I'm here

I'm here, ok.

Things were ok but it's up and down and I just didn't want to think anymore.

I'm rather low, want to cry and wish it will never return.

Oh boy. it's the start all over again... just not as bad as before- I hope.

My June

So I have served my one month's notice at work. I'm officially jobless again. I feel lost and aimless.

And guess what? I contracted H1N1 2 Sundays ago, was on Tamiflu and had a rash plus nausea and generally sicker than I have ever been.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Asked to leave

Last wed, I was told that the company was unable to confirm me because of my hospitalisation due to the query seizure attack and the medical leave I took.

I cried and was very demoralized.

I accepted that it's purely business and nothing personal, but now I have to put up with endless gossips and some awful b**** who keeps making life and things difficult for me. I want to cry but I keep telling myself that if I can through this, I can handle the next job and difficult co-workers. I have gone through worse right? I ca do this, but it's so mentally exhausting to keep fighting within yourself.

I want to give up and I want to cry.

I have till end of month, 26 May 09. It's such a long way, but counting only working days, I have 18 days to go. I need to go through this. Please help me.

Tired

I'm ok, just very tired and hoping to sleep in over the weekend.

Threatened

I'm in a agitated and depressed mood. I feel lousy because I was "threatened" to have a flu vaccination as I work in a healthcare setting. Due to the H1N1 outbreak around the world, my hospital is encouraging all healthcare workers  to be vaccinated.

So far there's no case here, but we are in Orange alert. This means temperature taking, masks and declaration of travel history in all government buildings and hospitals.

I was told that if we were to refuse vaccination, we would not be covered medically if we contract flu. That is pure rubbish. I do not want to to be injected because I cannot be sick, I have had vaccination before and I had fever and aches. I can't be sick, I would crash and my mood would be affected. I need to protect myself. I have also read that Vaxigrip may affect the nerves and I recently had a seizure scare and though my MRI was cleared, my tingling sensation still persist on and off. 

My mood is dropping today, I was just so agitated, frustrated and I want to cry. I'm getting tired again and to cheer myself, I went to Cold Storage for a walk and bought yogurt and milk. I feel so lonely and helpless and being threatened just made me want to lash out.

N, my colleague agrees that it is not fair and having someone on my side helps. I will have to see how it goes tomorrow. Not only that, I was volunteered to administer the vaccination injection. It's not my job scope and though I am a nurse by training, I haven't given any injection for a year  and I'm scared. I have no confidence in myself and I really do not want to do it. I brought a needle and syringe home to practise on a sponge, the vaccination is on next Friday just so it won't disrupt work activities and well, if we do get a fever, we can recover over the weekend.

I ma just so upset. I can't seem to let it go.

I want to stay home and not work anymore.  

Silence Please

I don't feel good. Bothe physically and mentally.

My head is spinning thoughts. I can't stop, I can't silence it. I was ok yesterday, the day before. I was even a little hyper, organising my CDs, DVDs collection and listing it all out on my hub's advice because I couldn't find the CDs I want when I want to. And all the CDs and VCDs brings back memories. I have only list out a drawer on paper and I'm tired.

I walked in and out. I read, stop. watched TV. stop. started another book. stop.

Started Madness: A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. I was fearful even as a child. Was that when it all started for me? I think so, but I can't really remember. 

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master  the language soon.

If you leave

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.

Beautiful sunset skies

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!