A slice of cake, a slice of happiness?

I have bee having highs and lows. Nothing too drastic but noticeable to myself. can't really explain how I'm feeling.. one moment confident, another low and hating myself for everything.

Can't seems to learn my lessons in courting troubles. People will get bored of me so will I of others and myself. I can feel myself changing my mind and thoughts very often. I need to get the stability going in me, the lack of unwanted attention and troubles and I should be thankful of the goodness in my life and not itching to jeopardize it when things are going well.

My Dr ever told me that I like to do things to jeopardize my happiness or when everything seems to be going smoothly. Maybe there's still a part of me that feels I shouldn't be happy...

Anyway, recognising it is the first step for anything.

Bought a nice strawberry chestnut cake after work today and had it with a cold cup of coffee.

Hope you are well too.

my current mood & non-committal people

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't  seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

Tree Veins

Walking alone on the pavement towards the library, I heard the sounds of bird chirping and I looked up. Beautiful veins, beautiful skies.

... If only it wasn't so humid.

Just for a day?

Nothing beats a cold cold shower after a hot day. 4 days of work can be mentally exhausting, especially since I haven't work for 6 months. Though I'm a casual worker, not full time, I do feel the stress but I enjoy the work.

I had a bad dream last night and I woke up crying. I'm just feeling tired and coping with my emotions and thoughts. Thank goodness it's Friday tomorrow... maybe a day of brooding and letting my thoughts run may help, but I can't let it wander too far and have to rein it in before it takes over.

Good night.

Sent from my iPhone

Sleepy afternoon

I'm feeling better though still feels giddy on & off. The runny nose has stopped though I still feel tired and sluggish.

Had a great time catching up with H, an old friend who has moved away. The time spent together was great, just shopping, chatting and laughing. I hope to meet her again next week before she leaves if she has the time. It's a blessing to find friends you are comfortable to be around, who understands you and not judge you.

I'm thinking of going shopping as there are some discounts in town. But the wind keeps blowing into my room and it's making me sleepy. But I'm not suppose to sleep anymore...I slept for almost 12 hours last night! I woke up close to 1 pm and I'm still tired, wonder if it's because of the flu I had.

Brittany Murphy dead? Can't be.

I can't believe that she's dead! I just watched "Ramen Girl" a couple of weeks ago, not to mention "Girl, Interrupted".

People don't die at 32 from cardiac arrest. It's too sudden.

Brittany Murphy, 32, dies mysteriously in her Los Angeles home

Actress Brittany Murphy dead at 32

Christmas lights at home

Toffe Nut Latte - my favourite Christmas drink since 2006.

Starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might.

My Christmas lights at home

Say "Hello" to my snowman at my door!

It's 4 more days to Christmas! Will be having a X'mas party at a friend's place during lunch, no plans for dinner and for the rest of the day, will see how it goes.

During the last couple of years, X'mas also means having a great break as my company has mandatory holiday till New Year. This year, for some reasons, I do not experience the same excitements or anticipations. On the other hand, I felt apprehension and anxiety, because I have nothing to show for myself since the year is ending and 2010 is approaching in 10 days. I'm worried because I haven't found a job and that I'm wasting away. I just feel uneasy and worried.

Anyhow, this is a lovely time for celebrations and joy and I always believe in the magic of Christmas and the lovely smell that the wind brings in at the end of the year.

I wish all of my friends a Merry Christmas and may peace and joy be with you all.

road trip!

I'm not sleepy and I woke up at 5am yesterday morning after falling asleep at 1230am. wide eyed at 5am in the morning is not fun. I was willing myself to doze back to sleep or to get up and surf the net. Sleeps beckons.

Anyway, I will be calling it a night soon - there's simply too many things to do online! and going to sleep and hopefully be up at 745am. Going for a short trip with friends and please pray for me that nothing happen on the roads and during the trip. That all of us will be safe and sound.

Good night.

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master  the language soon.

If you leave

I have bought myself a lot of stuffs last week. CDs, books and I have been feeling nostalgic over the 80s music.

Something I have been listening over and over again.

Beautiful sunset skies

colours and fly into another world

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and  need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.

My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Merry Christmas!

I had a great lamb dinner with my family tonight. The food tasted really good and I was very happy.

I'm a little sad now. 

For once X'mas is over, what else would I have to look forward to? I'm lost and sad and my heart feels empty. But Christmas is meant to be filled with love and happiness and with lots of joy. I need to put this at the back of my head today and deal with it when X'mas is over.

For all  my friends,

Merry Christmas and may you spend the day with your friends and loved ones!

Take care,

Jessica

Anxiety

I'm in the midst of preparing to go out for dinner with my hubby and I can't believe how nervous I feel! 

It's the thought of 

- walking out of my door,

- walking 10 mins to the train station,

- another 20 mins of train ride with alot of strangers

- waiting for him at the shopping mall

There's nothing to be scared, but I am. Anxiety please go away and not let me trip.

Raindrops on my window and sunshine in the park

All is not gloom here really. I have lost my desire to blog since my mood is flat and I have been really tired.

Well, it's better to be depressed, teary and tired than depressed, agitated and not being able to sleep. My problem is really sleeping too much in the morning, I can't feel the motivation to wake up and face another day, yet I get anxious and scared when the night falls and I have to sleep and I'm afraid I can't sleep and I give in to Stilnox again. I'm relying too much on Stilnox and am trying to wean off it but I can't seems to do that. Do you have any idea how to?

On Mon, I will see my Dr again and I'm nervous. I don't think I'm any better or any worse, just the same really. I'm not better because I'm still not working and I'm just feeling the same. Being the same is sometimes for the best. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wish I can be well and normal. Well, it's just my fantasy.

It has been raining quite a bit here, that's how Dec is like. It's nice, the cool air and the smell that follows. The weather was glorious yesterday though, I went to the park and fed the turtles, fishes and swan. The laziness of it all just made me felt peaceful.

Lazy afternoon and a lazy me

I'm feeling ok. Thinks that my recent moods is due to my period coming. I feel really bloated and heavy and I ache everywhere. It's delayed and I hate the feeling.

Anyway, last week was quite a quiet week at home. I spent the week reading and lazing around, only going to Ikea on Friday for some storage boxes. I removed stuffs form the cupboards, wiped it down and repacked everything.

This week I am very busy running errands and hanging out with my hubby who is on leave. We rushed around getting stuffs for his parents who are visiting his brother in Australia, drank coffee during lazy afternoons and hung out in shopping malls and searching supermarkets for good buys. We are thinking of going out for a walk later.

++++

I realised that most of my anxiety and stress came from having to work. I have an innate need to be in control of everything, and I fear the unknown. I had a couple of bad dreams last week, from being covered in blood to being bullied and to crying out in my sleep and waking up in tears. The dreams only started after I received the call from my ex company. I haven't prepared my cover letter and CV to submit. I feel stressed thinking of having to work and fearing. But I also feel stressed over not working as money is getting tight. People are losing jobs everyday, companies downsizing and retrenchment is in vogue now. I'm just scared.

Things will work out somehow, just that I wish I can do somehting about it faster.

Going back to work?

I received a call this morning from my previous company which I have left 3 mths ago. It's the same position but it's at a different department.

The lady spoke to me before I left, they were planning to create this position but were waiting for management approval. I haven't really thought much about it since I left and I supposed they wouldn't call me since it has been awhile..

Anyhow, I'm in 2 minds about it. I'm worried about going back to a company I have worked in for such a short while, afraid that I can't cope... yet.. times are bad now. I need to start looking for a job to get money for my meds since I'm in private healthcare and it's not subsidised.

Why do I have to be sick? The amount I spent this year alone can be used for a good holiday!

 

News

There have been a lot of terror in the news lately.

I feel sad about the pain they felt, the lives that have lost and particularly this young lady who died just because she was in the wrong place.

It's sad when you have no control

Feeling sick

I had a haircut today. Got frustrated at looking at my messy hair in the mirror.

All was well but I feel sluggish and tired. I went home soon after the haircut and didn't linger out for long. Was very happy and satisfied with my hair.

So all was well, but as I'm sitting here, I felt a sudden wave of nausea in me and I feel really really giddy. I feel like throwing up and my head hurts. If it doesn't get better, i would have to cancel my appointments for tomorrow.

I'm starting to get tired and really tired. Will try to sleep.