Friday, April 10, 2009

Silence Please

I don't feel good. Bothe physically and mentally.

My head is spinning thoughts. I can't stop, I can't silence it. I was ok yesterday, the day before. I was even a little hyper, organising my CDs, DVDs collection and listing it all out on my hub's advice because I couldn't find the CDs I want when I want to. And all the CDs and VCDs brings back memories. I have only list out a drawer on paper and I'm tired.

I walked in and out. I read, stop. watched TV. stop. started another book. stop.

Started Madness: A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. I was fearful even as a child. Was that when it all started for me? I think so, but I can't really remember. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master  the language soon.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

If you leave

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Beautiful sunset skies

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Partial Seizures that's what I have

I didn't get better and was sent to A&E on Wednesday morning. I was still having very bad headache and was very giddy. In the end I was admitted for observation for a day and was discharged yesterday.

I was admitted for having giddiness for 3/7, then my diagnosis was changed to Fits in the A&E recovery room. Finally they admitted me for having a complex partial seizures. The diagnosis scares me.

I did a CT brain scan and had an EEG. My CT scan was ok and am now waiting for my EEG report, out maybe next week.

I was quite a baby when I was admitted and to much embarrassment, the nurses and Drs were very kind to me. The night nurse found me crying and it's one of those times when you are so scared and worried that you just cannot stop. I was very depressed and I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't say why I'm crying and I was embarrassed to be crying because I work in the hospital and I don't know how to explain my emotions. The lights were off at 9pm and in total darkness, I felt trapped and had a panic attack and I was so lonely and my heart hurt so bad. I was in a deep hole and I was so so so depressed.

She comforted me and made me a hot drink. That night I had a fainting episode again, the ground was moving and my head was light headed and my hands and feet were numb and had tingling sensation. I was confined to bed and feeling more scared, cried some more. In the end, my hubby came and held my hand. 

I also felt trapped because no one knew what's really wrong with me and I couldn't be 100% honest about my medical history  because that's a secret I will have to carry to my grave. I have thought about it and have decided that unless I have a tumor in my brain and need to be operated on or something and that it is necessary to disclose, i will do so. Otherwise, I can't bear it. For all the mental health awareness program in this country, it's a taboo and no one really understand.

The CT scan and EEG was an eye opener, the technician showed me the probes and my reading on the computer screen but the DR will have to analyse it and write the report. While capturing the awake mode, she flashes bright lights in my eyes (my eyes were closed) and made me breathe in and out very quickly for 3 mins  to collect some readings. These made my headache worse and my limbs numb and tingly. In the sleep mode, she played some music and I tried to relax and sleep. I think I did sleep for a short while and she was satisfied with the readings. The whole procedure took 30 min or longer.

I'm home and recovering. Though my right side is still slightly weaker, it seems this is the residual effect of the seizure and will go away. I'm actually wondering if I had a seizure because of my BP condition. This brain of mine has seems to be in shock and wasted. I don't feel the same today. I need to ask my psy Dr when I see him 2 weeks later.

I feel blessed to be alive. Ironic for someone in this state.

I think I'm OK though. Hmm..