Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Got an earlier appointment

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a panic attack and dare I imagine, a small seizure when I found myself shaking.

Anyhow, I called the clinic and asked if they could give me an earlier appointment. Its now 14 Apr instead of 28 Apr. 2 weeks ahead, better than none. I have request to be on a waiting list in case anyone cancelled their appointment and I can be seen in their place.

My head hurts. I feel that there is something in there and I want to throw up and my eyes hurts.
I'm giddy and although it's not a pleasant feeling, I wouldn't mind fainting again, just so I can get myself admitted and speed up the investigational process.

I cried alot and my mum cried too. She is afraid that there is really something wrong with me and I may die.

I'm just staring into space and I'm afraid to work in case I faint at work in front of my patients. I don't know what to think really.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I may have epilepsy

I thought I had died and came back.

This morning at 630am, I woke up and was preparing to go to work. I was brushing my teeth and felt very giddy, my mom gave me a chair and asked me to sit down, I continues to brush my teeth but the heaviness of the head was too much to bear. I placed my head down and I fainted. I heard my mum calling for my husband and the rest was a blank. When I fought to reagin consciousness, I saw stars, bright spots, and a circle. I was out for around 5-10 mins.

I knew I was breaking out in cold sweat, and I was very scared.

My husband told me that I was shivering and my hands and legs were trembling and shaking. I went to my GP and he suggest neurological tests to rule out epilepsy. I need to be seen by a neurologist for EEG and CT scans. I used to have fainting spells when I was in my teens. That will cost me alot of money. I had to call my boss as my hubby was the one who called earlier to inform that I fainted. Epilepsy is another taboo illness. I really don't think I can keep this job for long.

I have worked out the total cost to be $ 600. My illnesses are getting too expensive. I have left a msg for my psychiatrist and am waiting for him to call.

My earliest neuro appt is on the 28 Apr 09. That's long time to wait and I'm paying private rate in a hospital.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

Friday, March 20, 2009

This made yesterday easier to bear

I was still feeling down but forced myself to work yesterday. I had to. My colleague is on leave and I have to cover her study. I am a research coordinator and this involves meeting and talking to alot of people and it's hard when you are depressed but you have to put on a front and just do it. It was a very tiring day yesterday and I went home beat.

Back to the morning, while I was dragging my feet up the stairs to the bus stop, I saw this tiger cat sleeping in such an adorable way. I went closer and took out my phone and it woke up and looked at me, and upon realizing that all I want is a picture, it promptly covered its eyes! This made me smile and I felt slightly better that I can get on with the day. 

Work was tiring and I got snapped at. I went home and I cried, the dam broke and my tears couldn't stop. I woke up puffy eyed and a very dazed Jessica.

Anyway I had a training course today and it ended early. I reached home at 5pm and at 520 saw that I've a missed call at 511. I called back and the Dr asked if I'm still around to see a patient to explain regarding the research. I told her I've left. I felt guilty that I left and I'm worried if she will think the worst of me. She said never mind, can see next week. But the conflicting thought is it's already 520pm and today we end work at 530pm It's Friday after all. I hate holding work phone.

I must stop learning to be guilty and get upset over such matters. Who are they to judge? If  I can do my work that all that matters. But what happen if I can't work well? I'm fearful.

Anyway I'm home and the weekend is here. I'm feeling very fearful and teary and my heart seems to be pounding in a hollow space. I can hear it go "thud thud thud".

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

I must clarify that I only visit  the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me  sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't.  I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no. 

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me. 

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

colours and fly into another world

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and  need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.
My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Too soon to crash

I'm feeling so anxious that I'm actually shaking. How can i go through this again?
My heart is pounding and my chest hurts. 
I know with every ups will be a crashing down. But I can't cope with this. Would people be talking about me behind my back? How can I face their looks tomorrow. Would they gossip about me not being at work since I started only 6 weeks ago? 6 weeks but it felt so long. It's too soon but I feel the burnout and stress creeping out. Would I be ask to go?

Reading list Mar 09

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",
4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis"
3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"
2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"
1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Strong virus

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine. 
This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

Monday, March 9, 2009

flu and upsets

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.
This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. 

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself. 

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by. 

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.
I need a purpose to get up each day.