Down by the water

I'm sorry for not posting. I have been getting by and going to work and surrounding myself with happy pretty things. But when night falls, I'm surrounded by loneliness and tears and bad dreams and restless sleep. 

Nothing really did trigger this, but this is the life I have grown accustomed to.

I will try to take pictures instead to mark the moment, for words just don't seems logical to me. And my emotions.. it's just difficult to pen it into words.

Heard this song by The Drums and the melancholy tinge to it just sums up my mood right now.

please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 

But I turn them off and tuck them away 

'till these rainy days that make them stay 

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday 

And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 

So please understand if I dont answer the phone 

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 

Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

source

Butterfly Fly Away

I watched "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and I fell in love with a few songs and the energy. It's targeted for kids and I'm already moving on in my age, but it's fun and it's nice. Sometimes all you need are things that make you happy and chick flicks are one of them.

My granny and mum took care of me as a child and this song brought me back to 3 when I was a pesky toddler, to 7 when I started P1 and to 9, when I had to take my streaming exams in Primary school. I wished I had a dad to be part of this, but he died 1 month before I was born due to an accident. I think this song perfectly describes the relationship a little girl would like with her father, or what I would like to have. But I'm  thankful to my mum & granny for being there and I'm sad and crying because I miss what I couldn't have.

My heart hurts when I thought of them trying to get me into better school,  but were turned away by the elite school because of my single parent status. A kind sister interviewed and accepted me into a convent school and here I am. I've always wonder how I would be like if I ended up in a neighborhood school or an elite school. How would my health be like. Which way of the scale would I tip over? Be part of a gang? Or trying desperately trying to fit in the upper class like "Gossip Girls" and "The OC"?

It's now back to basic and I want to dedicate this song to my mum and granny for all those years.

Butterfly Fly Away

You tucked me in, turned out the light

Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair

Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana

"Hannah Montana: The movie"© WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY;

source

To all my friends: Hang In there

To all my friends out there, thank you for your encouragement. I find this song fitting for all and I want to tell you all to hang on to anything, everything. Each shred of hope, light and belief. That we will get through the pain and never ending difficulties and disappointment, and though it may never be over... hanging on is all we have now.

Hang on -Plumb

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

i'm so stubborn, it's how i got here 
so alone, feels like forever 
wanna swim away 
and breath the open air 
I feel so afraid 
then I hear you say 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 

I'm so hungry, how can I stay here 
I'm starving for what I hold so dear 
like a huricane 
takes everything 
from me, wake me from this dream 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go 

three days, thirty years 
so hopeless doesn't matter 
don't say it's too late 
if you blink your eyes 
the sun is rising 
the sun is rising 

hang on when the water is rising 
hang on when the waves are crashing 
hang on just don't ever let go 
hang on when you are barely breathing 
hang on when your hearts still beating 
hang on just don't ever let go

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

source

I can't wash it away!

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised,  I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

source

Silence Please

I don't feel good. Bothe physically and mentally.

My head is spinning thoughts. I can't stop, I can't silence it. I was ok yesterday, the day before. I was even a little hyper, organising my CDs, DVDs collection and listing it all out on my hub's advice because I couldn't find the CDs I want when I want to. And all the CDs and VCDs brings back memories. I have only list out a drawer on paper and I'm tired.

I walked in and out. I read, stop. watched TV. stop. started another book. stop.

Started Madness: A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. I was fearful even as a child. Was that when it all started for me? I think so, but I can't really remember. 

If you leave

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.