I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Recharged and happy

I'm back from my short trip to Malacca. It was great! I had a fantastic time and I went a little crazy shopping and eating all the awesome food! We walked a lot and met plenty of kind & polite people there. I feel happy.

I'm feeling lazy today. Reading blogs and going to watch some TV later. Really need to have a job, need to get my butt up and work for passion, money.. whatever.. I have to. I can't survive too long on my savings and I need to get my brain working again.

Hope there're good job opportunities in the classified tomorrow.

Lazy afternoon and a lazy me

I'm feeling ok. Thinks that my recent moods is due to my period coming. I feel really bloated and heavy and I ache everywhere. It's delayed and I hate the feeling.

Anyway, last week was quite a quiet week at home. I spent the week reading and lazing around, only going to Ikea on Friday for some storage boxes. I removed stuffs form the cupboards, wiped it down and repacked everything.

This week I am very busy running errands and hanging out with my hubby who is on leave. We rushed around getting stuffs for his parents who are visiting his brother in Australia, drank coffee during lazy afternoons and hung out in shopping malls and searching supermarkets for good buys. We are thinking of going out for a walk later.

++++

I realised that most of my anxiety and stress came from having to work. I have an innate need to be in control of everything, and I fear the unknown. I had a couple of bad dreams last week, from being covered in blood to being bullied and to crying out in my sleep and waking up in tears. The dreams only started after I received the call from my ex company. I haven't prepared my cover letter and CV to submit. I feel stressed thinking of having to work and fearing. But I also feel stressed over not working as money is getting tight. People are losing jobs everyday, companies downsizing and retrenchment is in vogue now. I'm just scared.

Things will work out somehow, just that I wish I can do somehting about it faster.

one week has passed...

oh my gosh, a week has just passed so quickly! Let me o a quick recap to remind myself what have I done for the week.

it has been fairly good. almost an 8. I have been out everyday, spoke to strangers, spent alot of money and been pretty active. What worries me is that being happy and such may eventually spiral downwards and I may feel low soon. see, I haven't been going out much for the last months, in fact, I desperately refused to go out and not take calls from friends. I was afraid that they would ask me out and I wouldn't know how to reject them. so yes, I was home bound and I spent my days on the computer and watching TV.

But I have been fairly active the last 4 days, in fact, I took the initiative to ask my mum and friends out!

Ok, let's see....

Monday

Met up with friend and her baby, spent the day playing with the baby, shopping and lots of chatting and walking. 

mood: good, relax +8

Tuesday

Out shopping with mum, collected my medications from the clinic, bought more stuffs. spoke to strangers and discussed about lipsticks.

was really happy and senses all high as I drank my latte. It was simply wonderful.. the whipped cream just taste so heavenly as it melted into the latte.

mood: happy, excited +8

Wednesday

It was raining, but I thought the dark stormy clouds were beautiful as it looms above the train station. went out with mum again, bought shoes and did some grocery shopping.

mood: was a little tired. ok but got a little irritated later in the day as the crowd and noise level grew. +7

Thursday

went out at 430pm, had coffee at Starbucks with Y. loved the x'mas drinks that they are having. 

spotted some cats, took pictures of ourselves and cats. Reached home at 7.

mood: ok +7