Sunday, January 31, 2010

When I woke up...

I woke up at 9 am this morning and slept again, woke up at around 1230 pm. I felt better but with feeling of regrets over last night's (this morning) episode. I had a maniac- angry episode, with loads of anxiety and despair.

I am very thankful for my husband. He calmed me down, stroked my back as I slept and told me not to feel stressed and scared over working again. Night times are always the worst for me when I'm anxious and stressed.

I'm worried that I can't sleep tonight and I hope I can manage it. It's like once I spent 2 days sleeping at close to 3 because of nights out, I can't fall asleep at 12 or 1 am again.  

Getting ready to go out and celebrate my grandma's birthday tonight. Called a cake shop and reserved a cake, will collect it on the way to her place.


I feel trapped by life, by expectations again. I cannot breathe. I may faint again and get another zap. I dun feel good. I want to scream & cry & pray. My head hurts and I can't breathe.

Maybe if I can sleep....then I will deal with it again.

I want to die if I can't sleep

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Sleepy afternoon

I'm feeling better though still feels giddy on & off. The runny nose has stopped though I still feel tired and sluggish.

Had a great time catching up with H, an old friend who has moved away. The time spent together was great, just shopping, chatting and laughing. I hope to meet her again next week before she leaves if she has the time. It's a blessing to find friends you are comfortable to be around, who understands you and not judge you.

I'm thinking of going shopping as there are some discounts in town. But the wind keeps blowing into my room and it's making me sleepy. But I'm not suppose to sleep anymore...I slept for almost 12 hours last night! I woke up close to 1 pm and I'm still tired, wonder if it's because of the flu I had.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Marian Keyes & my story

I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people" 

I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.

I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...

I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.

My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.

He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.

I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.

In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.

Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't  as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is Rachel's holiday. 

This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.

I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.

That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton

One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

359 days to go.

Happy New year everyone! It's 2010, isn't it great?

ok, a little forced enthuiasm here, but I'm trying with my heart and mind to be really positive and optimistic. When 201o rang in and the night was cool and breezy, I told myslef this is going to be a great year! Definitely much better than 2009 where I was back stabbed and lost my job because of jealousy and pure evilness and nothing to do with my illness as all. I worked really hard but because of bad mouthing and pretension of being nice and all, my supervisor turned the tables on me. I really hate her. I have never really dislike someone so intensely- not even the previous J at the ex workplace (Thinking back I could have handled that better) but this completely stuns me. How she talked to me, how 2 faced she is, one moment all sugar & nice and another spit & spite.

OK. sigh.

The thing is, I was really upset about the loss of the job, because I gave it my all. I kept to a routine, I slept early, avoid streesors within my control and I did my best. I felt betrayed by God, that why it had to happen this way, when I tried so hard.

Then there's my health.

I had a fainting episode and the A&E Dr suspects it was a seizure. My left side was weaker and I was giddy all the time. I had to be admitted and had CT & MRI brain and the works. This became one of the excuses to rid me from my workplace.

Than after the zap, I was ok. I went to work as normal, didn't have a break down as I thought I would have went I lost my job and when all seems well ( I patted myself on the back for handling the disasters in my life with grace)... I was infected with H1N1 at the peak of the outbreak here where nothing seems confirmed, people dies and the no. of people infected was on the news everyday. And I was supposed to go to Taiwan for my wedding anniversary trip. 2 days before, I was having a bad sore throat and started having a fever as high as 39.4 degrees celsius. I thought I was going to die when they swabbed me. And I had drug reaction to Tamiflu and I had rashes on my body with very pronounced rash on my thighs. I had to continue with Tamiflu because that was the miracle drug see, that was the only drug known to treat H1N1 then. And at that moment I knew that if the allergy does not disappear on it own, I would have anaphylaxis and I was truly scared. I had food and drug allergic reaction before and was treated at the hospital 10 years ago for anaphylaxis. Flushing, hives, diarrhoea, airways closing- all happened. 

I am thankful the worst didn't happen. The rashes flared and died down on its own. I didn't die.
It was at this moment that I realised that I want to live and when I get depressed and hopeless with myself, I tried really hard to remember this incident and convinced myself that I WANT TO LIVE! It's hard when the future is bleak and when I'm convinced that I'm a good for nothing useless bum that no one wants to hire you (I'm waiting for an interview and there're no calls) and when the mood suddenly hits rock bottom after a couple days high.

The point of this post is - yay, good riddance 2009.

And how much I sincerely want this year to be  abetter year for me. Of course 2009 has alot to be thankful for. Trips and meeting up with friends and all the love I received.
I want to live better. Not like this. Better and I have to try. I have never written goals but maybe this year I will try. Nothing impressive but I should. Even simple things like "read more than 50 books" sounds good. And of course "get a job", better if "get a job I really like" but beggars can't be choosers.

The thing is, this year and maybe even the next will be difficult for all of us. Things may not go according to plan, and we may not be able to control our moods but hang in there. Wish a little, pray and believe that somehow things may change and one day we can live the life we can only dream of.

Happy New Year. Let's hang on together.

Clarity of the Moon. Looking at it in awe, I can't help but make a wish.