Everything is related

I'm glad that I made it through this week. I have been giddy & tired pretty often, most likely due to my menses that started on Monday. And my feet hurts, at the heel area, so I can't walk and much as I wanted to make a trip out to buy some bread and get a nice cold ice blended coffee to cool down in this hot humid weather, I can't and i decided not to push myself to walk in case it gets worse.

My mood hasn't been very good but I'm hanging there & motivating myself. Not sure if it's due to hormones or brain chemicals, but they are all related somehow...

Watching tv & reading "Black Hills" by Nora Roberts and feeling sluggish and just tired. Will write again.

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Sleepy afternoon

I'm feeling better though still feels giddy on & off. The runny nose has stopped though I still feel tired and sluggish.

Had a great time catching up with H, an old friend who has moved away. The time spent together was great, just shopping, chatting and laughing. I hope to meet her again next week before she leaves if she has the time. It's a blessing to find friends you are comfortable to be around, who understands you and not judge you.

I'm thinking of going shopping as there are some discounts in town. But the wind keeps blowing into my room and it's making me sleepy. But I'm not suppose to sleep anymore...I slept for almost 12 hours last night! I woke up close to 1 pm and I'm still tired, wonder if it's because of the flu I had.

I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

359 days to go.

Happy New year everyone! It's 2010, isn't it great?

ok, a little forced enthuiasm here, but I'm trying with my heart and mind to be really positive and optimistic. When 201o rang in and the night was cool and breezy, I told myslef this is going to be a great year! Definitely much better than 2009 where I was back stabbed and lost my job because of jealousy and pure evilness and nothing to do with my illness as all. I worked really hard but because of bad mouthing and pretension of being nice and all, my supervisor turned the tables on me. I really hate her. I have never really dislike someone so intensely- not even the previous J at the ex workplace (Thinking back I could have handled that better) but this completely stuns me. How she talked to me, how 2 faced she is, one moment all sugar & nice and another spit & spite.

OK. sigh.

The thing is, I was really upset about the loss of the job, because I gave it my all. I kept to a routine, I slept early, avoid streesors within my control and I did my best. I felt betrayed by God, that why it had to happen this way, when I tried so hard.

Then there's my health.

I had a fainting episode and the A&E Dr suspects it was a seizure. My left side was weaker and I was giddy all the time. I had to be admitted and had CT & MRI brain and the works. This became one of the excuses to rid me from my workplace.

Than after the zap, I was ok. I went to work as normal, didn't have a break down as I thought I would have went I lost my job and when all seems well ( I patted myself on the back for handling the disasters in my life with grace)... I was infected with H1N1 at the peak of the outbreak here where nothing seems confirmed, people dies and the no. of people infected was on the news everyday. And I was supposed to go to Taiwan for my wedding anniversary trip. 2 days before, I was having a bad sore throat and started having a fever as high as 39.4 degrees celsius. I thought I was going to die when they swabbed me. And I had drug reaction to Tamiflu and I had rashes on my body with very pronounced rash on my thighs. I had to continue with Tamiflu because that was the miracle drug see, that was the only drug known to treat H1N1 then. And at that moment I knew that if the allergy does not disappear on it own, I would have anaphylaxis and I was truly scared. I had food and drug allergic reaction before and was treated at the hospital 10 years ago for anaphylaxis. Flushing, hives, diarrhoea, airways closing- all happened. 

I am thankful the worst didn't happen. The rashes flared and died down on its own. I didn't die.

It was at this moment that I realised that I want to live and when I get depressed and hopeless with myself, I tried really hard to remember this incident and convinced myself that I WANT TO LIVE! It's hard when the future is bleak and when I'm convinced that I'm a good for nothing useless bum that no one wants to hire you (I'm waiting for an interview and there're no calls) and when the mood suddenly hits rock bottom after a couple days high.

The point of this post is - yay, good riddance 2009.

And how much I sincerely want this year to be  abetter year for me. Of course 2009 has alot to be thankful for. Trips and meeting up with friends and all the love I received.

I want to live better. Not like this. Better and I have to try. I have never written goals but maybe this year I will try. Nothing impressive but I should. Even simple things like "read more than 50 books" sounds good. And of course "get a job", better if "get a job I really like" but beggars can't be choosers.

The thing is, this year and maybe even the next will be difficult for all of us. Things may not go according to plan, and we may not be able to control our moods but hang in there. Wish a little, pray and believe that somehow things may change and one day we can live the life we can only dream of.

Happy New Year. Let's hang on together.

 

Clarity of the Moon. Looking at it in awe, I can't help but make a wish.

My June

So I have served my one month's notice at work. I'm officially jobless again. I feel lost and aimless.

And guess what? I contracted H1N1 2 Sundays ago, was on Tamiflu and had a rash plus nausea and generally sicker than I have ever been.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

Partial Seizures that's what I have

I didn't get better and was sent to A&E on Wednesday morning. I was still having very bad headache and was very giddy. In the end I was admitted for observation for a day and was discharged yesterday.

I was admitted for having giddiness for 3/7, then my diagnosis was changed to Fits in the A&E recovery room. Finally they admitted me for having a complex partial seizures. The diagnosis scares me.

I did a CT brain scan and had an EEG. My CT scan was ok and am now waiting for my EEG report, out maybe next week.

I was quite a baby when I was admitted and to much embarrassment, the nurses and Drs were very kind to me. The night nurse found me crying and it's one of those times when you are so scared and worried that you just cannot stop. I was very depressed and I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't say why I'm crying and I was embarrassed to be crying because I work in the hospital and I don't know how to explain my emotions. The lights were off at 9pm and in total darkness, I felt trapped and had a panic attack and I was so lonely and my heart hurt so bad. I was in a deep hole and I was so so so depressed.

She comforted me and made me a hot drink. That night I had a fainting episode again, the ground was moving and my head was light headed and my hands and feet were numb and had tingling sensation. I was confined to bed and feeling more scared, cried some more. In the end, my hubby came and held my hand. 

I also felt trapped because no one knew what's really wrong with me and I couldn't be 100% honest about my medical history  because that's a secret I will have to carry to my grave. I have thought about it and have decided that unless I have a tumor in my brain and need to be operated on or something and that it is necessary to disclose, i will do so. Otherwise, I can't bear it. For all the mental health awareness program in this country, it's a taboo and no one really understand.

The CT scan and EEG was an eye opener, the technician showed me the probes and my reading on the computer screen but the DR will have to analyse it and write the report. While capturing the awake mode, she flashes bright lights in my eyes (my eyes were closed) and made me breathe in and out very quickly for 3 mins  to collect some readings. These made my headache worse and my limbs numb and tingly. In the sleep mode, she played some music and I tried to relax and sleep. I think I did sleep for a short while and she was satisfied with the readings. The whole procedure took 30 min or longer.

I'm home and recovering. Though my right side is still slightly weaker, it seems this is the residual effect of the seizure and will go away. I'm actually wondering if I had a seizure because of my BP condition. This brain of mine has seems to be in shock and wasted. I don't feel the same today. I need to ask my psy Dr when I see him 2 weeks later.

I feel blessed to be alive. Ironic for someone in this state.

I think I'm OK though. Hmm..

Got an earlier appointment

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a panic attack and dare I imagine, a small seizure when I found myself shaking.

Anyhow, I called the clinic and asked if they could give me an earlier appointment. Its now 14 Apr instead of 28 Apr. 2 weeks ahead, better than none. I have request to be on a waiting list in case anyone cancelled their appointment and I can be seen in their place.

My head hurts. I feel that there is something in there and I want to throw up and my eyes hurts.

I'm giddy and although it's not a pleasant feeling, I wouldn't mind fainting again, just so I can get myself admitted and speed up the investigational process.

I cried alot and my mum cried too. She is afraid that there is really something wrong with me and I may die.

I'm just staring into space and I'm afraid to work in case I faint at work in front of my patients. I don't know what to think really.

I may have epilepsy

I thought I had died and came back.

This morning at 630am, I woke up and was preparing to go to work. I was brushing my teeth and felt very giddy, my mom gave me a chair and asked me to sit down, I continues to brush my teeth but the heaviness of the head was too much to bear. I placed my head down and I fainted. I heard my mum calling for my husband and the rest was a blank. When I fought to reagin consciousness, I saw stars, bright spots, and a circle. I was out for around 5-10 mins.

I knew I was breaking out in cold sweat, and I was very scared.

My husband told me that I was shivering and my hands and legs were trembling and shaking. I went to my GP and he suggest neurological tests to rule out epilepsy. I need to be seen by a neurologist for EEG and CT scans. I used to have fainting spells when I was in my teens. That will cost me alot of money. I had to call my boss as my hubby was the one who called earlier to inform that I fainted. Epilepsy is another taboo illness. I really don't think I can keep this job for long.

I have worked out the total cost to be $ 600. My illnesses are getting too expensive. I have left a msg for my psychiatrist and am waiting for him to call.

My earliest neuro appt is on the 28 Apr 09. That's long time to wait and I'm paying private rate in a hospital.

I think my GP thinks I'm mentally ill.

I must clarify that I only visit  the psychiatrist for my treatment of BP. GP is mainly for general illness and issuing of MCs. I had to leave work earlier today to see my GP as I was not able to breathe properly. My chest was tight and I was very cold and tired (what's new). He gave me some bronchodillaters and diazepam to "relax" my muscles. This is not the first time he prescribed medication to help me  sleep and relax. He thinks I'm too anxious and probably out of my mind.

He keeps telling me the virus will go away, that I have to relax and rest. Ya, I know that too. I want to sleep properly but I can't.  I took the diazepam when I got home and slept restlessly for only 1 hr. I was awaken by my work phone (my colleague is on leave so I had to hold on to her phone. As I'm still new and under probation, I would not get the phone till 6 mths later- which is good news for me) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was very depressed and started to cry and I tried to calm my pounding heart and almost dozed off, I was rudely jolted out of that moment by the stupid phone again. This time, it was a incoherent person obviously dialling the wrong no. 

I gave up sleeping. I'm still tired and hungry but I'm too lazy to move and eat. I have porridge waiting for me. 

I'm very depressed. I wish I can just die. That I can just take the meds and sleep and rest and not worry about waking up, being alert and functional. I know what I need most to recover is lots of water, vit C and rest. I can OD on the 1st 2, but rest? How is it possible to get enough rest? I sleep at around 11 and wake up at 630am. Ideally I should go to bed at 930pm. But I get home around 7, have my dinner and bathe and that takes up the evening. I need time to relax, to unwind from work issues, to watch TV, to go online. Unless, I just get home, bathe and sleep. Skip my dinner, take my meds and sleep. I can't sleep on a full stomach.

I know this is a rambling, feeling sorry for myself post but I am feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me. I'm not performing at work.

I'm can't cope and the fear and emptiness is overwhelming.

colours and fly into another world

I see colours in my head. The float and I'm dreamy. I like the feeling of free and not belonging here. I took 1 stilnox, 1 stilnox CR and i'm now happy. ( I think I may regret this tmr) bcos I may not be able to wake up and may feel like crap and  need to work. But I like being happy. please let me play, [please I want to be happppppppppy.......................

i want to die and end this, want to be free.

I'm still sick, started another course of antibiotics, coughing my guts out, all the mucous, all the phlegm. My body hurts. I want to die.

My menses is coming.

I want to be free in my colorful world. I dreamt cats were the size of tigers, grizzly bears were dancing and the place is peaceful and flying. I want to go to another world.

Twitching eyes a bad omen?

So I still get to keep my job and work was tiring and stressful. I have been rather down lately and I'm still not feeling too well.

My cold is still present and I get on-off fever and chills, followed by breaking out into cold sweat. I'm so overwhelm by fatigue and aches. My legs are like disconnected from the rest of my body and I am so so tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up every 2 hours to pee and my sleep is so consumed by dreams. On Friday night, I had nightmares I couldn't remember much and I cried twice, waking up to tears soaked pillow. I think it's due to the lack of sleep and rest, my left eye is twitching and it bothers me.

On a happier note, I went out yesterday and bought 3 books and a magazine to read. I saw a few clothes that were quite nice but wasn't in the mood to try them on. Maybe later this week if I feel like it. Also, due to this illness that was bugging me the last week, I had to abstain from fried stuffs and chips so I think I may have lost some weight around my face and waist. I hope this keeps off.

Too soon to crash

I'm feeling so anxious that I'm actually shaking. How can i go through this again?

My heart is pounding and my chest hurts. 

I know with every ups will be a crashing down. But I can't cope with this. Would people be talking about me behind my back? How can I face their looks tomorrow. Would they gossip about me not being at work since I started only 6 weeks ago? 6 weeks but it felt so long. It's too soon but I feel the burnout and stress creeping out. Would I be ask to go?

Strong virus

I'm still not well. Am taking antibioics with a whole lot of medicine. 

This does not brood well for my job. I may lose it and I feel anxious thinking about it. I called my boss this morning at 7 (can you imagine she's in the office at 7 when we start work at 830? She is so dedicated!) and told her I'm really not well and I know how bad this looks on me. I sound really bad and really sick for she said, we will talk about it when I get back to work. Now that adds up my anxiety level.

I hate going through all these thoughts and actions and I hate falling sick when I've just started working. I didn't fall sick when I wasn't working and I haven't fallen so sick in the last 1 year with fever and cold and the whole package. I feel miserable and out of control of everything. One of my resolution is to take fewer medical leaves, see how that worked out so far!

Much as I hate working, I need the money and I have to keep this job.

I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not and show them how sick I am and how bad I sound. I work in a hospital, I may have picked something up from there. I'm also worried I may spread my bugs to patients and fellow co-workers but department head do not really care about such things do they?

I'm going to try to nap again. I feel handicapped, I can't seems to write or express myself the way I want to. I feel disengaged form myself.

flu and upsets

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.

This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. 

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself. 

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by. 

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.

I need a purpose to get up each day.