in bed and sleep.

I love the coffee provided by the hotel, get a good caffeine kick at the start of each morning.

Night terror

2010-03-11T08:30:00.001+08:00

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

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Need to rest

2010-03-10T21:47:00.002+08:00

I've decided that I need a break (official) as I have working late far too often. I ended work yesterday at 530pm (suppose to work till 2pm - excluding lunch) and I was very tired. Anyway, I gave some thoughts about my working hours and decided that this is not conducive to my health and since I have been working late everyday and I can't seems to leave on time because there's too much work and everything seems to be on a deadline, I decided to take today off. And yes, if I work 5 hours tomorrow and on Friday, I would have still exceeded my 25hrs/week... since I worked extra 4 hrs last week... so this never ends really.

so, I would really love to complete my necessary tasks tomorrow and leave say 1.30pm?

worth a thought. My hubby and friends say, just shut down and leave on time, yet I can't seem to and I know it's my rights but I feel kinda bad. (see, how I just ask for trouble and stress... sigh...)

I had a good rest today, it rained and was cool. But I'm still so tired! I read a bit and watched many episodes of 90210 which I have recorded. Mood wise, not too good, but manageable.

Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

2010-03-08T00:35:00.002+08:00

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

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Tree Veins

2010-03-06T15:00:00.003+08:00

Walking alone on the pavement towards the library, I heard the sounds of bird chirping and I looked up. Beautiful veins, beautiful skies.

... If only it wasn't so humid.

Just for a day?

2010-03-04T23:43:00.002+08:00

Nothing beats a cold cold shower after a hot day. 4 days of work can be mentally exhausting, especially since I haven't work for 6 months. Though I'm a casual worker, not full time, I do feel the stress but I enjoy the work.

I had a bad dream last night and I woke up crying. I'm just feeling tired and coping with my emotions and thoughts. Thank goodness it's Friday tomorrow... maybe a day of brooding and letting my thoughts run may help, but I can't let it wander too far and have to rein it in before it takes over.

Good night.

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Everything is related

2010-02-27T18:39:00.001+08:00

I'm glad that I made it through this week. I have been giddy & tired pretty often, most likely due to my menses that started on Monday. And my feet hurts, at the heel area, so I can't walk and much as I wanted to make a trip out to buy some bread and get a nice cold ice blended coffee to cool down in this hot humid weather, I can't and i decided not to push myself to walk in case it gets worse.

My mood hasn't been very good but I'm hanging there & motivating myself. Not sure if it's due to hormones or brain chemicals, but they are all related somehow...

Watching tv & reading "Black Hills" by Nora Roberts and feeling sluggish and just tired. Will write again.

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Mood dipped and ANTM dark shots

2010-02-21T01:31:00.005+08:00

After all my enthusiasms and motivation and being on the ball, my mood dipped today and now I feel that there's a stone wedge in my heart. I feel lousy, depressed and want to cry. I feel miserable and I can't breathe.

My heart is heavy. And it hurts and it keeps me down.

On another note, I wanted to blog about this yesterday... I watched America Next Top Model 13 on Thursday and these pictures strike me.

Erin- Distressed, in pain, vulnerable, torturous, rejected and lonely

A judge mentioned that she is like an alien, I find her a misfit and in distress.

Nicole- Sensual and mesmerizing. Like a fairy in the unknown. Mysterious.

The photos taken were great. Like an art work. Gorgeous.

And my pain and misery continue to leach my essence and my head pound and cries. Possibly my PMS and nothing else, but if the monster is back, please don't take it all, have a little mercy. Please, just leave it.... hear my cries....

March has been a fearful month for me and since last year, April too. I'm worried and I'm so scared that it will happen again and I just want to cry my tears of fear.

Julie and Julia

2010-02-17T15:40:00.002+08:00

Julie and Julia

I'm watching the movie and typing this and laughing at the witty
dialouges and cooking scene especially when Julie (Amy Adams)
struggles to cook the lobster.

This is a great movie and I think I will add it on to my lists of
favourite shows that I probably would not get bored watching. And
Meryl Streep completely transformed herself into Julia Child, I'm
momentarily surprised that she is the same actress in "The Devil wears
Prada".

There's a dialouge in Julia scene where her husband wrote to his
brother.

"Dear Charlie.

Julia in front of her stove has the same fascinatiom for me as
watching a kettle drummer at the symphony. The oven door open and
shuts so fast, you hardly notice the deft thrust of a spoon as she
dips into a casserole, and up to her mouth for a taste check like a
perfectly-timed double beat
on the drums. Then with her bare fingers, she snatches a set of
cannelloni out of the pot of boiling water, and she cries "These damn
things are as hot as a stiff cock.". "

Haha. I love the way he describe the cooking in comparison to a
drummer symphony and the added remark by Julia is funny end.

I keep smiling as I watched this, hw 2 person from 2 different era
finds themselves through cooking and the joy of feeding others and the
food. Gosh, I have the urge to taste some of the food in the recipes.

And I understand how Julie felt when she started on this project and
asked for a deadline because she says she never completes anything and
I can relate to it because I have also started many projects in my
life that I have put aside because I grew bored with it or because I
have lost my motivation. So i'm glad that I have carried on blogging
these past few years even though there are some dry spells.

I think it's a great and fun idea to start a blogging project for 365
days, but let's just keep it as an idea because I can't think of any
project I want to start now.

Do watch this movie or do you like it if you have already watched it?

:) I'm feeling happy today.

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started work

2010-02-11T21:28:00.001+08:00

I have started work, everything is ok so far, kind of like it but feeling tired physically. Afraid to take on too much and burn myself out.

Will have a good rest.

When I woke up...

2010-01-31T17:05:00.005+08:00

I woke up at 9 am this morning and slept again, woke up at around 1230 pm. I felt better but with feeling of regrets over last night's (this morning) episode. I had a maniac- angry episode, with loads of anxiety and despair.

I am very thankful for my husband. He calmed me down, stroked my back as I slept and told me not to feel stressed and scared over working again. Night times are always the worst for me when I'm anxious and stressed.

I'm worried that I can't sleep tonight and I hope I can manage it. It's like once I spent 2 days sleeping at close to 3 because of nights out, I can't fall asleep at 12 or 1 am again.

Getting ready to go out and celebrate my grandma's birthday tonight. Called a cake shop and reserved a cake, will collect it on the way to her place.

trapped

2010-01-31T03:44:00.002+08:00

I feel trapped by life, by expectations again. I cannot breathe. I may faint again and get another zap. I dun feel good. I want to scream & cry & pray. My head hurts and I can't breathe.

Maybe if I can sleep....then I will deal with it again.

I want to die if I can't sleep

2010-01-31T03:05:00.004+08:00

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

Sleepy afternoon

2010-01-23T16:11:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling better though still feels giddy on & off. The runny nose has stopped though I still feel tired and sluggish.

Had a great time catching up with H, an old friend who has moved away. The time spent together was great, just shopping, chatting and laughing. I hope to meet her again next week before she leaves if she has the time. It's a blessing to find friends you are comfortable to be around, who understands you and not judge you.

I'm thinking of going shopping as there are some discounts in town. But the wind keeps blowing into my room and it's making me sleepy. But I'm not suppose to sleep anymore...I slept for almost 12 hours last night! I woke up close to 1 pm and I'm still tired, wonder if it's because of the flu I had.

I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

2010-01-20T23:53:00.004+08:00

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Marian Keyes & my story

2010-01-12T12:22:00.005+08:00

I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people"

I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.

I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...

I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.

My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.

He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.

I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.

In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.

Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is Rachel's holiday.

This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.

I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.

Marian Keyes's Newsletter Jan 2010

Marian Keyes: crippling depression has made my life a living hell

That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton

One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk“

source

359 days to go.

2010-01-06T17:37:00.006+08:00

Happy New year everyone! It's 2010, isn't it great?

ok, a little forced enthuiasm here, but I'm trying with my heart and mind to be really positive and optimistic. When 201o rang in and the night was cool and breezy, I told myslef this is going to be a great year! Definitely much better than 2009 where I was back stabbed and lost my job because of jealousy and pure evilness and nothing to do with my illness as all. I worked really hard but because of bad mouthing and pretension of being nice and all, my supervisor turned the tables on me. I really hate her. I have never really dislike someone so intensely- not even the previous J at the ex workplace (Thinking back I could have handled that better) but this completely stuns me. How she talked to me, how 2 faced she is, one moment all sugar & nice and another spit & spite.

OK. sigh.

The thing is, I was really upset about the loss of the job, because I gave it my all. I kept to a routine, I slept early, avoid streesors within my control and I did my best. I felt betrayed by God, that why it had to happen this way, when I tried so hard.

Then there's my health.

I had a fainting episode and the A&E Dr suspects it was a seizure. My left side was weaker and I was giddy all the time. I had to be admitted and had CT & MRI brain and the works. This became one of the excuses to rid me from my workplace.

Than after the zap, I was ok. I went to work as normal, didn't have a break down as I thought I would have went I lost my job and when all seems well ( I patted myself on the back for handling the disasters in my life with grace)... I was infected with H1N1 at the peak of the outbreak here where nothing seems confirmed, people dies and the no. of people infected was on the news everyday. And I was supposed to go to Taiwan for my wedding anniversary trip. 2 days before, I was having a bad sore throat and started having a fever as high as 39.4 degrees celsius. I thought I was going to die when they swabbed me. And I had drug reaction to Tamiflu and I had rashes on my body with very pronounced rash on my thighs. I had to continue with Tamiflu because that was the miracle drug see, that was the only drug known to treat H1N1 then. And at that moment I knew that if the allergy does not disappear on it own, I would have anaphylaxis and I was truly scared. I had food and drug allergic reaction before and was treated at the hospital 10 years ago for anaphylaxis. Flushing, hives, diarrhoea, airways closing- all happened.

I am thankful the worst didn't happen. The rashes flared and died down on its own. I didn't die.

It was at this moment that I realised that I want to live and when I get depressed and hopeless with myself, I tried really hard to remember this incident and convinced myself that I WANT TO LIVE! It's hard when the future is bleak and when I'm convinced that I'm a good for nothing useless bum that no one wants to hire you (I'm waiting for an interview and there're no calls) and when the mood suddenly hits rock bottom after a couple days high.

The point of this post is - yay, good riddance 2009.

And how much I sincerely want this year to be abetter year for me. Of course 2009 has alot to be thankful for. Trips and meeting up with friends and all the love I received.

I want to live better. Not like this. Better and I have to try. I have never written goals but maybe this year I will try. Nothing impressive but I should. Even simple things like "read more than 50 books" sounds good. And of course "get a job", better if "get a job I really like" but beggars can't be choosers.

The thing is, this year and maybe even the next will be difficult for all of us. Things may not go according to plan, and we may not be able to control our moods but hang in there. Wish a little, pray and believe that somehow things may change and one day we can live the life we can only dream of.

Happy New Year. Let's hang on together.

Clarity of the Moon. Looking at it in awe, I can't help but make a wish.

please understand when I don't answer the phone

2009-12-23T17:12:00.004+08:00

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain

But I turn them off and tuck them away

'till these rainy days that make them stay

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday

And I dont think they'll ever go away

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone

So please understand if I dont answer the phone

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls

Until I can see nothing at all

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

source

Brittany Murphy dead? Can't be.

2009-12-21T17:51:00.003+08:00

I can't believe that she's dead! I just watched "Ramen Girl" a couple of weeks ago, not to mention "Girl, Interrupted".

People don't die at 32 from cardiac arrest. It's too sudden.

Brittany Murphy, 32, dies mysteriously in her Los Angeles home

Actress Brittany Murphy dead at 32

Christmas lights at home

2009-12-21T17:12:00.003+08:00

Toffe Nut Latte - my favourite Christmas drink since 2006.

Starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might.

My Christmas lights at home

Say "Hello" to my snowman at my door!

It's 4 more days to Christmas! Will be having a X'mas party at a friend's place during lunch, no plans for dinner and for the rest of the day, will see how it goes.

During the last couple of years, X'mas also means having a great break as my company has mandatory holiday till New Year. This year, for some reasons, I do not experience the same excitements or anticipations. On the other hand, I felt apprehension and anxiety, because I have nothing to show for myself since the year is ending and 2010 is approaching in 10 days. I'm worried because I haven't found a job and that I'm wasting away. I just feel uneasy and worried.

Anyhow, this is a lovely time for celebrations and joy and I always believe in the magic of Christmas and the lovely smell that the wind brings in at the end of the year.

I wish all of my friends a Merry Christmas and may peace and joy be with you all.

Reading List Jan-Nov 09

2009-12-11T15:48:00.005+08:00

I can't believe I have read so many books this year, well, I do have a lot of free time on my hands though. Although I have came across some reading blogs that have bloggers reading a whole lot more and I'm so impressed!

New target for next year then. Gambette!

One great book to recommend:

47. The Neighbor by Lisa Gardner

My 2 cents worth: "Great book. Twisted and disturbing, a part of character continuation from "Say Goodbye". I couldn't put it down and everything finally made sense in the end when you link the 2 books together."

59. Wings: more than 50 high flying recipes for America, Debbie Moose - CB

58. The Pearl Diver, Sujata Masey - R

57. The Floating Girl, Sujata Massey - R

56. The Flower Master, Sujata Massey - R

55. Zen Attitude, Sujata Massey - R

54. The Salaryman's Wife, Sujata Massey -R

53. Madness: A Biploar Life, Marya Hornbacher -Bio

52. The Omega-3 Connection, Andrew L Stoll MD - NF

51."The Perfect Christmas","Debbie Macomber"

50."Gabriel's Angel","Nora Roberts"

49."First Impressions: First Impressions\Blithe Images","Nora Roberts"

48."Divine Evil","Nora Roberts"

47."The Neighbor","Lisa Gardner"

46."Smash Cut","Sandra Brown"

44/45."Be My Valentine: My Funny Valentine\My Hero","Debbie Macomber"

42/43."Wyoming Brides: Denim and Diamonds\The Wyoming Kid","Debbie Macomber"

41."Sooner or Later LP","Debbie Macomber"

40."Homeport","Nora Roberts"

39."Practically Perfect","Katie Fforde"

37/38."Two Of A Kind: Impulse\The Best Mistake (Mira Hardbacks)","Nora Roberts"

36."Ghost Moon","Karen Robards",

35."Body Double (Jane Rizzoli, Book 4)","Tess Gerritsen"

34."Red Lily (In the Garden, Book 3)","Nora Roberts"

33."Black Rose: In the Garden Trilogy (In the Garden)","Nora Roberts"

32."Blue Dahlia(In the Garden, Book 1)","Nora Roberts"

31."Shanghai Girls: A Novel","Lisa See"

29/30."Married In Seattle: First Comes Marriage\Wanted: Perfect Partner","Debbie Macomber"

28."Poppy Done to Death: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery","Charlaine Harris"

27."The Apprentice (Jane Rizzoli, Book 2)","Tess Gerritsen"

26."Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden Mysteries, Book 1)","Charlaine Harris"

25."If You Live Like Me","Lori Weber"

24."Morning Comes Softly (Harper Monogram)","Debbie Macomber"

23."The Killing Hour","Lisa Gardner"

22."Hide","Lisa Gardner"

21."Looking for Peyton Place: A Novel","Barbara Delinsky"

20."Gone","Lisa Gardner"

19."Chesapeake Blue (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts"

18."Inner Harbor: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #3 (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts",

17."Rising Tides: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #2 (The Quinn Brothers Trilogy)","Nora Roberts",

16."Sea Swept: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #1 (Chesapeake Bay Mysteries)","Nora Roberts"

15."The Surgeon: A Novel","Tess Gerritsen"

14."Knit Two: A Friday Night Knitting Club Novel","Kate Jacobs"

13."The Friday Night Knitting Club","Kate Jacobs"

12."Key of Valor","Nora Roberts","0515136530"

11."Key of Knowledge","Nora Roberts"

10."Key of Light","Nora Roberts"

9. "Say Goodbye","Lisa Gardner"

8. "Blue Smoke and Murder","Elizabeth Lowell"

7. "Meet Me in Venice","Elizabeth Adler"

6. "Tribute","Nora Roberts"

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis" - NF

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Recharged and happy

2009-12-11T14:35:00.004+08:00

I'm back from my short trip to Malacca. It was great! I had a fantastic time and I went a little crazy shopping and eating all the awesome food! We walked a lot and met plenty of kind & polite people there. I feel happy.

I'm feeling lazy today. Reading blogs and going to watch some TV later. Really need to have a job, need to get my butt up and work for passion, money.. whatever.. I have to. I can't survive too long on my savings and I need to get my brain working again.

Hope there're good job opportunities in the classified tomorrow.

road trip!

2009-12-07T02:54:00.004+08:00

I'm not sleepy and I woke up at 5am yesterday morning after falling asleep at 1230am. wide eyed at 5am in the morning is not fun. I was willing myself to doze back to sleep or to get up and surf the net. Sleeps beckons.

Anyway, I will be calling it a night soon - there's simply too many things to do online! and going to sleep and hopefully be up at 745am. Going for a short trip with friends and please pray for me that nothing happen on the roads and during the trip. That all of us will be safe and sound.

Good night.

Butterfly Fly Away

2009-12-03T02:09:00.005+08:00

I watched "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and I fell in love with a few songs and the energy. It's targeted for kids and I'm already moving on in my age, but it's fun and it's nice. Sometimes all you need are things that make you happy and chick flicks are one of them.

My granny and mum took care of me as a child and this song brought me back to 3 when I was a pesky toddler, to 7 when I started P1 and to 9, when I had to take my streaming exams in Primary school. I wished I had a dad to be part of this, but he died 1 month before I was born due to an accident. I think this song perfectly describes the relationship a little girl would like with her father, or what I would like to have. But I'm thankful to my mum & granny for being there and I'm sad and crying because I miss what I couldn't have.

My heart hurts when I thought of them trying to get me into better school, but were turned away by the elite school because of my single parent status. A kind sister interviewed and accepted me into a convent school and here I am. I've always wonder how I would be like if I ended up in a neighborhood school or an elite school. How would my health be like. Which way of the scale would I tip over? Be part of a gang? Or trying desperately trying to fit in the upper class like "Gossip Girls" and "The OC"?

It's now back to basic and I want to dedicate this song to my mum and granny for all those years.

Butterfly Fly Away

You tucked me in, turned out the light

Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair

Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana

"Hannah Montana: The movie"© WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY;

source

sleep! let me sleep!

2009-12-01T03:55:00.000+08:00

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!

want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

To all my friends: Hang In there

2009-12-01T02:27:00.003+08:00

To all my friends out there, thank you for your encouragement. I find this song fitting for all and I want to tell you all to hang on to anything, everything. Each shred of hope, light and belief. That we will get through the pain and never ending difficulties and disappointment, and though it may never be over... hanging on is all we have now.

Hang on -Plumb

hang on when the water is rising
hang on when the waves are crashing
hang on just don't ever let go

i'm so stubborn, it's how i got here
so alone, feels like forever
wanna swim away
and breath the open air
I feel so afraid
then I hear you say

hang on when the water is rising
hang on when the waves are crashing
hang on just don't ever let go

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here
I'm starving for what I hold so dear
like a huricane
takes everything
from me, wake me from this dream

hang on when the water is rising
hang on when the waves are crashing
hang on just don't ever let go
hang on when you are barely breathing
hang on when your hearts still beating
hang on just don't ever let go

three days, thirty years
so hopeless doesn't matter
don't say it's too late
if you blink your eyes
the sun is rising
the sun is rising

hang on when the water is rising
hang on when the waves are crashing
hang on just don't ever let go
hang on when you are barely breathing
hang on when your hearts still beating
hang on just don't ever let go

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

2009-12-01T02:05:00.002+08:00

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

source

I can't wash it away!

2009-11-26T02:27:00.004+08:00

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised, I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

source

I forget how it was like to dream...

2009-11-21T01:31:00.004+08:00

lost all will to live, i'm just staying alive... just breathing, just getting through each day.

recently gone down to a low low, haven't reach this point in a very long time, kept crying, felt literally empty and the place where my heart is was just a huge gaping hole that doesn't hurt, just empty, just void, just a space where the heart used to be.

fear smells bitter, throat constricted, breathing laboured.

trying to reach above again, trying to hold on to reality.

i can smell my past, can be transported to another world, another time.

the lines are blurring, i forget reality. the real world is too loud.

but i'm so tired. i just want to sleep and escape. but the dreams are not helping.

will be fine. i hope.

source

I'm here

2009-11-08T01:47:00.002+08:00

I'm here, ok.

Things were ok but it's up and down and I just didn't want to think anymore.

I'm rather low, want to cry and wish it will never return.

Oh boy. it's the start all over again... just not as bad as before- I hope.

My June

2009-07-07T12:04:00.003+08:00

So I have served my one month's notice at work. I'm officially jobless again. I feel lost and aimless.

And guess what? I contracted H1N1 2 Sundays ago, was on Tamiflu and had a rash plus nausea and generally sicker than I have ever been.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Asked to leave

2009-06-02T21:34:00.002+08:00

Last wed, I was told that the company was unable to confirm me because of my hospitalisation due to the query seizure attack and the medical leave I took.

I cried and was very demoralized.

I accepted that it's purely business and nothing personal, but now I have to put up with endless gossips and some awful b**** who keeps making life and things difficult for me. I want to cry but I keep telling myself that if I can through this, I can handle the next job and difficult co-workers. I have gone through worse right? I ca do this, but it's so mentally exhausting to keep fighting within yourself.

I want to give up and I want to cry.

I have till end of month, 26 May 09. It's such a long way, but counting only working days, I have 18 days to go. I need to go through this. Please help me.

Tired

2009-05-08T19:58:00.000+08:00

I'm ok, just very tired and hoping to sleep in over the weekend.

Threatened

2009-05-06T21:24:00.003+08:00

I'm in a agitated and depressed mood. I feel lousy because I was "threatened" to have a flu vaccination as I work in a healthcare setting. Due to the H1N1 outbreak around the world, my hospital is encouraging all healthcare workers to be vaccinated.

So far there's no case here, but we are in Orange alert. This means temperature taking, masks and declaration of travel history in all government buildings and hospitals.

I was told that if we were to refuse vaccination, we would not be covered medically if we contract flu. That is pure rubbish. I do not want to to be injected because I cannot be sick, I have had vaccination before and I had fever and aches. I can't be sick, I would crash and my mood would be affected. I need to protect myself. I have also read that Vaxigrip may affect the nerves and I recently had a seizure scare and though my MRI was cleared, my tingling sensation still persist on and off.

My mood is dropping today, I was just so agitated, frustrated and I want to cry. I'm getting tired again and to cheer myself, I went to Cold Storage for a walk and bought yogurt and milk. I feel so lonely and helpless and being threatened just made me want to lash out.

N, my colleague agrees that it is not fair and having someone on my side helps. I will have to see how it goes tomorrow. Not only that, I was volunteered to administer the vaccination injection. It's not my job scope and though I am a nurse by training, I haven't given any injection for a year and I'm scared. I have no confidence in myself and I really do not want to do it. I brought a needle and syringe home to practise on a sponge, the vaccination is on next Friday just so it won't disrupt work activities and well, if we do get a fever, we can recover over the weekend.

I ma just so upset. I can't seem to let it go.

I want to stay home and not work anymore.

Silence Please

2009-04-10T20:14:00.005+08:00

I don't feel good. Bothe physically and mentally.

My head is spinning thoughts. I can't stop, I can't silence it. I was ok yesterday, the day before. I was even a little hyper, organising my CDs, DVDs collection and listing it all out on my hub's advice because I couldn't find the CDs I want when I want to. And all the CDs and VCDs brings back memories. I have only list out a drawer on paper and I'm tired.

I walked in and out. I read, stop. watched TV. stop. started another book. stop.

Started Madness: A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. I was fearful even as a child. Was that when it all started for me? I think so, but I can't really remember.

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

2009-04-08T11:13:00.002+08:00

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master the language soon.

If you leave

2009-04-07T12:08:00.000+08:00

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.

Beautiful sunset skies

2009-04-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

2009-04-06T23:55:00.003+08:00

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

Partial Seizures that's what I have

2009-04-03T19:10:00.004+08:00

I didn't get better and was sent to A&E on Wednesday morning. I was still having very bad headache and was very giddy. In the end I was admitted for observation for a day and was discharged yesterday.

I was admitted for having giddiness for 3/7, then my diagnosis was changed to Fits in the A&E recovery room. Finally they admitted me for having a complex partial seizures. The diagnosis scares me.

I did a CT brain scan and had an EEG. My CT scan was ok and am now waiting for my EEG report, out maybe next week.

I was quite a baby when I was admitted and to much embarrassment, the nurses and Drs were very kind to me. The night nurse found me crying and it's one of those times when you are so scared and worried that you just cannot stop. I was very depressed and I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't say why I'm crying and I was embarrassed to be crying because I work in the hospital and I don't know how to explain my emotions. The lights were off at 9pm and in total darkness, I felt trapped and had a panic attack and I was so lonely and my heart hurt so bad. I was in a deep hole and I was so so so depressed.

She comforted me and made me a hot drink. That night I had a fainting episode again, the ground was moving and my head was light headed and my hands and feet were numb and had tingling sensation. I was confined to bed and feeling more scared, cried some more. In the end, my hubby came and held my hand.

I also felt trapped because no one knew what's really wrong with me and I couldn't be 100% honest about my medical history because that's a secret I will have to carry to my grave. I have thought about it and have decided that unless I have a tumor in my brain and need to be operated on or something and that it is necessary to disclose, i will do so. Otherwise, I can't bear it. For all the mental health awareness program in this country, it's a taboo and no one really understand.

The CT scan and EEG was an eye opener, the technician showed me the probes and my reading on the computer screen but the DR will have to analyse it and write the report. While capturing the awake mode, she flashes bright lights in my eyes (my eyes were closed) and made me breathe in and out very quickly for 3 mins to collect some readings. These made my headache worse and my limbs numb and tingly. In the sleep mode, she played some music and I tried to relax and sleep. I think I did sleep for a short while and she was satisfied with the readings. The whole procedure took 30 min or longer.

I'm home and recovering. Though my right side is still slightly weaker, it seems this is the residual effect of the seizure and will go away. I'm actually wondering if I had a seizure because of my BP condition. This brain of mine has seems to be in shock and wasted. I don't feel the same today. I need to ask my psy Dr when I see him 2 weeks later.

I feel blessed to be alive. Ironic for someone in this state.

I think I'm OK though. Hmm..

Got an earlier appointment

2009-03-31T12:17:00.002+08:00

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a panic attack and dare I imagine, a small seizure when I found myself shaking.

Anyhow, I called the clinic and asked if they could give me an earlier appointment. Its now 14 Apr instead of 28 Apr. 2 weeks ahead, better than none. I have request to be on a waiting list in case anyone cancelled their appointment and I can be seen in their place.

My head hurts. I feel that there is something in there and I want to throw up and my eyes hurts.

I'm giddy and although it's not a pleasant feeling, I wouldn't mind fainting again, just so I can get myself admitted and speed up the investigational process.

I cried alot and my mum cried too. She is afraid that there is really something wrong with me and I may die.

I'm just staring into space and I'm afraid to work in case I faint at work in front of my patients. I don't know what to think really.

I may have epilepsy

2009-03-30T15:04:00.003+08:00

I thought I had died and came back.

This morning at 630am, I woke up and was preparing to go to work. I was brushing my teeth and felt very giddy, my mom gave me a chair and asked me to sit down, I continues to brush my teeth but the heaviness of the head was too much to bear. I placed my head down and I fainted. I heard my mum calling for my husband and the rest was a blank. When I fought to reagin consciousness, I saw stars, bright spots, and a circle. I was out for around 5-10 mins.

I knew I was breaking out in cold sweat, and I was very scared.

My husband told me that I was shivering and my hands and legs were trembling and shaking. I went to my GP and he suggest neurological tests to rule out epilepsy. I need to be seen by a neurologist for EEG and CT scans. I used to have fainting spells when I was in my teens. That will cost me alot of money. I had to call my boss as my hubby was the one who called earlier to inform that I fainted. Epilepsy is another taboo illness. I really don't think I can keep this job for long.

I have worked out the total cost to be $ 600. My illnesses are getting too expensive. I have left a msg for my psychiatrist and am waiting for him to call.

My earliest neuro appt is on the 28 Apr 09. That's long time to wait and I'm paying private rate in a hospital.

The monster came

2009-03-26T19:21:00.002+08:00

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

This made yesterday easier to bear

2009-03-20T18:49:00.003+08:00

I was still feeling down but forced myself to work yesterday. I had to. My colleague is on leave and I have to cover her study. I am a research coordinator and this involves meeting and talking to alot of people and it's hard when you are depressed but you have to put on a front and just do it. It was a very tiring day yesterday and I went home beat.

Back to the morning, while I was dragging my feet up the stairs to the bus stop, I saw this tiger cat sleeping in such an adorable way. I went closer and took out my phone and it woke up and looked at me, and upon realizing that all I want is a picture, it promptly covered its eyes! This made me smile and I felt slightly better that I can get on with the day.

Work was tiring and I got snapped at. I went home and I cried, the dam broke and my tears couldn't stop. I woke up puffy eyed and a very dazed Jessica.

Anyway I had a training course today and it ended early. I reached home at 5pm and at 520 saw that I've a missed call at 511. I called back and the Dr asked if I'm still around to see a patient to explain regarding the research. I told her I've left. I felt guilty that I left and I'm worried if she will think the worst of me. She said never mind, can see next week. But the conflicting thought is it's already 520pm and today we end work at 530pm It's Friday after all. I hate holding work phone.

I must stop learning to be guilty and get upset over such matters. Who are they to judge? If I can do my work that all that matters. But what happen if I can't work well? I'm fearful.

Anyway I'm home and the weekend is here. I'm feeling very fearful and teary and my heart seems to be pounding in a hollow space. I can hear it go "thud thud thud".

I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

2009-03-18T20:06:00.003+08:00

I must clarify that I only visit the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't. I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no.

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me.

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

colours and fly into another world

2009-03-17T23:46:00.002+08:00

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.

My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

2009-03-15T18:46:00.004+08:00

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Too soon to crash

2009-03-11T19:26:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling so anxious that I'm actually shaking. How can i go through this again?

My heart is pounding and my chest hurts.

I know with every ups will be a crashing down. But I can't cope with this. Would people be talking about me behind my back? How can I face their looks tomorrow. Would they gossip about me not being at work since I started only 6 weeks ago? 6 weeks but it felt so long. It's too soon but I feel the burnout and stress creeping out. Would I be ask to go?

Reading list Mar 09

2009-03-11T18:05:00.001+08:00

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis"

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Strong virus

2009-03-11T13:53:00.003+08:00

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine.

This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

flu and upsets

2009-03-09T18:54:00.004+08:00

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.

This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it.

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself.

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by.

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.

I need a purpose to get up each day.

Please ignore me, I'm new

2009-02-24T18:35:00.004+08:00

I stayed home today because I felt rather sick. Both physical and mental.

My legs were very weak and i felt giddy when I stood up. I couldn't fight to go to work and I knew part of it is due to my moods.

I distracted myself with the internet for the last 3 hours and even though I felt sleepy after taking the painkillers and stemetil and prednisolone and flu tablets, I couldn't sleep. Like my mind is suddenly on alert and my body is in the land of the weak and depressed.

I'm actually happy at home. I hate going out to work and pretend to be proactive and interested for 9 hours, and yes.. to socialized. Arragh. It's tough. I'm bored at work but I didn't ask for too much to do because I'm scared I couldn't cope with the stress, but I'm stressed when people kept saying "this is no problem for you, you have done it before" because I can't really remember much of what I do! Then there is the "don't try too hard, otherwise people may gossip that you are trying to outshine them" thoughts.

I have been keeping to the "Please ignore me, I'm new" thoughts. My mind is fogged and not alert and I'm afraid of looking stupid.

I'm also afraid that people will talk about me since I'm sick after 3 weeks at work and I'm nervous and worried. I feel nervous about going to work and I have to pretend again.

I'm scared.

Stopped trying today

2009-02-23T13:23:00.002+08:00

I didn't go to work today because I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped trying, I stopped fighting with myself.

Now I feel like crap.

Anyhow, work went on quite well last 2 weeks and I was pleased with myself. But the bubble burst and I felt the world closing on me again. I found out that someone at work who wasn't very friendly with me had cancer and went for an operation last week. I visited her and I felt so sad to see her in pain. She is only 27, young and looking set to explore the world. She kept asking "why me?"....

why me?

This question has been on my lips, in my mind. I can understand how she feel but I can't reach out to her. I don't know her and I can't tell. Mental illness is very different from cancer. Both are illness but one get looked down on and the other gets support.

I had the worst period last week. I was in so much pain and my pain is everywhere. Physical, mental and emotional. I want to give up. My heart feels like it's being clenched and the air is sucked out of me. I want to cry, but the tears dries up after a few drops.

I feel horrible and I want to give up. I feel bad for having such thoughts ... but the dullness and aching is eating me.

I'm going to take my medication and hope this will go away soon. I can't wish for much, just that things will be in control.

work so far

2009-02-10T21:25:00.002+08:00

I have started work last week and it went very well! My mood was very good. I was motivated, enthusiastic and participative. I spent the 1st 4 days doing orientation with all departments newbies and only entered my department last Friday for real work.

It takes so much effort to be happy, I tried not to think so much, to tell myself to take things easy so as not to overload and overwork. But the tiredness and thoughts started to creep in this morning. My internal anxieties and the need to excel and compete is pushing through. And I wish I could go back to bed and not work again. How confusing. I wish I do not have to work yet I like what I'm doing so far. I have alot of things to read and learn.

I aim to concentrate solely for the 9.5 hrs at work (830 to 6pm) and leave promptly to return and be with myself, to do the things I want. Even if it means gazing at the ceiling. I need to be better. I fear the crash. It could be worse since I was really happy. I must listen to my body.

Puffy eyes

2009-01-31T16:01:00.002+08:00

After 2 days of Stilnox CR, I feel very sleepy and tired. I'm not too sure if this is related to the med. The Stilnox CR and Stilnox 10mg are very different. When I'm on Stilnox, I can feel the effect of the drug faster and when I wake up, I don't feel so drowsy and heavy. But after taking the Stilnox CR, I feel heavy, my eyelids are heavy and when I woke up, I found that my eyes were puffy.

Not too sure if this is related to the med or I'm feeling tired again because I have been up and high the last couple of days, going out doing stuffs and feeling great.

I really hate the highs and lows.

Meds change and starting work

2009-01-31T01:52:00.003+08:00

I want to be thankful. If I have only one year left to live, what are the things I wished to do?

Nothing and just sleep away.

No, seriously, there are things I would like to see, visit and do. To travel and to let go.

My list is waiting to be completed.

I have changed my Stilnox 10mg to Stilnox CR 12.5mg. Will it make me put on weight or have roll over drowsy effect? They are no longer producing Stilnox 10mg.

I wish I can stop medication, the thoughts are in my mind and I'm so tempted to.

My Dr would like me to wait and see, the more conservative approach, afraid that I will crash, afraid that I can't work.

Have I told you, I'm starting work on Mon? My anxieties is back and I'm filled with dread yet excited with the prospect to start anew.

I do not want to be hurt

2009-01-28T01:42:00.003+08:00

I feel indignant. I don't think people should judge without fully understanding the situation or how the person feel.

Yes, granted, I feel like a horrible person but it could be my character and it could also be my condition. I don't think people who doesn't know me should form a skewed impression of me. If I'm horrible to your standard, then I'm sorry, that's me.

Stop hurting me by not understanding.

I'm not having fun.

I'm like this because of bipolar, because I can't control. When I'm well, I reflect and I learn from my behavior. It's a lonely journey and I need support. Just don't judge me or give up on me... because it a hard and empty feeling to be like this for 8 years.

lost myself

2009-01-26T03:14:00.002+08:00

I looked at my old pictures and I looked at myself. I have lost myself. I do not know who I am, how I was once sweet and innocent and could evolve into somethings so hateful. I miss myself. I miss her. I dunno who is this girl now. Who are you? I hate you! I want to kill you.

Guilty

2009-01-23T21:20:00.001+08:00

I feel bad about my outburst yesterday.

I feel like a horrible person.

I feel guilty for being negative.

Angel TV and reality demon

2009-01-22T17:00:00.004+08:00

I hate myself when I'm like this. I whine. I whine at myself, my life, my incompleteness and incompetence.

I'm still in the crying, feeling sorry for myself mood. I know I can be fake, I can fake my happiness, hide my true self, but I do not go around pushing it into people's face. I know of someone who is not so happy but she rubs her "happiness" into everyone's face, into my face.

She makes every crazy thing like jumping into sea and running into the road spontaneous and carefree and when I do something like that, I'm manic. I feel inferior when I'm with her, because I'm not perfect, not good enough, not pretty enough. It's like on fantasy TV, she's pretty with bipolar but is an angel and people wants to protect her. But in reality, I'm like the one who is "unfortunate enough" to be bipolar and people goes "Tsk Tsk.. such a pity, her poor mother" but despise me and distance from me, and when I do something wrong and different, it's just my character, my incompetence and my lack of self discipline.

I do not want to compare but I feel wronged by people around me. I feel wronged by myself, like I do not know who I am.

Someone close told me that I'm selfish and I was taken aback, I was hurt and upset and I couldn't let it go. I do admit I'm no saint and I am selfish. Which human isn't? But am I such a horrible person that I can't feel happy for someone? for my friend? I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm not happy. I'm feeling horrible, depressed and hateful. I resent everyone and I resent happiness. Does it truly exist? Is it all an illusion and so fake? why do people believe some but not others? Am I not convincing? I need to shut myself up and I do not know how to stop feel manipulated by her and be controlled by my moods.

I though I have self control and not be affected by external factors but I'm still affected..

Edit:

I feel inferior to my friend and I feel that I'm not happy enough, that I'm not well enough because I'm still on meds and I'm feeling like this. She is not on meds and her life (or so it seems) have taken a 180 degree turn and she is so spontaneous and carefree to jump into the pool on her wedding and I'm not. And because I'm jealous, I am selfish because I can't be happy for her. But I am jealous. I am jealous that she doesn't need to be on meds and God has cured her but I'm still here going up and down, up and down. I feel somehow abandoned.

This woman's work

2009-01-21T19:59:00.003+08:00

Maxwell This Woman's work

I heard this song last night when I was watching Without a Trace 5, All the Sinners, Saint.

The episode was about a woman suffering from bipolar who was involve in a murder. The ending was sad, very disturbingly sad and I cried.

I have been feeling very low since yesterday and today I took the bus around and I wanted to cry over every little thing.. and I wish this high and lows would end. Am I going any lower? Do I have to go any lower when I have to go back to work soon? Why didn't I go low when I was having my break? When I was not working and have nothing to fear and everything to throw? Why do I have to pick myself out of the misery, believed that I'm better and go right back to it?

I am very depressed.

And I found the song on Youtube and my emotions just go and my tears flow when I hear this.

I feel empty and sad and I can't think of anymore words to describe this emptiness.

Back here again

2009-01-19T17:59:00.003+08:00

I have realised that when I'm on the high, I have absolutely no mood to write and I'm so occupied with everything. Now that the joy have fizzled out and I'm backing to staring at spaces and crying every night, I'm filled with despair and disappointment with all things and myself. Why am I back here?

I have gone for job interviews and currently in the midst of negotiation with a company. I may start work in Feb. I was looking forward to working last week, the possibility of earning money, shopping and feeling accomplished! But now, I am filled with dread and stress. Almost to the point of indifference.

I attended a lovely wedding last week and with the upcoming festive season next week (Chinese New Year), I have been distracted.

Gosh, I hate to whine, but I'm getting fatter. I had acquaintance asking if I'm having a baby. How indiscreet. Geez. Just because I'm wearing a loose top.

I'm just tired and am trying to read but I feel so jittery. I have so much in my head but nothing comes out nicely, it's a mess in my head.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T01:21:00.005+08:00

I had a great lamb dinner with my family tonight. The food tasted really good and I was very happy.

I'm a little sad now.

For once X'mas is over, what else would I have to look forward to? I'm lost and sad and my heart feels empty. But Christmas is meant to be filled with love and happiness and with lots of joy. I need to put this at the back of my head today and deal with it when X'mas is over.

For all my friends,

Merry Christmas and may you spend the day with your friends and loved ones!

Take care,

Jessica

Anxiety

2008-12-20T17:06:00.004+08:00

I'm in the midst of preparing to go out for dinner with my hubby and I can't believe how nervous I feel!

It's the thought of

- walking out of my door,

- walking 10 mins to the train station,

- another 20 mins of train ride with alot of strangers

- waiting for him at the shopping mall

There's nothing to be scared, but I am. Anxiety please go away and not let me trip.

Raindrops on my window and sunshine in the park

2008-12-19T18:53:00.003+08:00

All is not gloom here really. I have lost my desire to blog since my mood is flat and I have been really tired.

Well, it's better to be depressed, teary and tired than depressed, agitated and not being able to sleep. My problem is really sleeping too much in the morning, I can't feel the motivation to wake up and face another day, yet I get anxious and scared when the night falls and I have to sleep and I'm afraid I can't sleep and I give in to Stilnox again. I'm relying too much on Stilnox and am trying to wean off it but I can't seems to do that. Do you have any idea how to?

On Mon, I will see my Dr again and I'm nervous. I don't think I'm any better or any worse, just the same really. I'm not better because I'm still not working and I'm just feeling the same. Being the same is sometimes for the best. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wish I can be well and normal. Well, it's just my fantasy.

It has been raining quite a bit here, that's how Dec is like. It's nice, the cool air and the smell that follows. The weather was glorious yesterday though, I went to the park and fed the turtles, fishes and swan. The laziness of it all just made me felt peaceful.

A parcel waiting to be collected

2008-12-15T15:12:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling angry and depressed.

First thing first, I'm very upset over my friend whom I care about very much. She is in another country now and have been having a bad time, she's also the friend that I was mentioning about whom had depression but had believed that she is cured and unlike me, not on any medications. Anyway, she was down for awhile and we have been emailing and calling each other. I have sent her a couple of encouraging stuffs through mails and last week, in an attempt to cheer her up, I asked my family for a favour to bring something over last Tues. (to save on shipping fees as I'm quite broke)

It has been a week and she have not collected it. She knows my family and we have spoken over the phone and my family knows that she will come over, but she hasn't. I don't understand. Why can't she go over and collect it? She told me the place is not far from where she lives, she drives and she can pop in over the weekend. I'm just very angry. I feel not appreciated and I find her selfish selfish and more selfish!!!

Ok, I may be over reacting but I'm really depressed and sad. I know when you do something for another person and you did it willingly, you can't expect anything in return. But I feel neglected and I find her selfish. Maybe she doesn't know I'm down since I'm able to be so contained most of the time. I'm always contained, I internalised my feelings and I'm ashamed of showing my weakness.

She on the other hand, always manages to get people eating out of her hands. And I'm not saying she's wrong, since somehow over the oceans, I can sensed something is not right. Bu why won't anyone care for me? Like giving me a card, giving me presents or something??

I think I'm jealous of her. She lives in another country, lives in a big house, drives, has a finance that just brings her and buys her whatever she wants. They are getting married soon. She talks about wanting lots of kids.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Or, deep down, I feel jealous because she is not on meds? Not seeing a Dr and somehow things always works out in her favour? Comparison is bad I know... but I feel like a failure. A big fat failure.

I live in small house, I can't drive but I know my hubby loves me in his way and I'm grateful for him in every way. But I want perfection. And this feeling is eating me and I need some air. I hate how I'm feeling but I need to write this down so badly. That she is selfish. That I am lonely, that I wish I can receive some concern from her. That she could just go pick up the parcel and open it, and appreciate it.

Lazy afternoon and a lazy me

2008-12-11T13:42:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling ok. Thinks that my recent moods is due to my period coming. I feel really bloated and heavy and I ache everywhere. It's delayed and I hate the feeling.

Anyway, last week was quite a quiet week at home. I spent the week reading and lazing around, only going to Ikea on Friday for some storage boxes. I removed stuffs form the cupboards, wiped it down and repacked everything.

This week I am very busy running errands and hanging out with my hubby who is on leave. We rushed around getting stuffs for his parents who are visiting his brother in Australia, drank coffee during lazy afternoons and hung out in shopping malls and searching supermarkets for good buys. We are thinking of going out for a walk later.

++++

I realised that most of my anxiety and stress came from having to work. I have an innate need to be in control of everything, and I fear the unknown. I had a couple of bad dreams last week, from being covered in blood to being bullied and to crying out in my sleep and waking up in tears. The dreams only started after I received the call from my ex company. I haven't prepared my cover letter and CV to submit. I feel stressed thinking of having to work and fearing. But I also feel stressed over not working as money is getting tight. People are losing jobs everyday, companies downsizing and retrenchment is in vogue now. I'm just scared.

Things will work out somehow, just that I wish I can do somehting about it faster.

My reflection of hatred

2008-12-03T00:52:00.003+08:00

I'm having a bout of self doubt and insecurity. I have seen my friends picture in FB. She's skinny and pretty. I feel fat, ugly and urgh! I look at my face and I feel angry and hate myself. I wish I can thinner and just look better.

I guess what I have alot of insecurities since young and that is what creates this life long relationship with medication and my Dr. I guess I'm ok, average looking and when I'm good, I think I look good in almost anything.. guess that when you feel good, you look good. But today, now.. I just look ugly! Maybe it's because I'm going to have my period in a month's time, i feel bloated and heavy and frumpy and fat.

I have a friend who is sick, from a physical illness and she looks skinny because well, she lost weight due to her illness and she has always been small built. And with my friend whose picture I have seen in FB, she has depression (not seeing any Dr or on medication now) and she is skinny. I know I'm obsessing with skinny right now but I have always wanted to be skinny. I used to be skinny, not very skinny but skinnier with nice collarbone and a nicer cheekbone.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I slept alot and I was nice and skinny. My hubby saw me then (we were friends but didn't meet up for a year or so) and he said I look like a POW. How I wish I could go back then and look like a mad, skinny girl. Then I was on Zoloft. Somehow, it ceased to work.... I stopped med for awhile, and when I visited my current Dr, he put me on Risperidal. I ballooned! I just ate and ate and was always cravng for unhealthy food. I took my weight and body type for granted and I didn't notice till about 5 mths later when I went back to work. I hadn't work for 5 mths and I had to get pants for work, I realised I couldn't fit into anything old.. all my old jeans. I'm disgusting! I have been living in ratty shorts and huge tee and I felt normal at home without actually hanging out with people.

Now, whenever my Dr suggest a change of med because the current med doesn't seems to work, I resist. I'm superficial. I told my Dr, I do not want to be fat, I do not want to gain weight. I'd rather be depressed and skinny than be fat and depressed.

I'm a superficial being but I just hate myself. Hate what I see. If only I can be prettier, skinnier and smarter. If only I can be anyone but myself.

Going back to work?

2008-12-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

I received a call this morning from my previous company which I have left 3 mths ago. It's the same position but it's at a different department.

The lady spoke to me before I left, they were planning to create this position but were waiting for management approval. I haven't really thought much about it since I left and I supposed they wouldn't call me since it has been awhile..

Anyhow, I'm in 2 minds about it. I'm worried about going back to a company I have worked in for such a short while, afraid that I can't cope... yet.. times are bad now. I need to start looking for a job to get money for my meds since I'm in private healthcare and it's not subsidised.

Why do I have to be sick? The amount I spent this year alone can be used for a good holiday!

News

2008-11-30T17:24:00.002+08:00

There have been a lot of terror in the news lately.

I feel sad about the pain they felt, the lives that have lost and particularly this young lady who died just because she was in the wrong place.

It's sad when you have no control

Beautiful sadness

2008-11-29T01:15:00.003+08:00

I feel so tired and heavy. I was looking through my written notes and I saw this entry I wrote in Oct. Why do I kid myself that it would go away, it never leaves permanently, it will always linger and medications can only do so much.

This picture speaks to me when I saw it in a mag.. It's so lonely, so isolated. Despair has never looked so beautiful, so enticing anywhere.

I need to write this moment of sadness down. It's a beautiful sadness, the sad lonely, heart wrenching emptiness is in a fleeting moment so beautiful.

Last night, I took an hour to fall asleep and whilst lying in bed... I was thinking how tired I am, and how I could just stop it.. I wonder which way is easier, less painful.. or I could let myself suffer in the process since I probably deserves it.. I hate not being able to fall asleep.. I hate how my hubby could just sleep like that. I hate my life but I love my life.

Feeling sick

2008-11-24T23:03:00.002+08:00

I had a haircut today. Got frustrated at looking at my messy hair in the mirror.

All was well but I feel sluggish and tired. I went home soon after the haircut and didn't linger out for long. Was very happy and satisfied with my hair.

So all was well, but as I'm sitting here, I felt a sudden wave of nausea in me and I feel really really giddy. I feel like throwing up and my head hurts. If it doesn't get better, i would have to cancel my appointments for tomorrow.

I'm starting to get tired and really tired. Will try to sleep.

felt that it resembles me! Haha!

2008-11-23T17:45:00.006+08:00

rain

2008-11-23T17:40:00.003+08:00

There's going to be a thunderstorm tonight!

As I sit in my room, the sky flashes up and the thunders rumbled. There's the smell of rain in the air and the wind is cool. Best time to snuggle in bed and watch the raindrops hit against my windows.

down the stairs

2008-11-23T17:27:00.002+08:00

so i slipped and fell down a couple of steps yesterday.

my body really hurts now! it's the quiet aching pain.

I have no idea how I slipped. It happened in a blink of an eye... I was already on the steps. Looking at my body position and where I now ache, I realised how I fell and landed.

I landed on my butt, hitting my back against the steps. As I fell, I reached out with my left arm to grab the railings, and in the process, putting most of the weight on the left side.

I have also twisted my right ankle slightly and hurt the middle toe. anyway, I applied muscle relaxant ointment to my left arm and ribs last night, and also did a support bandage to my right foot to prevent swelling.

well.. just in case.

so my body was achy when I got up and I feel tired today. It's TV and internet day..

mood: +6

Naked and scared

2008-11-23T16:57:00.005+08:00

Cr Created: 21/11/08 10:56 PM

(Typed this on Friday night when I got home. I did not have access to the internet, therefore recorded this on a word doc as soon as I can)

I just got home. Went out for dinner with 2 very old friends since my school days. One of them is a mother and another 3 months pregnant. They were talking about pregnancy and having kids. I felt disconnected from them, it’s as though pregnancy will never happen to me. I feel that I will never be a mother and I can’t be a mother. I have read about how to cope with being pregnant and how having BD does not equate to not having children and I have discussed it with my Dr and he will support and ensure my safety and well being if I do get pregnant.. but I don’t know anymore. I’m confused.

Well. the point why I need to get this off my mind… we were talking about getting pregnant and discussing about our fears and I told them I’m on meds and I need it to get my moods stabilized. I have never really talked about this to my friends in recent years and I just spoke about it and now I feel scared, fearful, weird and worried. It’s disconcerting.

I don’t think that they will judge me but when I was 23 and newly diagnosed after attempting suicide, I was lost, in denial and very afraid. I was hanging out with a group of friends who I am now no longer in contact with. When I was initially diagnosed, I was really scared and I just keep talking about my moods, how I feel and all, but they slowly grew distant from me, ostracizing me and they finally told me they can’t cope with me. Even my then bf was avoiding me and I broke up with him. He fact is I grew to cope with my illness and I accepted that it’s part of me.. I have learnt to recognized my moods and learnt how to cope with it. I learnt to internalized it (well not really.. but I learnt who to talked abut it to) and I learnt who to trust and who to call for help. I can handle it.

Now, I feel vulnerable, exposed. I feel weird. I am not comfortable with how I’m feeling now. I just can’t trust people again, even though they are my closest friends. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel naked.

one week has passed...

2008-11-21T13:26:00.003+08:00

oh my gosh, a week has just passed so quickly! Let me o a quick recap to remind myself what have I done for the week.

it has been fairly good. almost an 8. I have been out everyday, spoke to strangers, spent alot of money and been pretty active. What worries me is that being happy and such may eventually spiral downwards and I may feel low soon. see, I haven't been going out much for the last months, in fact, I desperately refused to go out and not take calls from friends. I was afraid that they would ask me out and I wouldn't know how to reject them. so yes, I was home bound and I spent my days on the computer and watching TV.

But I have been fairly active the last 4 days, in fact, I took the initiative to ask my mum and friends out!

Ok, let's see....

Monday

Met up with friend and her baby, spent the day playing with the baby, shopping and lots of chatting and walking.

mood: good, relax +8

Tuesday

Out shopping with mum, collected my medications from the clinic, bought more stuffs. spoke to strangers and discussed about lipsticks.

was really happy and senses all high as I drank my latte. It was simply wonderful.. the whipped cream just taste so heavenly as it melted into the latte.

mood: happy, excited +8

Wednesday

It was raining, but I thought the dark stormy clouds were beautiful as it looms above the train station. went out with mum again, bought shoes and did some grocery shopping.

mood: was a little tired. ok but got a little irritated later in the day as the crowd and noise level grew. +7

Thursday

went out at 430pm, had coffee at Starbucks with Y. loved the x'mas drinks that they are having.

spotted some cats, took pictures of ourselves and cats. Reached home at 7.

mood: ok +7

Fuzzy Brained

2008-11-15T21:27:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling fuzzy brained. Last few days are so-so. Nothing much happened, though I get clammy and anxious for no apparent reasons. My heart would start pounding loudly and I feel scared and sick.

Concentration span is pretty low, can't read very much, contend with surfing channels and reading magazines. I feel bored and hopeless.

So what do you do at home?

2008-11-12T10:47:00.002+08:00

I received an email from a friend. Someone that I used to work together, we kept in contact and she has now started work at a busy company.

It is actually a harmless question as we were emailing about jobs and stuffs.

But somehow this affected me.

"so what do you do at home basically everyday?"

seriously? I do nothing considerable. nothing earth shattering, nothing that provides to the ailing economy, nothing to science, nothing useful.

but i do know i am resting to get better, yet when and how do i get better? i will think about it again, just not today. i'm just doing it for myself.

she doesn't know about my condition. Just that i'm taking a break. I made a joke, ya, i'm a desperate housewife. hahaha.

of noisy kids and an outburst

2008-11-12T10:06:00.005+08:00

Monday

I had a terrible backache. Was agitated, in pain and feeling low. I felt that my heart was empty and hollow, this empty hole that felt abandonment. That feeling became stronger when I had a friend who did not respond to my msg and request to meet up for coffee. It's just one of those days when rejection is hard to accept. We usually meet for weekly coffee, but I haven't sen her in about 4 weeks. so... thoughts went overdrive and I was worried.

Anyway, the kids started the nonsense again and my neighbour's kid, the 4 yr old boy, he kept opening and closing the door, banging it all the time.. it is very IRRITATING! and the final straw came when I realised that my main water supply was turned off!!! It was a very irritating prank and that got me! I went out of the house shouting "Who messed with the supply??"" the kids hid in their house, parents either oblivious or dun't bother. My hubby calmed me down and though I wanted to speak to the parents, I did not know which kid did it. And, I was just too angry and was afraid that I might lose it again.

After the outburst, I was drained. I was so angry that I trembled and cry. I haven't felt that in awhile. Then I felt guilty for shouting.

I was tired.

Tuesday

I was still tired. But I went out to an exhibition with my hubby, and because I didn't want to go home, we walked around.

I feel strange, I have always got along well with my neighbors. Or I have never lost my temper at them, or well basically they have all been nice. Most of my neighbors are elderly couples.

My next door neighbor F moved in last year.

I want to get over this and not get obsessed with this issue. I just don't feel so good. Guilt with anger of how inconsiderate people are.

2008-11-09T17:42:00.002+08:00

I've just cooked dinner. Fried rice with sausages, eggs, fishcakes and mixed peas.

Thankfully the kids have "disappeared" for awhile. Feel better, am planning to watch criminal minds online now.

Thunderstorm and kids

2008-11-09T15:41:00.003+08:00

I'm tired today. It has only been a short while being online but already, I felt tired and my eyes hurt.

There was a huge thunderstorm last night. The thunders were really loud and it woke me up at 5am. It sounds as though nature is very very angry, the sky flashes in the dark and the rain kept pouring. The electricity tripped too. I realised it as I was going to the toilet. The loud sounds frightened me.

On another note, my neighbourhood kids are really noisy. I hate loud noises and I do not like screaming kids when I surf the net, read or watch TV. They are really loud. I live in a flat and it's not wrong for them to play in the day. But I wish my neighbour's boy did not come home so quickly. His mum brought him to visit his granny 2 weeks ago and it's really quiet and peaceful. Now he's back ( he's around 2), other kids (namely 2 more, one 6, another roughly 8) are back to look for him. They scream, shout, run and play guns and boy games. I'm not in the state to like kids now, frankly, I dislike them at this very moment! And every time they scream or run outside the house, I get this irritation building and get this headache. arrgh.

I am tired, irritated and feeling down.

Reading list

2008-11-08T12:27:00.003+08:00

I have also been obsessing about writing a list of books I have read since Aug 08. I have been busy this year and haven't been reading much in the 1st half of the year, except magazines.

Here's the list from Aug 08:

1. "Mermaids in the Basement","Michael Lee West","0060184051","Reading now"

2. "High Noon","Nora Roberts","0399154345","Already read"

3. "Sanctuary","Nora Roberts","0425215377","Already read"

4. "Lessons in Heartbreak","Cathy Kelly","0007240384","Already read"

5. "Invitation to Provence","Elizabeth Adler","0312986424","Already read"

6. "The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature","Steven Pinker","0670063274","Already read"

7. "Sailing to Capri","Elizabeth Adler","0312339666","Already read"

8. "Remember Me","Sophie Kinsella","0552156116","Already read"

9."Shopaholic & Baby","Sophie Kinsella","0385338716","Already read"

10. "The House in Amalfi","Elizabeth Adler","031293646X","Already read"

11. "Deep Freeze","Lisa Jackson","0821772961","Already read"

12. "I Heard That Song Before","Mary Higgins Clark","0743268571","Already read"

13."Obsession","Karen Robards","0399154167","Already read"

14."Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You","Sam Gosling","0465027814","Reading now"

15. "Daily Wisdom for the Workplace: Practical, On-The-Job Insight from Scripture","Pamela McQuade","1586605712","Reading now"

16. "The Villa","Nora Roberts","0515132187","Already read"

17. "River's End","Nora Roberts","0749931590","Already read"

18. "The Chocolate Lovers' Club","Carole Matthews","0312376669","Already read"

19. "Artificial Happiness: The Dark Side of the New Happy Class","Ronald W. Dworkin","0786719338","Reading now"

I exported the list from Living Social. I'm still reading ome of hte books, eg # 16 Daily Wisdom for the workplace is an ongoing daily reading. Others, I sometimes read it halfway, got distracted by another book and will get back to it again.. somehow.

I used to be able to read no stop in the past. But now, I get distracted very easily and I have my moods. I can spend a day obsessing about reading, another watching DVDs, or another day surfing the net.

Yup, I did something today! Thinking if I should go out to town later.

note

2008-11-08T12:25:00.001+08:00

Just a note to remind myself that I feel good today. Happy, around a 7.

My period is coming, my back really hurts, but I feel really good. =)

Nice evening

2008-11-07T19:51:00.003+08:00

I finally went out today to collect my ID card. It's a sunny day today.

As usual, I was a little grouchy with the crowd of people in the train, I hate to be around strangers. But the staff at the immigration dept was nice and friendly, that made my day.

I'm currently drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon Rose and waiting to catch my favorite episode of "Friends" on Starworld at 8pm.

We also had Japanese takeout for dinner!

Missing 10

2008-11-06T11:06:00.002+08:00

The air feels crisps today. Cool and it had a nostalgic feeling to it, like when I was 10, at my granny's place.

I remembered it to be around year end, when it was the school's holiday. I get this feeling often when X'mas is around the corner. I became obsessed with getting the moment again, to getting the feeling of security, of being in the past again.

I have been feeling really low. really down, really lousy. I have been taking my meds and feeling frustrated at night, I would drink vodka.. and get the high feelings that I miss.

It's strange, the uninhibited highs, of letting go when it is chemical or drug induced. It's a good feeling. I have either the lows or the ok moods nowadays. I can't feel much. This is what my Dr wants, the feeling of normals. He says I get to the extreme, so it is safe and best to keep the moods in the middle. But what am I now? It's dull, when I'm sad, I know I am sad, but.. I can't cry till I'm hoarse. It just stays in me. When I'm happy... gosh.. what in the world is happy?! I functioned. Being happy means functioning. When I'm feeling better and good, I cook, I watch TV series, I read, I get myself out of the house and meet people. I function what everyone does everyday. I don't get the highs much more. I don't believe that I will get better.. that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life. I don't believe in trying, in thinking that I will be somewhere in my career.. because this is who I am, I tried so hard at working.. but after 5 years at my previous job and getting all the "discrimination" and the implication of failure looks from my boss because she knew that I was on meds and sick. She attribute all my MCs, failure to work with a back stabbing irresponsible colleague and any frustrations to my illness. It was narrow minded and unfair. That was 6 mths ago. I left the job.

I went on to a new job which is very different. Alot of socialisation which eventually I cannot cope. I left after 4 months. Th pay was good. But I was dreading work and the signs I knew so well were coming. I had to leave, before I have to go through another breakdown and face the embarrassing situation of explaining my conditions and what not to stranger ( my boss, the HR manger..etc) No more.

So I am home. Resting and hoping to get better to have an income.

Meds and drinks gave me an instant high and it me fall asleep very quickly. But I woke up at 6am. I tried to sleep more, but I can't. I missed the days when I was 1st diagnosed 7 yrs ago. When I could sleep and sleep the entire day away. When my body was new to meds and absorbed everything quickly. I can't really tell if my meds are working. But as long as I am "normal". I suppose it is at least doing something.

I hope I did not do anything stupid in my state last night.

i want to die

2008-11-06T01:17:00.003+08:00

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight

I cannot remember

2008-11-05T21:14:00.004+08:00

Life is full of compartments. I have a blog for daily life, stuffs that friends can read and everyone is happy about. And this. My sad sad miserable life that I hide underneath this weird mask.

I have been jobless for a month now. And I have been writing all my angers and stuffs on paper. Sometimes, in the night, it is just so much easier to write in a notebook. I can write anywhere, huddle in a corner, while at the kitchen table.. anywhere. I would not have to turn on the mac, and not wake my hubby.

And I am feeling so lousy about myself. This is the worst time to be jobless, when a technical recession has hit Asia and newspaper is going on about retrenchment and stuffs. All the gloom and doom in this world and X'mas is coming... how I love X'mas!

The point of this being.. I simply cannot remember my old email address... the password and everything! I have been trying for days... I can find my blog but I simply cannot get the login email correct! Arrgh!

I feel sad that my old blog cannot be edited anymore.

I shall leave this for easy access