Saturday, January 31, 2009

Puffy eyes

After 2 days of Stilnox CR, I feel very sleepy and tired. I'm not too sure if this is related to the med. The Stilnox CR and Stilnox 10mg are very different. When I'm on Stilnox, I can feel the effect of the drug faster and when I wake up, I don't feel so drowsy and heavy. But after taking the Stilnox CR, I feel heavy, my eyelids are heavy and when I woke up, I found that my eyes were puffy.

Not too sure if this is related to the med or I'm feeling tired again because I have been up and high the last couple of days, going out doing stuffs and feeling great.

I really hate the highs and lows.

Meds change and starting work

I want to be thankful. If I have only one year left to live, what are the things I wished to do?
Nothing and just sleep away.

No, seriously, there are things I would like to see, visit and do. To travel and to let go.
My list is waiting to be completed. 
I have changed my Stilnox 10mg to Stilnox CR 12.5mg. Will it make me put on weight or have roll over drowsy effect? They are no longer producing Stilnox 10mg.
I wish I can stop medication, the thoughts are in my mind and I'm so tempted to.

My Dr would like me to wait and see, the more conservative approach, afraid that I will crash, afraid that I can't work.

Have I told you, I'm starting work on Mon? My anxieties is back and I'm filled with dread yet excited with the prospect to start anew.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I do not want to be hurt

I feel indignant. I don't think people should judge without fully understanding the situation or how the person feel.
Yes, granted, I feel like a horrible person but it could be my character and it could also be my condition. I don't think people who doesn't know me should form a skewed impression of me. If I'm horrible to your standard, then I'm sorry, that's me.

Stop hurting me by not understanding.
I'm not having fun.

I'm like this because of bipolar, because I can't control. When I'm well, I reflect and I learn from my behavior. It's a lonely journey and I need support. Just don't judge me or give up on me... because it a hard and empty feeling to be like this for 8 years.

Monday, January 26, 2009

lost myself

I looked at my old pictures and I looked at myself. I have lost myself. I do not know who I am, how I was once sweet and innocent and could evolve into somethings so hateful. I miss myself. I miss her. I dunno who is this girl now. Who are you? I hate you! I want to kill you.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I feel bad about my outburst yesterday.
I feel like a horrible person.
I feel guilty for being negative.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Angel TV and reality demon

I hate myself when I'm like this. I whine. I whine at myself, my life, my incompleteness and incompetence.

I'm still in the crying, feeling sorry for myself mood. I know I can be fake, I can fake my happiness, hide my true self, but I do not go around pushing it into people's face. I know of someone who is not so happy but she rubs her "happiness" into everyone's face, into my face.
She makes every crazy thing like jumping into sea and running into the road spontaneous and carefree and when I do something like that, I'm manic. I feel inferior when I'm with her, because I'm not perfect, not good enough, not pretty enough. It's like on fantasy TV, she's pretty with bipolar but is an angel and people wants to protect her. But in reality, I'm like the one who is "unfortunate enough" to be bipolar and people goes "Tsk Tsk.. such a pity, her poor mother" but despise me and distance from me, and when I do something wrong and different, it's just my character, my incompetence and my lack of self discipline. 

I do not want to compare but I feel wronged by people around me. I feel wronged by myself, like I do not know who I am.

Someone close told me that I'm selfish and I was taken aback, I was hurt and upset and I couldn't let it go. I do admit I'm no saint and I am selfish. Which human isn't? But am I such a horrible person that I can't feel happy for someone? for my friend? I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm not happy. I'm feeling horrible, depressed and hateful. I resent everyone and I resent happiness. Does it truly exist? Is it all an illusion and so fake? why do people believe some but not others? Am I not convincing? I need to shut myself up and I do not know how to stop feel manipulated by her and be controlled by my moods.

I though I  have self control and not be affected by external factors but I'm still affected..

I feel inferior to my friend and I feel that I'm not happy enough, that I'm not well enough because I'm still on meds and I'm feeling like this. She is not on meds and her life (or so it seems) have taken a 180 degree turn and she is so spontaneous and carefree to jump into the pool on her wedding and I'm not. And because I'm jealous, I am selfish because I can't be happy for her. But I am jealous. I am jealous that she doesn't need to be on meds and God has cured her but I'm still here going up and down, up and down. I feel somehow abandoned.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

This woman's work

I heard this song last night when I was watching Without a Trace 5, All the Sinners, Saint.
The episode was about a woman suffering from bipolar who was involve in a murder. The ending was sad, very disturbingly sad and I cried.

I have been feeling very low since yesterday and today I took the bus around and I wanted to cry over every little thing.. and I wish this high and lows would end. Am I going any lower? Do I have to go any lower when I have to go back to work soon? Why didn't I go low when I was having my break? When I was not working and have nothing to fear and everything to throw? Why do I have to pick myself out of the misery, believed that I'm better and go right back to it?

I am very depressed.

And I found the song on Youtube and my emotions just go and my tears flow when I hear this.
I feel empty and sad and I can't think of anymore words to describe this emptiness.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Back here again

I have realised that when I'm on the high, I have absolutely no mood to write and I'm so occupied with everything. Now that the joy have fizzled out and I'm backing to staring at spaces and crying every night, I'm filled with despair and disappointment with all things and myself. Why am I back here?

I have gone for job interviews and currently in the midst of negotiation with a company. I may start work in Feb. I was looking forward to working last week, the possibility of earning money, shopping and feeling accomplished! But now, I am filled with dread and stress. Almost to the point of indifference.

I attended a lovely wedding last week and with the upcoming festive season next week (Chinese New Year), I have been distracted.

Gosh, I hate to whine, but I'm getting fatter. I had acquaintance asking if I'm having a baby. How indiscreet. Geez. Just because I'm wearing a loose top.

I'm just tired and am trying to read but I feel so jittery. I have so much in my head but nothing comes out nicely, it's a mess in my head.