I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people"
I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.
I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...
I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.
My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.
He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.
I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.
In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.
Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is
Rachel's holiday.
This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.
I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.
That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation
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The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton
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One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk“
