yup, I'm depressed again...

Haven't been work for 3 days. Mood = low. Back (mid spine) = hurts.

Thoughts of killing myself have surfaced and getting panicky over thoughts of going back to work tomorrow.

Thoughts = can't control. tired of it all. hope to sleep and forget and want to cry. Sooo tired..

Night terror

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

Sent from my iPhone

New Email names for you!
Get the Email name you've always wanted on the new @ymail and @rocketmail.
Hurry before someone else does!
http://mail.promotions.yahoo.com/newdomains/sg/

I want to die if I can't sleep

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

sleep! let me sleep!

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and  I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!

want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

Beautiful sadness

I feel so tired and heavy. I was looking through my written notes and I saw this entry I wrote in Oct. Why do I kid myself that it would go away, it never leaves permanently, it will always linger and medications can only do so much.

This picture speaks to me when I saw it in a mag.. It's so lonely, so isolated. Despair has never looked so beautiful, so enticing anywhere.

I need to write this moment of sadness down. It's a beautiful sadness, the sad lonely, heart wrenching emptiness is in a fleeting moment so beautiful.

Last night, I took an hour to fall asleep and whilst lying in bed... I was thinking how tired I am, and how I could just stop it.. I wonder which way is easier, less painful.. or I could let myself suffer in the process since I probably deserves it.. I hate not being able to fall asleep.. I hate how my hubby could just sleep like that. I hate my life but I love my life.

i want to die

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight