I guess what I have alot of insecurities since young and that is what creates this life long relationship with medication and my Dr. I guess I'm ok, average looking and when I'm good, I think I look good in almost anything.. guess that when you feel good, you look good. But today, now.. I just look ugly! Maybe it's because I'm going to have my period in a month's time, i feel bloated and heavy and frumpy and fat.
I have a friend who is sick, from a physical illness and she looks skinny because well, she lost weight due to her illness and she has always been small built. And with my friend whose picture I have seen in FB, she has depression (not seeing any Dr or on medication now) and she is skinny. I know I'm obsessing with skinny right now but I have always wanted to be skinny. I used to be skinny, not very skinny but skinnier with nice collarbone and a nicer cheekbone.
When I was first diagnosed with depression, I slept alot and I was nice and skinny. My hubby saw me then (we were friends but didn't meet up for a year or so) and he said I look like a POW. How I wish I could go back then and look like a mad, skinny girl. Then I was on Zoloft. Somehow, it ceased to work.... I stopped med for awhile, and when I visited my current Dr, he put me on Risperidal. I ballooned! I just ate and ate and was always cravng for unhealthy food. I took my weight and body type for granted and I didn't notice till about 5 mths later when I went back to work. I hadn't work for 5 mths and I had to get pants for work, I realised I couldn't fit into anything old.. all my old jeans. I'm disgusting! I have been living in ratty shorts and huge tee and I felt normal at home without actually hanging out with people.
Now, whenever my Dr suggest a change of med because the current med doesn't seems to work, I resist. I'm superficial. I told my Dr, I do not want to be fat, I do not want to gain weight. I'd rather be depressed and skinny than be fat and depressed.
I'm a superficial being but I just hate myself. Hate what I see. If only I can be prettier, skinnier and smarter. If only I can be anyone but myself.
1 comment:
ah hun,
I think that when we are ill it distorts the way we see ourselves so that even if we looked great we would think we were the ugliest thing on earth, self confidence and all that. I have these thoughts too and I think most of us do. Try not to be hard on yourself and maybe avoid FB - I do.
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