Merry Christmas!

I had a great lamb dinner with my family tonight. The food tasted really good and I was very happy.

I'm a little sad now. 

For once X'mas is over, what else would I have to look forward to? I'm lost and sad and my heart feels empty. But Christmas is meant to be filled with love and happiness and with lots of joy. I need to put this at the back of my head today and deal with it when X'mas is over.

For all  my friends,

Merry Christmas and may you spend the day with your friends and loved ones!

Take care,

Jessica

Anxiety

I'm in the midst of preparing to go out for dinner with my hubby and I can't believe how nervous I feel! 

It's the thought of 

- walking out of my door,

- walking 10 mins to the train station,

- another 20 mins of train ride with alot of strangers

- waiting for him at the shopping mall

There's nothing to be scared, but I am. Anxiety please go away and not let me trip.

Raindrops on my window and sunshine in the park

All is not gloom here really. I have lost my desire to blog since my mood is flat and I have been really tired.

Well, it's better to be depressed, teary and tired than depressed, agitated and not being able to sleep. My problem is really sleeping too much in the morning, I can't feel the motivation to wake up and face another day, yet I get anxious and scared when the night falls and I have to sleep and I'm afraid I can't sleep and I give in to Stilnox again. I'm relying too much on Stilnox and am trying to wean off it but I can't seems to do that. Do you have any idea how to?

On Mon, I will see my Dr again and I'm nervous. I don't think I'm any better or any worse, just the same really. I'm not better because I'm still not working and I'm just feeling the same. Being the same is sometimes for the best. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wish I can be well and normal. Well, it's just my fantasy.

It has been raining quite a bit here, that's how Dec is like. It's nice, the cool air and the smell that follows. The weather was glorious yesterday though, I went to the park and fed the turtles, fishes and swan. The laziness of it all just made me felt peaceful.

A parcel waiting to be collected

I'm feeling angry and depressed.

First thing first, I'm very upset over my friend whom I care about very much. She is in another country now and have been having a bad time, she's also the friend that I was mentioning about whom had depression but had believed that she is cured and unlike me, not on any medications. Anyway, she was down for awhile and we have been emailing and calling each other. I have sent her a couple of encouraging stuffs through mails and last week, in an attempt to cheer her up, I asked my family for a favour to bring something over last Tues. (to save on shipping fees as I'm quite broke) 

It has been a week and she have not collected it. She knows my family and we have spoken over the phone and my family knows that she will come over, but she hasn't. I don't understand. Why can't she go over and collect it? She told me the place is not far from where she lives, she drives and she can pop in over the weekend. I'm just very angry. I feel not appreciated and I find her selfish selfish and more selfish!!!

Ok, I may be over reacting but I'm really depressed and sad. I know when you do something for another person and you did it willingly, you can't expect anything in return. But I feel neglected and I find her selfish. Maybe she doesn't know I'm down since I'm able to be so contained most of the time. I'm always contained, I internalised my feelings and I'm ashamed of showing my weakness.

She on the other hand, always manages to get people eating out of her hands. And I'm not saying she's wrong, since somehow over the oceans, I can sensed something is not right. Bu why won't anyone care for me? Like giving me a card, giving me presents or something??

I think I'm jealous of her. She lives in another country, lives in a big house, drives, has a finance that just brings her and buys her whatever she wants. They are getting married soon. She talks about wanting lots of kids. 

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Or, deep down, I feel jealous because she is not on meds? Not seeing a Dr and somehow things always works out in her favour? Comparison is bad I know... but I feel like a failure. A big fat failure.

I live in small house, I can't drive but I know my hubby loves me in his way and I'm grateful for him in every way. But I want perfection.  And this feeling is eating me and I need some air. I hate how I'm feeling but I need to write this down so badly. That she is selfish. That I am lonely, that I wish I can receive some concern from her. That she could just go pick up the parcel and open it, and appreciate it.

Lazy afternoon and a lazy me

I'm feeling ok. Thinks that my recent moods is due to my period coming. I feel really bloated and heavy and I ache everywhere. It's delayed and I hate the feeling.

Anyway, last week was quite a quiet week at home. I spent the week reading and lazing around, only going to Ikea on Friday for some storage boxes. I removed stuffs form the cupboards, wiped it down and repacked everything.

This week I am very busy running errands and hanging out with my hubby who is on leave. We rushed around getting stuffs for his parents who are visiting his brother in Australia, drank coffee during lazy afternoons and hung out in shopping malls and searching supermarkets for good buys. We are thinking of going out for a walk later.

++++

I realised that most of my anxiety and stress came from having to work. I have an innate need to be in control of everything, and I fear the unknown. I had a couple of bad dreams last week, from being covered in blood to being bullied and to crying out in my sleep and waking up in tears. The dreams only started after I received the call from my ex company. I haven't prepared my cover letter and CV to submit. I feel stressed thinking of having to work and fearing. But I also feel stressed over not working as money is getting tight. People are losing jobs everyday, companies downsizing and retrenchment is in vogue now. I'm just scared.

Things will work out somehow, just that I wish I can do somehting about it faster.

My reflection of hatred

I'm having a bout of self doubt and insecurity. I have seen my friends picture in FB. She's skinny and pretty. I feel fat, ugly and urgh! I look at my face and I feel angry and hate myself. I wish I can thinner and just look better. 

I guess what I have alot of insecurities since young and that is what creates this life long relationship with medication and my Dr. I guess I'm ok, average looking and when I'm good, I think I look good in almost anything.. guess that when you feel good, you look good. But today, now.. I just look ugly! Maybe it's because I'm going to have my period in a month's time, i feel bloated and heavy and frumpy and fat.

I have a friend who is sick, from a physical illness and she looks skinny because well, she lost weight due to her illness and she has always been small built. And with my friend whose picture I have seen in FB, she has depression (not seeing any Dr or on medication now) and she is skinny. I know I'm obsessing with skinny right now but I have always wanted to be skinny. I used to be skinny, not very skinny but skinnier with nice collarbone and a nicer cheekbone.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I slept alot and I was nice and skinny. My hubby saw me then (we were friends but didn't meet up for a year or so) and he said I look like a POW. How I wish I could go back then and look like a mad, skinny girl. Then I was on Zoloft. Somehow, it ceased to work.... I stopped med for awhile, and when I visited my current Dr, he put me on Risperidal. I ballooned! I just ate and ate and was always cravng for unhealthy food. I took my weight and body type for granted and I didn't notice till about 5 mths later when I went back to work. I hadn't work for 5 mths and I had to get pants for work, I realised I couldn't fit into anything old.. all my old jeans. I'm disgusting! I have been living in ratty shorts and huge tee and I felt normal at home without actually hanging out with people.

Now, whenever my Dr suggest a change of med because the current med doesn't seems to work, I resist. I'm superficial. I told my Dr, I do not want to be  fat, I do not want to gain weight. I'd rather be depressed and skinny than be fat and depressed.

I'm a superficial being but I just hate myself. Hate what I see. If only I can be prettier, skinnier and smarter. If only I can be anyone but myself.

Going back to work?

I received a call this morning from my previous company which I have left 3 mths ago. It's the same position but it's at a different department.

The lady spoke to me before I left, they were planning to create this position but were waiting for management approval. I haven't really thought much about it since I left and I supposed they wouldn't call me since it has been awhile..

Anyhow, I'm in 2 minds about it. I'm worried about going back to a company I have worked in for such a short while, afraid that I can't cope... yet.. times are bad now. I need to start looking for a job to get money for my meds since I'm in private healthcare and it's not subsidised.

Why do I have to be sick? The amount I spent this year alone can be used for a good holiday!