Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I feel so tired and heavy. I was looking through my written notes and I saw this entry I wrote in Oct. Why do I kid myself that it would go away, it never leaves permanently, it will always linger and medications can only do so much.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Cr Created: 21/11/08 10:56 PM
(Typed this on Friday night when I got home. I did not have access to the internet, therefore recorded this on a word doc as soon as I can)
I just got home. Went out for dinner with 2 very old friends since my school days. One of them is a mother and another 3 months pregnant. They were talking about pregnancy and having kids. I felt disconnected from them, it’s as though pregnancy will never happen to me. I feel that I will never be a mother and I can’t be a mother. I have read about how to cope with being pregnant and how having BD does not equate to not having children and I have discussed it with my Dr and he will support and ensure my safety and well being if I do get pregnant.. but I don’t know anymore. I’m confused.
Well. the point why I need to get this off my mind… we were talking about getting pregnant and discussing about our fears and I told them I’m on meds and I need it to get my moods stabilized. I have never really talked about this to my friends in recent years and I just spoke about it and now I feel scared, fearful, weird and worried. It’s disconcerting.
I don’t think that they will judge me but when I was 23 and newly diagnosed after attempting suicide, I was lost, in denial and very afraid. I was hanging out with a group of friends who I am now no longer in contact with. When I was initially diagnosed, I was really scared and I just keep talking about my moods, how I feel and all, but they slowly grew distant from me, ostracizing me and they finally told me they can’t cope with me. Even my then bf was avoiding me and I broke up with him. He fact is I grew to cope with my illness and I accepted that it’s part of me.. I have learnt to recognized my moods and learnt how to cope with it. I learnt to internalized it (well not really.. but I learnt who to talked abut it to) and I learnt who to trust and who to call for help. I can handle it.
Now, I feel vulnerable, exposed. I feel weird. I am not comfortable with how I’m feeling now. I just can’t trust people again, even though they are my closest friends. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel naked.