Appreciating the sky after a long day of rain

 Taken last Monday on the way home from my haircut.

depressed agian

I didn't have to work these 2 days and the weekend will be here tomorrow. I slept quite a bit yesterday but woke up early today.

I have been feeling depressed again today. Just felt so lost, unloved and lonely.. no idea what triggered it. Maybe I could have suppressed my emotions too much last week because I didn't want to think or feel anything. 

I can't breathe easily and the hole is back and I get teary for no reasons. 

I was on FB and I saw pictures of my friend's daughter and I feel like I'm missing something... that I could never be a mother and that is such a wonderful experience.

I'm gonna go watch my shows that I have recorded and never had the time to watch. Maybe TV will make me feel better.

And I will have to make a trip to the clinic to get my meds- must do so next week latest!

cuppa coffee

I was having training for the last 7 days, busy organising and ensuring that everything runs smoothly for sites visits. Had to put on multiple hats of public relations, personal assistant and event manager... I had fun, but was very tired at the end of each day that all I wanted to do is crawl in bed and sleep.

I love the coffee provided by the hotel, get a good caffeine kick at the start of each morning.

Night terror

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

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Need to rest

I've decided that I need a break (official) as I have working late far too often. I ended work yesterday at 530pm (suppose to work till 2pm - excluding lunch) and I was very tired. Anyway, I gave some thoughts about my working hours and decided that this is not conducive to my health and since I have been working late everyday and I can't seems to leave on time because there's too much work and everything seems to be on a deadline, I decided to take today off. And yes, if I work 5 hours tomorrow and on Friday, I would have still exceeded my 25hrs/week... since I worked extra 4 hrs last week... so this never ends really.

so, I would really love to complete my necessary tasks tomorrow and leave say 1.30pm?

worth a thought. My hubby and friends say, just shut down and leave on time, yet I can't seem to and I know it's my rights but I feel kinda bad. (see, how I just ask for trouble and stress... sigh...)

I had a good rest today, it rained and was cool. But I'm still so tired! I read a bit and watched many episodes of 90210 which I have recorded. Mood wise, not too good, but manageable. 

Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

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Tree Veins

Walking alone on the pavement towards the library, I heard the sounds of bird chirping and I looked up. Beautiful veins, beautiful skies.

... If only it wasn't so humid.

Just for a day?

Nothing beats a cold cold shower after a hot day. 4 days of work can be mentally exhausting, especially since I haven't work for 6 months. Though I'm a casual worker, not full time, I do feel the stress but I enjoy the work.

I had a bad dream last night and I woke up crying. I'm just feeling tired and coping with my emotions and thoughts. Thank goodness it's Friday tomorrow... maybe a day of brooding and letting my thoughts run may help, but I can't let it wander too far and have to rein it in before it takes over.

Good night.

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