I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

I must clarify that I only visit  the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me  sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't.  I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no. 

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me. 

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

colours and fly into another world

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and  need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.

My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Too soon to crash

I'm feeling so anxious that I'm actually shaking. How can i go through this again?

My heart is pounding and my chest hurts. 

I know with every ups will be a crashing down. But I can't cope with this. Would people be talking about me behind my back? How can I face their looks tomorrow. Would they gossip about me not being at work since I started only 6 weeks ago? 6 weeks but it felt so long. It's too soon but I feel the burnout and stress creeping out. Would I be ask to go?

Reading list Mar 09

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis"

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Strong virus

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine. 

This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

flu and upsets

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.

This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. 

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself. 

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by. 

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.

I need a purpose to get up each day.

Please ignore me, I'm new

I stayed home today because I felt rather sick. Both physical and mental.

My legs were very weak and i felt giddy when I stood up. I couldn't fight to go to work and I knew part of it is due to my moods.

I distracted  myself with the internet for the last 3 hours and even though I felt sleepy after taking the painkillers and stemetil and prednisolone and flu tablets, I couldn't sleep. Like my mind is suddenly on alert and my body is in the land of the weak and depressed. 

I'm actually happy at home. I hate going out to work and pretend to be proactive and interested for 9 hours, and yes.. to socialized. Arragh. It's tough. I'm bored at work but I didn't ask for too much to do because I'm scared I couldn't cope with the stress, but I'm stressed when people kept saying "this is no problem for you, you have done it before" because I can't really remember much of what I do! Then there is the "don't try too hard, otherwise people may gossip that you are trying to outshine them" thoughts. 

I have been keeping to the "Please ignore me, I'm new" thoughts. My mind is fogged and not alert and I'm afraid of looking stupid.

I'm also afraid that people will talk about me since I'm sick after 3 weeks at work and I'm nervous and worried. I feel nervous about going to work and I have to pretend again.

I'm scared.

Stopped trying today

I didn't go to work today because I couldn't get out of bed.  I stopped trying, I stopped fighting with myself. 

Now I feel like crap.

Anyhow, work went on quite well last 2 weeks and I was pleased with myself. But the bubble burst and I felt the world closing on me again. I found out that someone at work who wasn't very friendly with me had cancer and went for an operation last week. I visited her and I felt so sad to see her in pain. She is only 27, young and looking set to explore the world. She kept asking "why me?"....

why me?

This question has been on my lips, in my mind. I can understand how she feel but I can't reach out to her. I don't know her and I can't tell. Mental illness is very different from cancer. Both are illness but one get looked down on and the other gets support. 

I had the worst period last week. I was in so much pain and my pain is everywhere. Physical, mental and emotional. I want to give up. My heart feels like it's being clenched and the air is sucked out of me. I want to cry, but the tears dries up after a few drops. 

I feel horrible and I want to give up. I feel bad for having such thoughts ... but the dullness and aching is eating me.

I'm going to take my medication and hope this will  go away soon. I can't wish for much, just that things will be in control.

work so far

I have started work last week and it went very well! My mood was very good. I was motivated, enthusiastic and participative. I spent the 1st 4 days doing orientation with all departments newbies and only entered my department last Friday for real work.

It takes so much effort to be happy, I tried not to think so much, to tell myself to take things easy so as not to overload and overwork. But the tiredness and thoughts started to creep in this morning. My internal anxieties and the need to excel and compete is pushing through. And I wish I could go back to bed and not work again. How confusing. I wish I do not have to work yet I like what I'm doing so far. I have alot of things to read and learn.

I aim to concentrate solely for the 9.5 hrs at work (830 to 6pm) and leave promptly to return and be with myself, to do the things I want. Even if it means gazing at the ceiling. I need to be better. I fear the crash. It could be worse since I was really happy. I must listen to my body.