yup, I'm depressed again...

Haven't been work for 3 days. Mood = low. Back (mid spine) = hurts.

Thoughts of killing myself have surfaced and getting panicky over thoughts of going back to work tomorrow.

Thoughts = can't control. tired of it all. hope to sleep and forget and want to cry. Sooo tired..

Broke down and cried

I finally cried after so many months, the heartfelt deep wrenching kind. But I don't feel any better. I used to feel better when I cried but it doesn't seems to help very much this time.

It has been eating me for many weeks and I just keep rationalising how I feel, how I should feel and what not to feel, where not to go. How not to venture deep into that dark place in my mind. And it's always here, never really gone, waiting patiently to take over, to remind me that I'm just not normal... That I can pretend or think that I'm attractive & smart, but only it knows how ugly I really am. That beneath this smart, confident & competent exterior, I'm actually a complete wreck.

That I need another man's compliment when I have my husband's. That I'm flattered by attention and I let my vanity and ego rule. Was I maniac or I'm just being human? I did nt do anything wrong but would I if I did nt exercise control? I let someone messed with my mind and being messed up enough this brain of mine... I am in utter confusion by everything that had happened.

The boy I mentioned last week told me that he's afraid he will fall for me and thus nt want to mt me. That's ok, I'm flattered and I think less contact means less temptations and less chance I would do anything morally wrong. That was Wednesday. I couldn't sleep well. Last night he MSG some stuffs to me and the last MSG came at 2.30am! That woke me up and I couldn't sleep.

I was angry for being disturbed. And my mind is all messed up bcos of lack of sleep for 2 days.

Why would he want to play with my mind? Why did I allow it? I keep telling myself nt to get involved with new people and stay away from human relationships. Even at work I try to stay a distance.

Anyway, it's back and I dunno how to control it. I know it was here all along, waiting for the right moment to attack.

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my current mood & non-committal people

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't  seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

Night terror

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

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Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

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Mood dipped and ANTM dark shots

After all my enthusiasms and motivation and being on the ball, my mood dipped today and now I feel that there's a stone wedge in my heart. I feel lousy, depressed and want to cry. I feel miserable and I can't breathe.

My heart is heavy. And it hurts and it keeps me down.

On another note, I wanted to blog about this yesterday... I watched America Next Top Model 13 on Thursday and these pictures strike me.

Erin- Distressed, in pain, vulnerable, torturous, rejected and lonely

A judge mentioned that she is like an alien, I find her a misfit and in distress.

Nicole- Sensual and mesmerizing. Like a fairy in the unknown. Mysterious.

The photos taken were great. Like an art work. Gorgeous.

And my pain and misery continue to leach my essence and my head pound and cries. Possibly my PMS and nothing else, but if the monster is back, please don't take it all, have a little mercy. Please, just leave it.... hear my cries....

March has been a fearful month for me and since last year, April too. I'm worried and I'm so scared that it will happen again and I just want to cry my tears of fear.

trapped

I feel trapped by life, by expectations again. I cannot breathe. I may faint again and get another zap. I dun feel good. I want to scream & cry & pray. My head hurts and I can't breathe.

Maybe if I can sleep....then I will deal with it again.

I want to die if I can't sleep

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 

But I turn them off and tuck them away 

'till these rainy days that make them stay 

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday 

And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 

So please understand if I dont answer the phone 

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 

Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

source

sleep! let me sleep!

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and  I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!

want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

source

I can't wash it away!

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised,  I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

source

I forget how it was like to dream...

lost all will to live, i'm just staying alive... just breathing, just getting through each day.

recently gone down to a low low, haven't reach this point in a very long time, kept crying, felt literally empty and the place where my heart is was just a huge gaping hole that doesn't hurt, just empty, just void, just a space where the heart used to be.

fear smells bitter, throat constricted, breathing laboured.

trying to reach above again, trying to hold on to reality.

i can smell my past, can be transported to another world, another time.

the lines are blurring, i forget reality. the real world is too loud.

but i'm so tired. i just want to sleep and escape. but the dreams are not helping.

will be fine. i hope.

source

The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

This made yesterday easier to bear

I was still feeling down but forced myself to work yesterday. I had to. My colleague is on leave and I have to cover her study. I am a research coordinator and this involves meeting and talking to alot of people and it's hard when you are depressed but you have to put on a front and just do it. It was a very tiring day yesterday and I went home beat.

Back to the morning, while I was dragging my feet up the stairs to the bus stop, I saw this tiger cat sleeping in such an adorable way. I went closer and took out my phone and it woke up and looked at me, and upon realizing that all I want is a picture, it promptly covered its eyes! This made me smile and I felt slightly better that I can get on with the day. 

Work was tiring and I got snapped at. I went home and I cried, the dam broke and my tears couldn't stop. I woke up puffy eyed and a very dazed Jessica.

Anyway I had a training course today and it ended early. I reached home at 5pm and at 520 saw that I've a missed call at 511. I called back and the Dr asked if I'm still around to see a patient to explain regarding the research. I told her I've left. I felt guilty that I left and I'm worried if she will think the worst of me. She said never mind, can see next week. But the conflicting thought is it's already 520pm and today we end work at 530pm It's Friday after all. I hate holding work phone.

I must stop learning to be guilty and get upset over such matters. Who are they to judge? If  I can do my work that all that matters. But what happen if I can't work well? I'm fearful.

Anyway I'm home and the weekend is here. I'm feeling very fearful and teary and my heart seems to be pounding in a hollow space. I can hear it go "thud thud thud".

I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

I must clarify that I only visit  the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me  sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't.  I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no. 

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me. 

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

Strong virus

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine. 

This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

Beautiful sadness

I feel so tired and heavy. I was looking through my written notes and I saw this entry I wrote in Oct. Why do I kid myself that it would go away, it never leaves permanently, it will always linger and medications can only do so much.

This picture speaks to me when I saw it in a mag.. It's so lonely, so isolated. Despair has never looked so beautiful, so enticing anywhere.

I need to write this moment of sadness down. It's a beautiful sadness, the sad lonely, heart wrenching emptiness is in a fleeting moment so beautiful.

Last night, I took an hour to fall asleep and whilst lying in bed... I was thinking how tired I am, and how I could just stop it.. I wonder which way is easier, less painful.. or I could let myself suffer in the process since I probably deserves it.. I hate not being able to fall asleep.. I hate how my hubby could just sleep like that. I hate my life but I love my life.

Naked and scared

Cr Created: 21/11/08 10:56 PM

(Typed this on Friday night when I got home. I did not have access to the internet, therefore recorded this on a word doc as soon as I can)

I just got home. Went out for dinner with 2 very old friends since my school days. One of them is a mother and another 3 months pregnant. They were talking about pregnancy and having kids. I felt disconnected from them, it’s as though pregnancy will never happen to me. I feel that I will never be a mother and I can’t be a mother.  I have read about how to cope with being pregnant and how having BD does not equate to not having children and I have discussed it with my Dr and he will support and ensure my safety and well being if I do get pregnant.. but I don’t know anymore. I’m confused.

 

Well. the point why I need to get this off my mind… we were talking about getting pregnant and discussing about our fears and I told them I’m on meds and I need it to get my moods stabilized. I have never really talked about this to my friends in recent years and  I just spoke about it and now I feel scared, fearful, weird and worried. It’s disconcerting.

 

I don’t think that they will judge me but when I was 23 and newly diagnosed after attempting suicide, I was lost, in denial and very afraid. I was hanging out with a group of friends who  I am now no longer in contact with. When I was initially diagnosed, I was really scared and I just keep talking about my moods, how I feel and all, but they slowly grew distant from me, ostracizing me and they finally told me they can’t cope with me. Even my then bf was avoiding me and I broke up with him. He fact is I grew to cope with my illness and I accepted that it’s part of me.. I have learnt to recognized my moods and learnt how to cope with it. I learnt to internalized it (well not really.. but I learnt who to talked abut it to) and I learnt who to trust and who to call for help. I can handle it.

 

Now, I feel vulnerable, exposed. I feel weird. I am not comfortable with how I’m feeling now. I just can’t trust people again, even though they are my closest friends. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel naked.

i want to die

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight