Wednesday, December 23, 2009

please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

Monday, December 21, 2009

Brittany Murphy dead? Can't be.

I can't believe that she's dead! I just watched "Ramen Girl" a couple of weeks ago, not to mention "Girl, Interrupted".

People don't die at 32 from cardiac arrest. It's too sudden.

Christmas lights at home

Toffe Nut Latte - my favourite Christmas drink since 2006.

Starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might.

My Christmas lights at home

Say "Hello" to my snowman at my door!

It's 4 more days to Christmas! Will be having a X'mas party at a friend's place during lunch, no plans for dinner and for the rest of the day, will see how it goes.

During the last couple of years, X'mas also means having a great break as my company has mandatory holiday till New Year. This year, for some reasons, I do not experience the same excitements or anticipations. On the other hand, I felt apprehension and anxiety, because I have nothing to show for myself since the year is ending and 2010 is approaching in 10 days. I'm worried because I haven't found a job and that I'm wasting away. I just feel uneasy and worried.

Anyhow, this is a lovely time for celebrations and joy and I always believe in the magic of Christmas and the lovely smell that the wind brings in at the end of the year.

I wish all of my friends a Merry Christmas and may peace and joy be with you all.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Reading List Jan-Nov 09

I can't believe I have read so many books this year, well,  I do have a lot of free time on my hands though. Although I have came across some reading blogs that have bloggers reading a whole lot more and I'm so impressed! 

New target for next year then. Gambette!

One great book to recommend: 

My 2 cents worth: "Great book. Twisted and disturbing, a part of character continuation from "Say Goodbye". I couldn't put it down and everything finally made sense in the end when you link the 2 books together."

59. Wings: more than 50 high flying recipes for America, Debbie Moose - CB
58. The Pearl Diver, Sujata Masey - R
57. The Floating Girl, Sujata Massey - R
56. The Flower Master, Sujata Massey - R
55. Zen Attitude, Sujata Massey - R
54. The Salaryman's Wife, Sujata Massey -R
53. Madness: A Biploar Life, Marya Hornbacher -Bio
52. The Omega-3 Connection, Andrew L Stoll MD - NF
51."The Perfect Christmas","Debbie Macomber"
50."Gabriel's Angel","Nora Roberts"
49."First Impressions: First Impressions\Blithe Images","Nora Roberts"
48."Divine Evil","Nora Roberts"
47."The Neighbor","Lisa Gardner"
46."Smash Cut","Sandra Brown"
44/45."Be My Valentine: My Funny Valentine\My Hero","Debbie Macomber"
42/43."Wyoming Brides: Denim and Diamonds\The Wyoming Kid","Debbie Macomber"
41."Sooner or Later LP","Debbie Macomber"
40."Homeport","Nora Roberts"
39."Practically Perfect","Katie Fforde"
37/38."Two Of A Kind: Impulse\The Best Mistake (Mira Hardbacks)","Nora Roberts"
36."Ghost Moon","Karen Robards",
35."Body Double (Jane Rizzoli, Book 4)","Tess Gerritsen"
34."Red Lily (In the Garden, Book 3)","Nora Roberts"
33."Black Rose: In the Garden Trilogy (In the Garden)","Nora Roberts"
32."Blue Dahlia(In the Garden, Book 1)","Nora Roberts"
31."Shanghai Girls: A Novel","Lisa See"
29/30."Married In Seattle: First Comes Marriage\Wanted: Perfect Partner","Debbie Macomber"
28."Poppy Done to Death: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery","Charlaine Harris"
27."The Apprentice (Jane Rizzoli, Book 2)","Tess Gerritsen"
26."Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden Mysteries, Book 1)","Charlaine Harris"
25."If You Live Like Me","Lori Weber"
24."Morning Comes Softly (Harper Monogram)","Debbie Macomber"
23."The Killing Hour","Lisa Gardner"
22."Hide","Lisa Gardner"
21."Looking for Peyton Place: A Novel","Barbara Delinsky"
20."Gone","Lisa Gardner"
19."Chesapeake Blue (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts"
18."Inner Harbor: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #3 (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts",
17."Rising Tides: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #2 (The Quinn Brothers Trilogy)","Nora Roberts",
16."Sea Swept: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #1 (Chesapeake Bay Mysteries)","Nora Roberts"
15."The Surgeon: A Novel","Tess Gerritsen"
14."Knit Two: A Friday Night Knitting Club Novel","Kate Jacobs"
13."The Friday Night Knitting Club","Kate Jacobs"
12."Key of Valor","Nora Roberts","0515136530"
11."Key of Knowledge","Nora Roberts"
10."Key of Light","Nora Roberts"
9. "Say Goodbye","Lisa Gardner"
8. "Blue Smoke and Murder","Elizabeth Lowell"
7. "Meet Me in Venice","Elizabeth Adler"
6. "Tribute","Nora Roberts"
5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",
4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis" - NF
3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"
2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"
1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Recharged and happy

I'm back from my short trip to Malacca. It was great! I had a fantastic time and I went a little crazy shopping and eating all the awesome food! We walked a lot and met plenty of kind & polite people there. I feel happy.

I'm feeling lazy today. Reading blogs and going to watch some TV later. Really need to have a job, need to get my butt up and work for passion, money.. whatever.. I have to. I can't survive too long on my savings and I need to get my brain working again.

Hope there're good job opportunities in the classified tomorrow.

Monday, December 7, 2009

road trip!

I'm not sleepy and I woke up at 5am yesterday morning after falling asleep at 1230am. wide eyed at 5am in the morning is not fun. I was willing myself to doze back to sleep or to get up and surf the net. Sleeps beckons.

Anyway, I will be calling it a night soon - there's simply too many things to do online! and going to sleep and hopefully be up at 745am. Going for a short trip with friends and please pray for me that nothing happen on the roads and during the trip. That all of us will be safe and sound.

Good night.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Butterfly Fly Away

I watched "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and I fell in love with a few songs and the energy. It's targeted for kids and I'm already moving on in my age, but it's fun and it's nice. Sometimes all you need are things that make you happy and chick flicks are one of them.

My granny and mum took care of me as a child and this song brought me back to 3 when I was a pesky toddler, to 7 when I started P1 and to 9, when I had to take my streaming exams in Primary school. I wished I had a dad to be part of this, but he died 1 month before I was born due to an accident. I think this song perfectly describes the relationship a little girl would like with her father, or what I would like to have. But I'm  thankful to my mum & granny for being there and I'm sad and crying because I miss what I couldn't have.

My heart hurts when I thought of them trying to get me into better school,  but were turned away by the elite school because of my single parent status. A kind sister interviewed and accepted me into a convent school and here I am. I've always wonder how I would be like if I ended up in a neighborhood school or an elite school. How would my health be like. Which way of the scale would I tip over? Be part of a gang? Or trying desperately trying to fit in the upper class like "Gossip Girls" and "The OC"?

It's now back to basic and I want to dedicate this song to my mum and granny for all those years.

Butterfly Fly Away

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana
"Hannah Montana: The movie"© WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY;

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

sleep! let me sleep!

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and  I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!
want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

To all my friends: Hang In there

To all my friends out there, thank you for your encouragement. I find this song fitting for all and I want to tell you all to hang on to anything, everything. Each shred of hope, light and belief. That we will get through the pain and never ending difficulties and disappointment, and though it may never be over... hanging on is all we have now.

Hang on -Plumb

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

i'm so stubborn, it's how i got here 
so alone, feels like forever 
wanna swim away 
and breath the open air 
I feel so afraid 
then I hear you say 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here 
I'm starving for what I hold so dear 
like a huricane 
takes everything 
from me, wake me from this dream 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go 

three days, thirty years 
so hopeless doesn't matter 
don't say it's too late 
if you blink your eyes 
the sun is rising 
the sun is rising 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut


Thursday, November 26, 2009

I can't wash it away!

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised,  I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I forget how it was like to dream...

lost all will to live, i'm just staying alive... just breathing, just getting through each day.
recently gone down to a low low, haven't reach this point in a very long time, kept crying, felt literally empty and the place where my heart is was just a huge gaping hole that doesn't hurt, just empty, just void, just a space where the heart used to be.
fear smells bitter, throat constricted, breathing laboured.
trying to reach above again, trying to hold on to reality.
i can smell my past, can be transported to another world, another time.
the lines are blurring, i forget reality. the real world is too loud.

but i'm so tired. i just want to sleep and escape. but the dreams are not helping.

will be fine. i hope.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm here

I'm here, ok.

Things were ok but it's up and down and I just didn't want to think anymore.

I'm rather low, want to cry and wish it will never return.

Oh boy. it's the start all over again... just not as bad as before- I hope.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My June

So I have served my one month's notice at work. I'm officially jobless again. I feel lost and aimless.

And guess what? I contracted H1N1 2 Sundays ago, was on Tamiflu and had a rash plus nausea and generally sicker than I have ever been.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Asked to leave

Last wed, I was told that the company was unable to confirm me because of my hospitalisation due to the query seizure attack and the medical leave I took.

I cried and was very demoralized.

I accepted that it's purely business and nothing personal, but now I have to put up with endless gossips and some awful b**** who keeps making life and things difficult for me. I want to cry but I keep telling myself that if I can through this, I can handle the next job and difficult co-workers. I have gone through worse right? I ca do this, but it's so mentally exhausting to keep fighting within yourself.

I want to give up and I want to cry.

I have till end of month, 26 May 09. It's such a long way, but counting only working days, I have 18 days to go. I need to go through this. Please help me.

Friday, May 8, 2009


I'm ok, just very tired and hoping to sleep in over the weekend.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'm in a agitated and depressed mood. I feel lousy because I was "threatened" to have a flu vaccination as I work in a healthcare setting. Due to the H1N1 outbreak around the world, my hospital is encouraging all healthcare workers  to be vaccinated.

So far there's no case here, but we are in Orange alert. This means temperature taking, masks and declaration of travel history in all government buildings and hospitals.

I was told that if we were to refuse vaccination, we would not be covered medically if we contract flu. That is pure rubbish. I do not want to to be injected because I cannot be sick, I have had vaccination before and I had fever and aches. I can't be sick, I would crash and my mood would be affected. I need to protect myself. I have also read that Vaxigrip may affect the nerves and I recently had a seizure scare and though my MRI was cleared, my tingling sensation still persist on and off. 

My mood is dropping today, I was just so agitated, frustrated and I want to cry. I'm getting tired again and to cheer myself, I went to Cold Storage for a walk and bought yogurt and milk. I feel so lonely and helpless and being threatened just made me want to lash out.

N, my colleague agrees that it is not fair and having someone on my side helps. I will have to see how it goes tomorrow. Not only that, I was volunteered to administer the vaccination injection. It's not my job scope and though I am a nurse by training, I haven't given any injection for a year  and I'm scared. I have no confidence in myself and I really do not want to do it. I brought a needle and syringe home to practise on a sponge, the vaccination is on next Friday just so it won't disrupt work activities and well, if we do get a fever, we can recover over the weekend.

I ma just so upset. I can't seem to let it go.
I want to stay home and not work anymore.  

Friday, April 10, 2009

Silence Please

I don't feel good. Bothe physically and mentally.

My head is spinning thoughts. I can't stop, I can't silence it. I was ok yesterday, the day before. I was even a little hyper, organising my CDs, DVDs collection and listing it all out on my hub's advice because I couldn't find the CDs I want when I want to. And all the CDs and VCDs brings back memories. I have only list out a drawer on paper and I'm tired.

I walked in and out. I read, stop. watched TV. stop. started another book. stop.

Started Madness: A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. I was fearful even as a child. Was that when it all started for me? I think so, but I can't really remember. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master  the language soon.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

If you leave

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Beautiful sunset skies

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Partial Seizures that's what I have

I didn't get better and was sent to A&E on Wednesday morning. I was still having very bad headache and was very giddy. In the end I was admitted for observation for a day and was discharged yesterday.

I was admitted for having giddiness for 3/7, then my diagnosis was changed to Fits in the A&E recovery room. Finally they admitted me for having a complex partial seizures. The diagnosis scares me.

I did a CT brain scan and had an EEG. My CT scan was ok and am now waiting for my EEG report, out maybe next week.

I was quite a baby when I was admitted and to much embarrassment, the nurses and Drs were very kind to me. The night nurse found me crying and it's one of those times when you are so scared and worried that you just cannot stop. I was very depressed and I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't say why I'm crying and I was embarrassed to be crying because I work in the hospital and I don't know how to explain my emotions. The lights were off at 9pm and in total darkness, I felt trapped and had a panic attack and I was so lonely and my heart hurt so bad. I was in a deep hole and I was so so so depressed.

She comforted me and made me a hot drink. That night I had a fainting episode again, the ground was moving and my head was light headed and my hands and feet were numb and had tingling sensation. I was confined to bed and feeling more scared, cried some more. In the end, my hubby came and held my hand. 

I also felt trapped because no one knew what's really wrong with me and I couldn't be 100% honest about my medical history  because that's a secret I will have to carry to my grave. I have thought about it and have decided that unless I have a tumor in my brain and need to be operated on or something and that it is necessary to disclose, i will do so. Otherwise, I can't bear it. For all the mental health awareness program in this country, it's a taboo and no one really understand.

The CT scan and EEG was an eye opener, the technician showed me the probes and my reading on the computer screen but the DR will have to analyse it and write the report. While capturing the awake mode, she flashes bright lights in my eyes (my eyes were closed) and made me breathe in and out very quickly for 3 mins  to collect some readings. These made my headache worse and my limbs numb and tingly. In the sleep mode, she played some music and I tried to relax and sleep. I think I did sleep for a short while and she was satisfied with the readings. The whole procedure took 30 min or longer.

I'm home and recovering. Though my right side is still slightly weaker, it seems this is the residual effect of the seizure and will go away. I'm actually wondering if I had a seizure because of my BP condition. This brain of mine has seems to be in shock and wasted. I don't feel the same today. I need to ask my psy Dr when I see him 2 weeks later.

I feel blessed to be alive. Ironic for someone in this state.

I think I'm OK though. Hmm..

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Got an earlier appointment

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a panic attack and dare I imagine, a small seizure when I found myself shaking.

Anyhow, I called the clinic and asked if they could give me an earlier appointment. Its now 14 Apr instead of 28 Apr. 2 weeks ahead, better than none. I have request to be on a waiting list in case anyone cancelled their appointment and I can be seen in their place.

My head hurts. I feel that there is something in there and I want to throw up and my eyes hurts.
I'm giddy and although it's not a pleasant feeling, I wouldn't mind fainting again, just so I can get myself admitted and speed up the investigational process.

I cried alot and my mum cried too. She is afraid that there is really something wrong with me and I may die.

I'm just staring into space and I'm afraid to work in case I faint at work in front of my patients. I don't know what to think really.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I may have epilepsy

I thought I had died and came back.

This morning at 630am, I woke up and was preparing to go to work. I was brushing my teeth and felt very giddy, my mom gave me a chair and asked me to sit down, I continues to brush my teeth but the heaviness of the head was too much to bear. I placed my head down and I fainted. I heard my mum calling for my husband and the rest was a blank. When I fought to reagin consciousness, I saw stars, bright spots, and a circle. I was out for around 5-10 mins.

I knew I was breaking out in cold sweat, and I was very scared.

My husband told me that I was shivering and my hands and legs were trembling and shaking. I went to my GP and he suggest neurological tests to rule out epilepsy. I need to be seen by a neurologist for EEG and CT scans. I used to have fainting spells when I was in my teens. That will cost me alot of money. I had to call my boss as my hubby was the one who called earlier to inform that I fainted. Epilepsy is another taboo illness. I really don't think I can keep this job for long.

I have worked out the total cost to be $ 600. My illnesses are getting too expensive. I have left a msg for my psychiatrist and am waiting for him to call.

My earliest neuro appt is on the 28 Apr 09. That's long time to wait and I'm paying private rate in a hospital.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

Friday, March 20, 2009

This made yesterday easier to bear

I was still feeling down but forced myself to work yesterday. I had to. My colleague is on leave and I have to cover her study. I am a research coordinator and this involves meeting and talking to alot of people and it's hard when you are depressed but you have to put on a front and just do it. It was a very tiring day yesterday and I went home beat.

Back to the morning, while I was dragging my feet up the stairs to the bus stop, I saw this tiger cat sleeping in such an adorable way. I went closer and took out my phone and it woke up and looked at me, and upon realizing that all I want is a picture, it promptly covered its eyes! This made me smile and I felt slightly better that I can get on with the day. 

Work was tiring and I got snapped at. I went home and I cried, the dam broke and my tears couldn't stop. I woke up puffy eyed and a very dazed Jessica.

Anyway I had a training course today and it ended early. I reached home at 5pm and at 520 saw that I've a missed call at 511. I called back and the Dr asked if I'm still around to see a patient to explain regarding the research. I told her I've left. I felt guilty that I left and I'm worried if she will think the worst of me. She said never mind, can see next week. But the conflicting thought is it's already 520pm and today we end work at 530pm It's Friday after all. I hate holding work phone.

I must stop learning to be guilty and get upset over such matters. Who are they to judge? If  I can do my work that all that matters. But what happen if I can't work well? I'm fearful.

Anyway I'm home and the weekend is here. I'm feeling very fearful and teary and my heart seems to be pounding in a hollow space. I can hear it go "thud thud thud".

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

I must clarify that I only visit  the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me  sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't.  I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no. 

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me. 

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

colours and fly into another world

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and  need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.
My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Too soon to crash

I'm feeling so anxious that I'm actually shaking. How can i go through this again?
My heart is pounding and my chest hurts. 
I know with every ups will be a crashing down. But I can't cope with this. Would people be talking about me behind my back? How can I face their looks tomorrow. Would they gossip about me not being at work since I started only 6 weeks ago? 6 weeks but it felt so long. It's too soon but I feel the burnout and stress creeping out. Would I be ask to go?

Reading list Mar 09

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",
4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis"
3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"
2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"
1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Strong virus

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine. 
This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

Monday, March 9, 2009

flu and upsets

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.
This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. 

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself. 

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by. 

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.
I need a purpose to get up each day.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Please ignore me, I'm new

I stayed home today because I felt rather sick. Both physical and mental.
My legs were very weak and i felt giddy when I stood up. I couldn't fight to go to work and I knew part of it is due to my moods.

I distracted  myself with the internet for the last 3 hours and even though I felt sleepy after taking the painkillers and stemetil and prednisolone and flu tablets, I couldn't sleep. Like my mind is suddenly on alert and my body is in the land of the weak and depressed. 

I'm actually happy at home. I hate going out to work and pretend to be proactive and interested for 9 hours, and yes.. to socialized. Arragh. It's tough. I'm bored at work but I didn't ask for too much to do because I'm scared I couldn't cope with the stress, but I'm stressed when people kept saying "this is no problem for you, you have done it before" because I can't really remember much of what I do! Then there is the "don't try too hard, otherwise people may gossip that you are trying to outshine them" thoughts. 

I have been keeping to the "Please ignore me, I'm new" thoughts. My mind is fogged and not alert and I'm afraid of looking stupid.

I'm also afraid that people will talk about me since I'm sick after 3 weeks at work and I'm nervous and worried. I feel nervous about going to work and I have to pretend again.

I'm scared.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stopped trying today

I didn't go to work today because I couldn't get out of bed.  I stopped trying, I stopped fighting with myself. 

Now I feel like crap.

Anyhow, work went on quite well last 2 weeks and I was pleased with myself. But the bubble burst and I felt the world closing on me again. I found out that someone at work who wasn't very friendly with me had cancer and went for an operation last week. I visited her and I felt so sad to see her in pain. She is only 27, young and looking set to explore the world. She kept asking "why me?"....

why me?

This question has been on my lips, in my mind. I can understand how she feel but I can't reach out to her. I don't know her and I can't tell. Mental illness is very different from cancer. Both are illness but one get looked down on and the other gets support. 

I had the worst period last week. I was in so much pain and my pain is everywhere. Physical, mental and emotional. I want to give up. My heart feels like it's being clenched and the air is sucked out of me. I want to cry, but the tears dries up after a few drops. 

I feel horrible and I want to give up. I feel bad for having such thoughts ... but the dullness and aching is eating me.

I'm going to take my medication and hope this will  go away soon. I can't wish for much, just that things will be in control.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

work so far

I have started work last week and it went very well! My mood was very good. I was motivated, enthusiastic and participative. I spent the 1st 4 days doing orientation with all departments newbies and only entered my department last Friday for real work.

It takes so much effort to be happy, I tried not to think so much, to tell myself to take things easy so as not to overload and overwork. But the tiredness and thoughts started to creep in this morning. My internal anxieties and the need to excel and compete is pushing through. And I wish I could go back to bed and not work again. How confusing. I wish I do not have to work yet I like what I'm doing so far. I have alot of things to read and learn.

I aim to concentrate solely for the 9.5 hrs at work (830 to 6pm) and leave promptly to return and be with myself, to do the things I want. Even if it means gazing at the ceiling. I need to be better. I fear the crash. It could be worse since I was really happy. I must listen to my body.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Puffy eyes

After 2 days of Stilnox CR, I feel very sleepy and tired. I'm not too sure if this is related to the med. The Stilnox CR and Stilnox 10mg are very different. When I'm on Stilnox, I can feel the effect of the drug faster and when I wake up, I don't feel so drowsy and heavy. But after taking the Stilnox CR, I feel heavy, my eyelids are heavy and when I woke up, I found that my eyes were puffy.

Not too sure if this is related to the med or I'm feeling tired again because I have been up and high the last couple of days, going out doing stuffs and feeling great.

I really hate the highs and lows.

Meds change and starting work

I want to be thankful. If I have only one year left to live, what are the things I wished to do?
Nothing and just sleep away.

No, seriously, there are things I would like to see, visit and do. To travel and to let go.
My list is waiting to be completed. 
I have changed my Stilnox 10mg to Stilnox CR 12.5mg. Will it make me put on weight or have roll over drowsy effect? They are no longer producing Stilnox 10mg.
I wish I can stop medication, the thoughts are in my mind and I'm so tempted to.

My Dr would like me to wait and see, the more conservative approach, afraid that I will crash, afraid that I can't work.

Have I told you, I'm starting work on Mon? My anxieties is back and I'm filled with dread yet excited with the prospect to start anew.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I do not want to be hurt

I feel indignant. I don't think people should judge without fully understanding the situation or how the person feel.
Yes, granted, I feel like a horrible person but it could be my character and it could also be my condition. I don't think people who doesn't know me should form a skewed impression of me. If I'm horrible to your standard, then I'm sorry, that's me.

Stop hurting me by not understanding.
I'm not having fun.

I'm like this because of bipolar, because I can't control. When I'm well, I reflect and I learn from my behavior. It's a lonely journey and I need support. Just don't judge me or give up on me... because it a hard and empty feeling to be like this for 8 years.

Monday, January 26, 2009

lost myself

I looked at my old pictures and I looked at myself. I have lost myself. I do not know who I am, how I was once sweet and innocent and could evolve into somethings so hateful. I miss myself. I miss her. I dunno who is this girl now. Who are you? I hate you! I want to kill you.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I feel bad about my outburst yesterday.
I feel like a horrible person.
I feel guilty for being negative.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Angel TV and reality demon

I hate myself when I'm like this. I whine. I whine at myself, my life, my incompleteness and incompetence.

I'm still in the crying, feeling sorry for myself mood. I know I can be fake, I can fake my happiness, hide my true self, but I do not go around pushing it into people's face. I know of someone who is not so happy but she rubs her "happiness" into everyone's face, into my face.
She makes every crazy thing like jumping into sea and running into the road spontaneous and carefree and when I do something like that, I'm manic. I feel inferior when I'm with her, because I'm not perfect, not good enough, not pretty enough. It's like on fantasy TV, she's pretty with bipolar but is an angel and people wants to protect her. But in reality, I'm like the one who is "unfortunate enough" to be bipolar and people goes "Tsk Tsk.. such a pity, her poor mother" but despise me and distance from me, and when I do something wrong and different, it's just my character, my incompetence and my lack of self discipline. 

I do not want to compare but I feel wronged by people around me. I feel wronged by myself, like I do not know who I am.

Someone close told me that I'm selfish and I was taken aback, I was hurt and upset and I couldn't let it go. I do admit I'm no saint and I am selfish. Which human isn't? But am I such a horrible person that I can't feel happy for someone? for my friend? I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm not happy. I'm feeling horrible, depressed and hateful. I resent everyone and I resent happiness. Does it truly exist? Is it all an illusion and so fake? why do people believe some but not others? Am I not convincing? I need to shut myself up and I do not know how to stop feel manipulated by her and be controlled by my moods.

I though I  have self control and not be affected by external factors but I'm still affected..

I feel inferior to my friend and I feel that I'm not happy enough, that I'm not well enough because I'm still on meds and I'm feeling like this. She is not on meds and her life (or so it seems) have taken a 180 degree turn and she is so spontaneous and carefree to jump into the pool on her wedding and I'm not. And because I'm jealous, I am selfish because I can't be happy for her. But I am jealous. I am jealous that she doesn't need to be on meds and God has cured her but I'm still here going up and down, up and down. I feel somehow abandoned.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

This woman's work

I heard this song last night when I was watching Without a Trace 5, All the Sinners, Saint.
The episode was about a woman suffering from bipolar who was involve in a murder. The ending was sad, very disturbingly sad and I cried.

I have been feeling very low since yesterday and today I took the bus around and I wanted to cry over every little thing.. and I wish this high and lows would end. Am I going any lower? Do I have to go any lower when I have to go back to work soon? Why didn't I go low when I was having my break? When I was not working and have nothing to fear and everything to throw? Why do I have to pick myself out of the misery, believed that I'm better and go right back to it?

I am very depressed.

And I found the song on Youtube and my emotions just go and my tears flow when I hear this.
I feel empty and sad and I can't think of anymore words to describe this emptiness.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Back here again

I have realised that when I'm on the high, I have absolutely no mood to write and I'm so occupied with everything. Now that the joy have fizzled out and I'm backing to staring at spaces and crying every night, I'm filled with despair and disappointment with all things and myself. Why am I back here?

I have gone for job interviews and currently in the midst of negotiation with a company. I may start work in Feb. I was looking forward to working last week, the possibility of earning money, shopping and feeling accomplished! But now, I am filled with dread and stress. Almost to the point of indifference.

I attended a lovely wedding last week and with the upcoming festive season next week (Chinese New Year), I have been distracted.

Gosh, I hate to whine, but I'm getting fatter. I had acquaintance asking if I'm having a baby. How indiscreet. Geez. Just because I'm wearing a loose top.

I'm just tired and am trying to read but I feel so jittery. I have so much in my head but nothing comes out nicely, it's a mess in my head.