Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Please ignore me, I'm new

I stayed home today because I felt rather sick. Both physical and mental.
My legs were very weak and i felt giddy when I stood up. I couldn't fight to go to work and I knew part of it is due to my moods.

I distracted  myself with the internet for the last 3 hours and even though I felt sleepy after taking the painkillers and stemetil and prednisolone and flu tablets, I couldn't sleep. Like my mind is suddenly on alert and my body is in the land of the weak and depressed. 

I'm actually happy at home. I hate going out to work and pretend to be proactive and interested for 9 hours, and yes.. to socialized. Arragh. It's tough. I'm bored at work but I didn't ask for too much to do because I'm scared I couldn't cope with the stress, but I'm stressed when people kept saying "this is no problem for you, you have done it before" because I can't really remember much of what I do! Then there is the "don't try too hard, otherwise people may gossip that you are trying to outshine them" thoughts. 

I have been keeping to the "Please ignore me, I'm new" thoughts. My mind is fogged and not alert and I'm afraid of looking stupid.

I'm also afraid that people will talk about me since I'm sick after 3 weeks at work and I'm nervous and worried. I feel nervous about going to work and I have to pretend again.

I'm scared.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stopped trying today

I didn't go to work today because I couldn't get out of bed.  I stopped trying, I stopped fighting with myself. 

Now I feel like crap.

Anyhow, work went on quite well last 2 weeks and I was pleased with myself. But the bubble burst and I felt the world closing on me again. I found out that someone at work who wasn't very friendly with me had cancer and went for an operation last week. I visited her and I felt so sad to see her in pain. She is only 27, young and looking set to explore the world. She kept asking "why me?"....

why me?

This question has been on my lips, in my mind. I can understand how she feel but I can't reach out to her. I don't know her and I can't tell. Mental illness is very different from cancer. Both are illness but one get looked down on and the other gets support. 

I had the worst period last week. I was in so much pain and my pain is everywhere. Physical, mental and emotional. I want to give up. My heart feels like it's being clenched and the air is sucked out of me. I want to cry, but the tears dries up after a few drops. 

I feel horrible and I want to give up. I feel bad for having such thoughts ... but the dullness and aching is eating me.

I'm going to take my medication and hope this will  go away soon. I can't wish for much, just that things will be in control.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

work so far

I have started work last week and it went very well! My mood was very good. I was motivated, enthusiastic and participative. I spent the 1st 4 days doing orientation with all departments newbies and only entered my department last Friday for real work.

It takes so much effort to be happy, I tried not to think so much, to tell myself to take things easy so as not to overload and overwork. But the tiredness and thoughts started to creep in this morning. My internal anxieties and the need to excel and compete is pushing through. And I wish I could go back to bed and not work again. How confusing. I wish I do not have to work yet I like what I'm doing so far. I have alot of things to read and learn.

I aim to concentrate solely for the 9.5 hrs at work (830 to 6pm) and leave promptly to return and be with myself, to do the things I want. Even if it means gazing at the ceiling. I need to be better. I fear the crash. It could be worse since I was really happy. I must listen to my body.