Everything is related

I'm glad that I made it through this week. I have been giddy & tired pretty often, most likely due to my menses that started on Monday. And my feet hurts, at the heel area, so I can't walk and much as I wanted to make a trip out to buy some bread and get a nice cold ice blended coffee to cool down in this hot humid weather, I can't and i decided not to push myself to walk in case it gets worse.

My mood hasn't been very good but I'm hanging there & motivating myself. Not sure if it's due to hormones or brain chemicals, but they are all related somehow...

Watching tv & reading "Black Hills" by Nora Roberts and feeling sluggish and just tired. Will write again.

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Marian Keyes & my story

I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people" 

I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.

I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...

I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.

My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.

He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.

I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.

In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.

Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't  as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is Rachel's holiday. 

This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.

I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.

Marian Keyes's Newsletter Jan 2010 

Marian Keyes: crippling depression has made my life a living hell

That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

*

The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton

*

One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk“

source

Reading List Jan-Nov 09

I can't believe I have read so many books this year, well,  I do have a lot of free time on my hands though. Although I have came across some reading blogs that have bloggers reading a whole lot more and I'm so impressed! 

New target for next year then. Gambette!

One great book to recommend: 

47. The Neighbor by Lisa Gardner

My 2 cents worth: "Great book. Twisted and disturbing, a part of character continuation from "Say Goodbye". I couldn't put it down and everything finally made sense in the end when you link the 2 books together."

59. Wings: more than 50 high flying recipes for America, Debbie Moose - CB

58. The Pearl Diver, Sujata Masey - R

57. The Floating Girl, Sujata Massey - R

56. The Flower Master, Sujata Massey - R

55. Zen Attitude, Sujata Massey - R

54. The Salaryman's Wife, Sujata Massey -R

53. Madness: A Biploar Life, Marya Hornbacher -Bio

52. The Omega-3 Connection, Andrew L Stoll MD - NF

51."The Perfect Christmas","Debbie Macomber"

50."Gabriel's Angel","Nora Roberts"

49."First Impressions: First Impressions\Blithe Images","Nora Roberts"

48."Divine Evil","Nora Roberts"

47."The Neighbor","Lisa Gardner"

46."Smash Cut","Sandra Brown"

44/45."Be My Valentine: My Funny Valentine\My Hero","Debbie Macomber"

42/43."Wyoming Brides: Denim and Diamonds\The Wyoming Kid","Debbie Macomber"

41."Sooner or Later LP","Debbie Macomber"

40."Homeport","Nora Roberts"

39."Practically Perfect","Katie Fforde"

37/38."Two Of A Kind: Impulse\The Best Mistake (Mira Hardbacks)","Nora Roberts"

36."Ghost Moon","Karen Robards",

35."Body Double (Jane Rizzoli, Book 4)","Tess Gerritsen"

34."Red Lily (In the Garden, Book 3)","Nora Roberts"

33."Black Rose: In the Garden Trilogy (In the Garden)","Nora Roberts"

32."Blue Dahlia(In the Garden, Book 1)","Nora Roberts"

31."Shanghai Girls: A Novel","Lisa See"

29/30."Married In Seattle: First Comes Marriage\Wanted: Perfect Partner","Debbie Macomber"

28."Poppy Done to Death: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery","Charlaine Harris"

27."The Apprentice (Jane Rizzoli, Book 2)","Tess Gerritsen"

26."Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden Mysteries, Book 1)","Charlaine Harris"

25."If You Live Like Me","Lori Weber"

24."Morning Comes Softly (Harper Monogram)","Debbie Macomber"

23."The Killing Hour","Lisa Gardner"

22."Hide","Lisa Gardner"

21."Looking for Peyton Place: A Novel","Barbara Delinsky"

20."Gone","Lisa Gardner"

19."Chesapeake Blue (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts"

18."Inner Harbor: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #3 (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts",

17."Rising Tides: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #2 (The Quinn Brothers Trilogy)","Nora Roberts",

16."Sea Swept: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #1 (Chesapeake Bay Mysteries)","Nora Roberts"

15."The Surgeon: A Novel","Tess Gerritsen"

14."Knit Two: A Friday Night Knitting Club Novel","Kate Jacobs"

13."The Friday Night Knitting Club","Kate Jacobs"

12."Key of Valor","Nora Roberts","0515136530"

11."Key of Knowledge","Nora Roberts"

10."Key of Light","Nora Roberts"

9. "Say Goodbye","Lisa Gardner"

8. "Blue Smoke and Murder","Elizabeth Lowell"

7. "Meet Me in Venice","Elizabeth Adler"

6. "Tribute","Nora Roberts"

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis" - NF

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Termites in my head and a cat with a mouse on hers

I am feeling depressed again today. I can't sleep well and I have a strange and weird dream. I dreamt I took part in a race and everybody wanted me to lose. In the end, I was actually winning but they changed the location of the finish line and I came in 6th which is the last. I don't run and I never took part in any race but when I woke up, my legs hurts. And I dreamt that I have little termites in my brain that causes my seizures. I saw them crawling and it was awful and scary.

I want to cry again. And I feel that my throat is tight and heart choked.

Ever since I joined postcrossing, I felt happier. I like how I can make someone's day by picking a card for them that I think they would like and hope that they will smile. I also get a flutter of joy when I received a postcard in the mail that just made me smile with joy. Like the card in the picture from Germany.

I'm a Chines girl who loves Japan and am trying to pick up the language. I can speak English, Mandarin, Cantonese and understands dialects. I love Japanese shows and I really want to learn the language. I can speak and understand the simple words but I hope to master  the language soon.

Reading list Mar 09

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis"

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Reading list

I have also been obsessing about writing a list of books I have read since Aug 08. I have been busy this year and haven't been reading much in the 1st  half of the year, except magazines. 

Here's the list from Aug 08:

1. "Mermaids in the Basement","Michael Lee West","0060184051","Reading now"

2. "High Noon","Nora Roberts","0399154345","Already read"

3. "Sanctuary","Nora Roberts","0425215377","Already read"

4. "Lessons in Heartbreak","Cathy Kelly","0007240384","Already read"

5. "Invitation to Provence","Elizabeth Adler","0312986424","Already read"

6. "The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature","Steven Pinker","0670063274","Already read"

7. "Sailing to Capri","Elizabeth Adler","0312339666","Already read"

8. "Remember Me","Sophie Kinsella","0552156116","Already read"

9."Shopaholic & Baby","Sophie Kinsella","0385338716","Already read"

10. "The House in Amalfi","Elizabeth Adler","031293646X","Already read"

11. "Deep Freeze","Lisa Jackson","0821772961","Already read"

12. "I Heard That Song Before","Mary Higgins Clark","0743268571","Already read"

13."Obsession","Karen Robards","0399154167","Already read"

14."Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You","Sam Gosling","0465027814","Reading now"

15. "Daily Wisdom for the Workplace: Practical, On-The-Job Insight from Scripture","Pamela McQuade","1586605712","Reading now"

16. "The Villa","Nora Roberts","0515132187","Already read"

17. "River's End","Nora Roberts","0749931590","Already read"

18. "The Chocolate Lovers' Club","Carole Matthews","0312376669","Already read"

19. "Artificial Happiness: The Dark Side of the New Happy Class","Ronald W. Dworkin","0786719338","Reading now"

I exported the list from Living Social. I'm still reading ome of hte books, eg # 16 Daily Wisdom for the workplace is an ongoing daily reading. Others, I sometimes read it halfway, got distracted by another book and will get back to it again.. somehow.

I used to be able to read no stop in the past. But now, I get distracted very easily and I have my moods. I can spend a day obsessing about reading, another watching DVDs, or another day surfing the net.

Yup, I did something today! Thinking if I should go out to town later.