Merry Christmas!

I had a great lamb dinner with my family tonight. The food tasted really good and I was very happy.

I'm a little sad now. 

For once X'mas is over, what else would I have to look forward to? I'm lost and sad and my heart feels empty. But Christmas is meant to be filled with love and happiness and with lots of joy. I need to put this at the back of my head today and deal with it when X'mas is over.

For all  my friends,

Merry Christmas and may you spend the day with your friends and loved ones!

Take care,

Jessica

Anxiety

I'm in the midst of preparing to go out for dinner with my hubby and I can't believe how nervous I feel! 

It's the thought of 

- walking out of my door,

- walking 10 mins to the train station,

- another 20 mins of train ride with alot of strangers

- waiting for him at the shopping mall

There's nothing to be scared, but I am. Anxiety please go away and not let me trip.

Raindrops on my window and sunshine in the park

All is not gloom here really. I have lost my desire to blog since my mood is flat and I have been really tired.

Well, it's better to be depressed, teary and tired than depressed, agitated and not being able to sleep. My problem is really sleeping too much in the morning, I can't feel the motivation to wake up and face another day, yet I get anxious and scared when the night falls and I have to sleep and I'm afraid I can't sleep and I give in to Stilnox again. I'm relying too much on Stilnox and am trying to wean off it but I can't seems to do that. Do you have any idea how to?

On Mon, I will see my Dr again and I'm nervous. I don't think I'm any better or any worse, just the same really. I'm not better because I'm still not working and I'm just feeling the same. Being the same is sometimes for the best. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wish I can be well and normal. Well, it's just my fantasy.

It has been raining quite a bit here, that's how Dec is like. It's nice, the cool air and the smell that follows. The weather was glorious yesterday though, I went to the park and fed the turtles, fishes and swan. The laziness of it all just made me felt peaceful.

A parcel waiting to be collected

I'm feeling angry and depressed.

First thing first, I'm very upset over my friend whom I care about very much. She is in another country now and have been having a bad time, she's also the friend that I was mentioning about whom had depression but had believed that she is cured and unlike me, not on any medications. Anyway, she was down for awhile and we have been emailing and calling each other. I have sent her a couple of encouraging stuffs through mails and last week, in an attempt to cheer her up, I asked my family for a favour to bring something over last Tues. (to save on shipping fees as I'm quite broke) 

It has been a week and she have not collected it. She knows my family and we have spoken over the phone and my family knows that she will come over, but she hasn't. I don't understand. Why can't she go over and collect it? She told me the place is not far from where she lives, she drives and she can pop in over the weekend. I'm just very angry. I feel not appreciated and I find her selfish selfish and more selfish!!!

Ok, I may be over reacting but I'm really depressed and sad. I know when you do something for another person and you did it willingly, you can't expect anything in return. But I feel neglected and I find her selfish. Maybe she doesn't know I'm down since I'm able to be so contained most of the time. I'm always contained, I internalised my feelings and I'm ashamed of showing my weakness.

She on the other hand, always manages to get people eating out of her hands. And I'm not saying she's wrong, since somehow over the oceans, I can sensed something is not right. Bu why won't anyone care for me? Like giving me a card, giving me presents or something??

I think I'm jealous of her. She lives in another country, lives in a big house, drives, has a finance that just brings her and buys her whatever she wants. They are getting married soon. She talks about wanting lots of kids. 

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Or, deep down, I feel jealous because she is not on meds? Not seeing a Dr and somehow things always works out in her favour? Comparison is bad I know... but I feel like a failure. A big fat failure.

I live in small house, I can't drive but I know my hubby loves me in his way and I'm grateful for him in every way. But I want perfection.  And this feeling is eating me and I need some air. I hate how I'm feeling but I need to write this down so badly. That she is selfish. That I am lonely, that I wish I can receive some concern from her. That she could just go pick up the parcel and open it, and appreciate it.

Lazy afternoon and a lazy me

I'm feeling ok. Thinks that my recent moods is due to my period coming. I feel really bloated and heavy and I ache everywhere. It's delayed and I hate the feeling.

Anyway, last week was quite a quiet week at home. I spent the week reading and lazing around, only going to Ikea on Friday for some storage boxes. I removed stuffs form the cupboards, wiped it down and repacked everything.

This week I am very busy running errands and hanging out with my hubby who is on leave. We rushed around getting stuffs for his parents who are visiting his brother in Australia, drank coffee during lazy afternoons and hung out in shopping malls and searching supermarkets for good buys. We are thinking of going out for a walk later.

++++

I realised that most of my anxiety and stress came from having to work. I have an innate need to be in control of everything, and I fear the unknown. I had a couple of bad dreams last week, from being covered in blood to being bullied and to crying out in my sleep and waking up in tears. The dreams only started after I received the call from my ex company. I haven't prepared my cover letter and CV to submit. I feel stressed thinking of having to work and fearing. But I also feel stressed over not working as money is getting tight. People are losing jobs everyday, companies downsizing and retrenchment is in vogue now. I'm just scared.

Things will work out somehow, just that I wish I can do somehting about it faster.

My reflection of hatred

I'm having a bout of self doubt and insecurity. I have seen my friends picture in FB. She's skinny and pretty. I feel fat, ugly and urgh! I look at my face and I feel angry and hate myself. I wish I can thinner and just look better. 

I guess what I have alot of insecurities since young and that is what creates this life long relationship with medication and my Dr. I guess I'm ok, average looking and when I'm good, I think I look good in almost anything.. guess that when you feel good, you look good. But today, now.. I just look ugly! Maybe it's because I'm going to have my period in a month's time, i feel bloated and heavy and frumpy and fat.

I have a friend who is sick, from a physical illness and she looks skinny because well, she lost weight due to her illness and she has always been small built. And with my friend whose picture I have seen in FB, she has depression (not seeing any Dr or on medication now) and she is skinny. I know I'm obsessing with skinny right now but I have always wanted to be skinny. I used to be skinny, not very skinny but skinnier with nice collarbone and a nicer cheekbone.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I slept alot and I was nice and skinny. My hubby saw me then (we were friends but didn't meet up for a year or so) and he said I look like a POW. How I wish I could go back then and look like a mad, skinny girl. Then I was on Zoloft. Somehow, it ceased to work.... I stopped med for awhile, and when I visited my current Dr, he put me on Risperidal. I ballooned! I just ate and ate and was always cravng for unhealthy food. I took my weight and body type for granted and I didn't notice till about 5 mths later when I went back to work. I hadn't work for 5 mths and I had to get pants for work, I realised I couldn't fit into anything old.. all my old jeans. I'm disgusting! I have been living in ratty shorts and huge tee and I felt normal at home without actually hanging out with people.

Now, whenever my Dr suggest a change of med because the current med doesn't seems to work, I resist. I'm superficial. I told my Dr, I do not want to be  fat, I do not want to gain weight. I'd rather be depressed and skinny than be fat and depressed.

I'm a superficial being but I just hate myself. Hate what I see. If only I can be prettier, skinnier and smarter. If only I can be anyone but myself.

Going back to work?

I received a call this morning from my previous company which I have left 3 mths ago. It's the same position but it's at a different department.

The lady spoke to me before I left, they were planning to create this position but were waiting for management approval. I haven't really thought much about it since I left and I supposed they wouldn't call me since it has been awhile..

Anyhow, I'm in 2 minds about it. I'm worried about going back to a company I have worked in for such a short while, afraid that I can't cope... yet.. times are bad now. I need to start looking for a job to get money for my meds since I'm in private healthcare and it's not subsidised.

Why do I have to be sick? The amount I spent this year alone can be used for a good holiday!

 

News

There have been a lot of terror in the news lately.

I feel sad about the pain they felt, the lives that have lost and particularly this young lady who died just because she was in the wrong place.

It's sad when you have no control

Beautiful sadness

I feel so tired and heavy. I was looking through my written notes and I saw this entry I wrote in Oct. Why do I kid myself that it would go away, it never leaves permanently, it will always linger and medications can only do so much.

This picture speaks to me when I saw it in a mag.. It's so lonely, so isolated. Despair has never looked so beautiful, so enticing anywhere.

I need to write this moment of sadness down. It's a beautiful sadness, the sad lonely, heart wrenching emptiness is in a fleeting moment so beautiful.

Last night, I took an hour to fall asleep and whilst lying in bed... I was thinking how tired I am, and how I could just stop it.. I wonder which way is easier, less painful.. or I could let myself suffer in the process since I probably deserves it.. I hate not being able to fall asleep.. I hate how my hubby could just sleep like that. I hate my life but I love my life.

Feeling sick

I had a haircut today. Got frustrated at looking at my messy hair in the mirror.

All was well but I feel sluggish and tired. I went home soon after the haircut and didn't linger out for long. Was very happy and satisfied with my hair.

So all was well, but as I'm sitting here, I felt a sudden wave of nausea in me and I feel really really giddy. I feel like throwing up and my head hurts. If it doesn't get better, i would have to cancel my appointments for tomorrow.

I'm starting to get tired and really tired. Will try to sleep.

felt that it resembles me! Haha!

rain

There's going to be a thunderstorm tonight!

As I sit in my room, the sky flashes up and the thunders rumbled. There's the smell of rain in the air and the wind is cool. Best time to snuggle in bed and watch the raindrops hit against my windows.

down the stairs

so i slipped and fell down a couple of steps yesterday.

my body really hurts now! it's the quiet aching pain.

I have no idea how I slipped. It happened in a blink of an eye... I was already on the steps. Looking at my body position and where I now ache, I realised how I fell and landed.

I landed on my butt, hitting my back against the steps. As I fell, I reached out with my left arm to grab the railings, and in the process, putting most of the weight on the left side.  

I have also twisted my right ankle slightly and hurt the middle toe. anyway, I applied muscle relaxant ointment to my left arm and ribs last night, and also did a support bandage to my right foot to prevent swelling.

well.. just in case.

so my body was achy when I got up and I feel tired today. It's TV and internet day..

mood: +6

Naked and scared

Cr Created: 21/11/08 10:56 PM

(Typed this on Friday night when I got home. I did not have access to the internet, therefore recorded this on a word doc as soon as I can)

I just got home. Went out for dinner with 2 very old friends since my school days. One of them is a mother and another 3 months pregnant. They were talking about pregnancy and having kids. I felt disconnected from them, it’s as though pregnancy will never happen to me. I feel that I will never be a mother and I can’t be a mother.  I have read about how to cope with being pregnant and how having BD does not equate to not having children and I have discussed it with my Dr and he will support and ensure my safety and well being if I do get pregnant.. but I don’t know anymore. I’m confused.

 

Well. the point why I need to get this off my mind… we were talking about getting pregnant and discussing about our fears and I told them I’m on meds and I need it to get my moods stabilized. I have never really talked about this to my friends in recent years and  I just spoke about it and now I feel scared, fearful, weird and worried. It’s disconcerting.

 

I don’t think that they will judge me but when I was 23 and newly diagnosed after attempting suicide, I was lost, in denial and very afraid. I was hanging out with a group of friends who  I am now no longer in contact with. When I was initially diagnosed, I was really scared and I just keep talking about my moods, how I feel and all, but they slowly grew distant from me, ostracizing me and they finally told me they can’t cope with me. Even my then bf was avoiding me and I broke up with him. He fact is I grew to cope with my illness and I accepted that it’s part of me.. I have learnt to recognized my moods and learnt how to cope with it. I learnt to internalized it (well not really.. but I learnt who to talked abut it to) and I learnt who to trust and who to call for help. I can handle it.

 

Now, I feel vulnerable, exposed. I feel weird. I am not comfortable with how I’m feeling now. I just can’t trust people again, even though they are my closest friends. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel naked.

one week has passed...

oh my gosh, a week has just passed so quickly! Let me o a quick recap to remind myself what have I done for the week.

it has been fairly good. almost an 8. I have been out everyday, spoke to strangers, spent alot of money and been pretty active. What worries me is that being happy and such may eventually spiral downwards and I may feel low soon. see, I haven't been going out much for the last months, in fact, I desperately refused to go out and not take calls from friends. I was afraid that they would ask me out and I wouldn't know how to reject them. so yes, I was home bound and I spent my days on the computer and watching TV.

But I have been fairly active the last 4 days, in fact, I took the initiative to ask my mum and friends out!

Ok, let's see....

Monday

Met up with friend and her baby, spent the day playing with the baby, shopping and lots of chatting and walking. 

mood: good, relax +8

Tuesday

Out shopping with mum, collected my medications from the clinic, bought more stuffs. spoke to strangers and discussed about lipsticks.

was really happy and senses all high as I drank my latte. It was simply wonderful.. the whipped cream just taste so heavenly as it melted into the latte.

mood: happy, excited +8

Wednesday

It was raining, but I thought the dark stormy clouds were beautiful as it looms above the train station. went out with mum again, bought shoes and did some grocery shopping.

mood: was a little tired. ok but got a little irritated later in the day as the crowd and noise level grew. +7

Thursday

went out at 430pm, had coffee at Starbucks with Y. loved the x'mas drinks that they are having. 

spotted some cats, took pictures of ourselves and cats. Reached home at 7.

mood: ok +7

Fuzzy Brained

I'm feeling fuzzy brained. Last few days are so-so. Nothing much happened, though I get clammy and anxious for no apparent reasons. My heart would start pounding loudly and I feel scared and sick.

Concentration span is pretty low, can't read very much, contend with surfing channels and reading magazines. I feel bored and hopeless.

So what do you do at home?

I received an email from a friend. Someone that I used to work together, we kept in contact and she has now started work at a busy company.

It is actually a harmless question as we were emailing about jobs and stuffs.

But somehow this affected me.

"so what do you do at home basically everyday?"

seriously? I do nothing considerable. nothing earth shattering, nothing that provides to the ailing economy, nothing to science, nothing useful.

but i do know i am resting to get better, yet when and how do i get better? i will think about it again, just not today. i'm just doing it for myself.

she doesn't know about my condition. Just that i'm taking a break. I made a joke, ya, i'm a desperate housewife. hahaha.

of noisy kids and an outburst

Monday

I had a terrible backache. Was agitated, in pain and feeling low. I felt that my heart was empty and hollow, this empty hole that felt abandonment. That feeling became stronger when I had a friend who did not respond to my msg and request to meet up for coffee. It's just one of those days when rejection is hard to accept. We usually meet for weekly coffee, but I haven't sen her in about 4 weeks. so... thoughts went overdrive and I was worried.

Anyway, the kids started the nonsense again and my neighbour's kid, the 4 yr old boy, he kept opening and closing the door, banging it all the time.. it is very IRRITATING! and the final straw came when I realised that my main water supply was turned off!!! It was a very irritating prank and that got me! I went out of the house shouting "Who messed with the supply??"" the kids hid in their house, parents either oblivious or dun't bother. My hubby calmed me down and though I wanted to speak to the parents, I did not know which kid did it. And, I was just too angry and was afraid that I might lose it again.

After the outburst, I was drained. I was so angry that I trembled and cry. I haven't felt that in awhile. Then I felt guilty for shouting.

I was tired.

Tuesday

I was still tired. But I went out to an exhibition with my hubby, and because I didn't want to go home, we walked around.

I feel strange, I have always got along well with my neighbors. Or I have never lost my temper at them, or well basically they have all been nice. Most of my neighbors are elderly couples. 

My next door neighbor F moved in last year.

I want to get over this and not get obsessed with this issue. I just don't feel so good. Guilt with anger of how inconsiderate people are.

I've just cooked dinner. Fried rice with sausages, eggs, fishcakes and mixed peas.

Thankfully the kids have "disappeared" for awhile. Feel better, am planning to watch criminal minds online now.

Thunderstorm and kids

I'm tired today. It has only been a short while being online but already, I felt tired and my eyes hurt.

There was a huge thunderstorm last night. The thunders were really loud and it woke me up at 5am. It sounds as though nature is very very angry, the sky flashes in the dark and the rain kept pouring. The electricity tripped too. I realised it as I was going to the toilet. The loud sounds frightened me.

On another note, my neighbourhood kids are really noisy. I hate loud noises and I do not like screaming kids when I surf the net, read or watch TV. They are really loud. I live in a flat and it's not wrong for them to play in the day. But I wish my neighbour's boy did not come home so quickly. His mum brought him to visit his granny 2 weeks ago and it's really quiet and peaceful. Now he's back ( he's around 2), other kids (namely 2 more, one 6, another roughly 8) are back to look for him. They scream, shout, run and play guns and boy games. I'm not in the state to like kids now, frankly, I dislike them at this very moment! And every time they scream or run outside the house, I get this irritation building and get this headache. arrgh.

I am tired, irritated and feeling down.

Reading list

I have also been obsessing about writing a list of books I have read since Aug 08. I have been busy this year and haven't been reading much in the 1st  half of the year, except magazines. 

Here's the list from Aug 08:

1. "Mermaids in the Basement","Michael Lee West","0060184051","Reading now"

2. "High Noon","Nora Roberts","0399154345","Already read"

3. "Sanctuary","Nora Roberts","0425215377","Already read"

4. "Lessons in Heartbreak","Cathy Kelly","0007240384","Already read"

5. "Invitation to Provence","Elizabeth Adler","0312986424","Already read"

6. "The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature","Steven Pinker","0670063274","Already read"

7. "Sailing to Capri","Elizabeth Adler","0312339666","Already read"

8. "Remember Me","Sophie Kinsella","0552156116","Already read"

9."Shopaholic & Baby","Sophie Kinsella","0385338716","Already read"

10. "The House in Amalfi","Elizabeth Adler","031293646X","Already read"

11. "Deep Freeze","Lisa Jackson","0821772961","Already read"

12. "I Heard That Song Before","Mary Higgins Clark","0743268571","Already read"

13."Obsession","Karen Robards","0399154167","Already read"

14."Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You","Sam Gosling","0465027814","Reading now"

15. "Daily Wisdom for the Workplace: Practical, On-The-Job Insight from Scripture","Pamela McQuade","1586605712","Reading now"

16. "The Villa","Nora Roberts","0515132187","Already read"

17. "River's End","Nora Roberts","0749931590","Already read"

18. "The Chocolate Lovers' Club","Carole Matthews","0312376669","Already read"

19. "Artificial Happiness: The Dark Side of the New Happy Class","Ronald W. Dworkin","0786719338","Reading now"

I exported the list from Living Social. I'm still reading ome of hte books, eg # 16 Daily Wisdom for the workplace is an ongoing daily reading. Others, I sometimes read it halfway, got distracted by another book and will get back to it again.. somehow.

I used to be able to read no stop in the past. But now, I get distracted very easily and I have my moods. I can spend a day obsessing about reading, another watching DVDs, or another day surfing the net.

Yup, I did something today! Thinking if I should go out to town later.

note

Just a note to remind myself that I feel good today. Happy, around a 7.

My period is coming, my back really hurts, but I feel really good. =)

Nice evening

I finally went out today to collect my ID card. It's a sunny day today.

As usual, I was a little grouchy with the crowd of people in the train, I hate to be around strangers. But the staff at the immigration dept was nice and friendly, that made my day.

I'm currently drinking  a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon Rose and waiting  to catch my favorite episode of "Friends" on Starworld at 8pm.

We also had Japanese takeout for dinner!

Missing 10

The air feels crisps today. Cool and it had a nostalgic feeling to it, like when I was 10, at my granny's place.

I remembered it to be around year end, when it was the school's holiday. I get this feeling often when X'mas is around the corner. I became obsessed with getting the moment again, to getting the feeling of security, of being in the past again.

I have been feeling really low. really down, really lousy. I have been taking my meds and feeling frustrated at night, I would drink vodka.. and get the high feelings that I miss.

It's strange, the uninhibited highs, of letting go when it is chemical or drug induced. It's a good feeling. I have either the lows or the ok moods nowadays. I can't feel much. This is what my Dr wants, the feeling of normals. He says I get to the extreme, so it is safe and best to keep the moods in the middle. But what am I now? It's dull, when I'm sad, I know I am sad, but.. I can't cry till I'm hoarse. It just stays in me. When I'm happy... gosh.. what in the world is happy?! I functioned. Being happy means functioning. When I'm feeling better and good, I cook, I watch TV series, I read, I get myself out of the house and meet people. I function what everyone does everyday. I don't get the highs much more. I don't believe that I will get better.. that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life. I don't believe in trying, in thinking that I will be somewhere in my career.. because this is who I am, I tried so hard at working.. but after 5 years at my previous job and getting all the "discrimination" and the implication of failure looks from my boss because she knew that I was on meds and sick. She attribute all my MCs, failure to work with a back stabbing irresponsible colleague and any frustrations to my illness. It was narrow minded and unfair. That was 6 mths ago. I left the job.

I went on to a new job which is very different. Alot of socialisation which eventually I cannot cope. I left after 4 months. Th pay was good. But I was dreading work and the signs I knew so well were coming.  I had to leave, before I have to go through another breakdown and face the embarrassing situation of explaining my conditions and what not to stranger ( my boss, the HR manger..etc) No more.

So I am home. Resting and hoping to get better to have an income.

Meds and drinks gave me an instant high and it me fall asleep very quickly. But I woke up at 6am. I tried to sleep more, but I can't. I missed the days when I was 1st diagnosed 7 yrs ago. When I could sleep and sleep the entire day away. When my body was new to meds and absorbed everything quickly. I can't really tell if my meds are working. But as long as I am "normal". I suppose it is at least doing something.

I hope I did not do anything stupid in my state last night.

i want to die

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight

I cannot remember

Life is full of compartments. I have a blog for daily life, stuffs that friends can read and everyone is happy about. And this. My sad sad miserable life that I hide underneath this weird mask.

I have been jobless for a month now. And I have been writing all my angers and stuffs on paper. Sometimes, in the night, it is just so much easier to write in a notebook. I can write anywhere, huddle in a corner, while at the kitchen table.. anywhere. I would not have to turn on the mac, and not wake my hubby.

And I am feeling so lousy about myself. This is the worst time to be jobless, when a technical recession has hit Asia and newspaper is going on about retrenchment and stuffs. All the gloom and doom in this world and X'mas is coming... how I love X'mas!

The point of this being.. I simply cannot remember my old email address... the password and everything! I have been trying for days... I can find my blog but I simply cannot get the login email correct! Arrgh!

I feel sad that my old blog cannot be edited anymore.

I shall leave this for easy access

www.happieblues.blogspot.com