please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 

But I turn them off and tuck them away 

'till these rainy days that make them stay 

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday 

And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 

So please understand if I dont answer the phone 

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 

Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

source

Brittany Murphy dead? Can't be.

I can't believe that she's dead! I just watched "Ramen Girl" a couple of weeks ago, not to mention "Girl, Interrupted".

People don't die at 32 from cardiac arrest. It's too sudden.

Brittany Murphy, 32, dies mysteriously in her Los Angeles home

Actress Brittany Murphy dead at 32

Christmas lights at home

Toffe Nut Latte - my favourite Christmas drink since 2006.

Starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might.

My Christmas lights at home

Say "Hello" to my snowman at my door!

It's 4 more days to Christmas! Will be having a X'mas party at a friend's place during lunch, no plans for dinner and for the rest of the day, will see how it goes.

During the last couple of years, X'mas also means having a great break as my company has mandatory holiday till New Year. This year, for some reasons, I do not experience the same excitements or anticipations. On the other hand, I felt apprehension and anxiety, because I have nothing to show for myself since the year is ending and 2010 is approaching in 10 days. I'm worried because I haven't found a job and that I'm wasting away. I just feel uneasy and worried.

Anyhow, this is a lovely time for celebrations and joy and I always believe in the magic of Christmas and the lovely smell that the wind brings in at the end of the year.

I wish all of my friends a Merry Christmas and may peace and joy be with you all.

Reading List Jan-Nov 09

I can't believe I have read so many books this year, well,  I do have a lot of free time on my hands though. Although I have came across some reading blogs that have bloggers reading a whole lot more and I'm so impressed! 

New target for next year then. Gambette!

One great book to recommend: 

47. The Neighbor by Lisa Gardner

My 2 cents worth: "Great book. Twisted and disturbing, a part of character continuation from "Say Goodbye". I couldn't put it down and everything finally made sense in the end when you link the 2 books together."

59. Wings: more than 50 high flying recipes for America, Debbie Moose - CB

58. The Pearl Diver, Sujata Masey - R

57. The Floating Girl, Sujata Massey - R

56. The Flower Master, Sujata Massey - R

55. Zen Attitude, Sujata Massey - R

54. The Salaryman's Wife, Sujata Massey -R

53. Madness: A Biploar Life, Marya Hornbacher -Bio

52. The Omega-3 Connection, Andrew L Stoll MD - NF

51."The Perfect Christmas","Debbie Macomber"

50."Gabriel's Angel","Nora Roberts"

49."First Impressions: First Impressions\Blithe Images","Nora Roberts"

48."Divine Evil","Nora Roberts"

47."The Neighbor","Lisa Gardner"

46."Smash Cut","Sandra Brown"

44/45."Be My Valentine: My Funny Valentine\My Hero","Debbie Macomber"

42/43."Wyoming Brides: Denim and Diamonds\The Wyoming Kid","Debbie Macomber"

41."Sooner or Later LP","Debbie Macomber"

40."Homeport","Nora Roberts"

39."Practically Perfect","Katie Fforde"

37/38."Two Of A Kind: Impulse\The Best Mistake (Mira Hardbacks)","Nora Roberts"

36."Ghost Moon","Karen Robards",

35."Body Double (Jane Rizzoli, Book 4)","Tess Gerritsen"

34."Red Lily (In the Garden, Book 3)","Nora Roberts"

33."Black Rose: In the Garden Trilogy (In the Garden)","Nora Roberts"

32."Blue Dahlia(In the Garden, Book 1)","Nora Roberts"

31."Shanghai Girls: A Novel","Lisa See"

29/30."Married In Seattle: First Comes Marriage\Wanted: Perfect Partner","Debbie Macomber"

28."Poppy Done to Death: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery","Charlaine Harris"

27."The Apprentice (Jane Rizzoli, Book 2)","Tess Gerritsen"

26."Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden Mysteries, Book 1)","Charlaine Harris"

25."If You Live Like Me","Lori Weber"

24."Morning Comes Softly (Harper Monogram)","Debbie Macomber"

23."The Killing Hour","Lisa Gardner"

22."Hide","Lisa Gardner"

21."Looking for Peyton Place: A Novel","Barbara Delinsky"

20."Gone","Lisa Gardner"

19."Chesapeake Blue (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts"

18."Inner Harbor: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #3 (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts",

17."Rising Tides: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #2 (The Quinn Brothers Trilogy)","Nora Roberts",

16."Sea Swept: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #1 (Chesapeake Bay Mysteries)","Nora Roberts"

15."The Surgeon: A Novel","Tess Gerritsen"

14."Knit Two: A Friday Night Knitting Club Novel","Kate Jacobs"

13."The Friday Night Knitting Club","Kate Jacobs"

12."Key of Valor","Nora Roberts","0515136530"

11."Key of Knowledge","Nora Roberts"

10."Key of Light","Nora Roberts"

9. "Say Goodbye","Lisa Gardner"

8. "Blue Smoke and Murder","Elizabeth Lowell"

7. "Meet Me in Venice","Elizabeth Adler"

6. "Tribute","Nora Roberts"

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis" - NF

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Recharged and happy

I'm back from my short trip to Malacca. It was great! I had a fantastic time and I went a little crazy shopping and eating all the awesome food! We walked a lot and met plenty of kind & polite people there. I feel happy.

I'm feeling lazy today. Reading blogs and going to watch some TV later. Really need to have a job, need to get my butt up and work for passion, money.. whatever.. I have to. I can't survive too long on my savings and I need to get my brain working again.

Hope there're good job opportunities in the classified tomorrow.

road trip!

I'm not sleepy and I woke up at 5am yesterday morning after falling asleep at 1230am. wide eyed at 5am in the morning is not fun. I was willing myself to doze back to sleep or to get up and surf the net. Sleeps beckons.

Anyway, I will be calling it a night soon - there's simply too many things to do online! and going to sleep and hopefully be up at 745am. Going for a short trip with friends and please pray for me that nothing happen on the roads and during the trip. That all of us will be safe and sound.

Good night.

Butterfly Fly Away

I watched "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and I fell in love with a few songs and the energy. It's targeted for kids and I'm already moving on in my age, but it's fun and it's nice. Sometimes all you need are things that make you happy and chick flicks are one of them.

My granny and mum took care of me as a child and this song brought me back to 3 when I was a pesky toddler, to 7 when I started P1 and to 9, when I had to take my streaming exams in Primary school. I wished I had a dad to be part of this, but he died 1 month before I was born due to an accident. I think this song perfectly describes the relationship a little girl would like with her father, or what I would like to have. But I'm  thankful to my mum & granny for being there and I'm sad and crying because I miss what I couldn't have.

My heart hurts when I thought of them trying to get me into better school,  but were turned away by the elite school because of my single parent status. A kind sister interviewed and accepted me into a convent school and here I am. I've always wonder how I would be like if I ended up in a neighborhood school or an elite school. How would my health be like. Which way of the scale would I tip over? Be part of a gang? Or trying desperately trying to fit in the upper class like "Gossip Girls" and "The OC"?

It's now back to basic and I want to dedicate this song to my mum and granny for all those years.

Butterfly Fly Away

You tucked me in, turned out the light

Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair

Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana

"Hannah Montana: The movie"© WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY;

source

sleep! let me sleep!

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and  I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!

want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

To all my friends: Hang In there

To all my friends out there, thank you for your encouragement. I find this song fitting for all and I want to tell you all to hang on to anything, everything. Each shred of hope, light and belief. That we will get through the pain and never ending difficulties and disappointment, and though it may never be over... hanging on is all we have now.

Hang on -Plumb

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

i'm so stubborn, it's how i got here 
so alone, feels like forever 
wanna swim away 
and breath the open air 
I feel so afraid 
then I hear you say 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here 
I'm starving for what I hold so dear 
like a huricane 
takes everything 
from me, wake me from this dream 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go 

three days, thirty years 
so hopeless doesn't matter 
don't say it's too late 
if you blink your eyes 
the sun is rising 
the sun is rising 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

source