Down by the water

I'm sorry for not posting. I have been getting by and going to work and surrounding myself with happy pretty things. But when night falls, I'm surrounded by loneliness and tears and bad dreams and restless sleep. 

Nothing really did trigger this, but this is the life I have grown accustomed to.

I will try to take pictures instead to mark the moment, for words just don't seems logical to me. And my emotions.. it's just difficult to pen it into words.

Heard this song by The Drums and the melancholy tinge to it just sums up my mood right now.

yup, I'm depressed again...

Haven't been work for 3 days. Mood = low. Back (mid spine) = hurts.

Thoughts of killing myself have surfaced and getting panicky over thoughts of going back to work tomorrow.

Thoughts = can't control. tired of it all. hope to sleep and forget and want to cry. Sooo tired..

Broke down and cried

I finally cried after so many months, the heartfelt deep wrenching kind. But I don't feel any better. I used to feel better when I cried but it doesn't seems to help very much this time.

It has been eating me for many weeks and I just keep rationalising how I feel, how I should feel and what not to feel, where not to go. How not to venture deep into that dark place in my mind. And it's always here, never really gone, waiting patiently to take over, to remind me that I'm just not normal... That I can pretend or think that I'm attractive & smart, but only it knows how ugly I really am. That beneath this smart, confident & competent exterior, I'm actually a complete wreck.

That I need another man's compliment when I have my husband's. That I'm flattered by attention and I let my vanity and ego rule. Was I maniac or I'm just being human? I did nt do anything wrong but would I if I did nt exercise control? I let someone messed with my mind and being messed up enough this brain of mine... I am in utter confusion by everything that had happened.

The boy I mentioned last week told me that he's afraid he will fall for me and thus nt want to mt me. That's ok, I'm flattered and I think less contact means less temptations and less chance I would do anything morally wrong. That was Wednesday. I couldn't sleep well. Last night he MSG some stuffs to me and the last MSG came at 2.30am! That woke me up and I couldn't sleep.

I was angry for being disturbed. And my mind is all messed up bcos of lack of sleep for 2 days.

Why would he want to play with my mind? Why did I allow it? I keep telling myself nt to get involved with new people and stay away from human relationships. Even at work I try to stay a distance.

Anyway, it's back and I dunno how to control it. I know it was here all along, waiting for the right moment to attack.

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my current mood & non-committal people

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't  seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

depressed agian

I didn't have to work these 2 days and the weekend will be here tomorrow. I slept quite a bit yesterday but woke up early today.

I have been feeling depressed again today. Just felt so lost, unloved and lonely.. no idea what triggered it. Maybe I could have suppressed my emotions too much last week because I didn't want to think or feel anything. 

I can't breathe easily and the hole is back and I get teary for no reasons. 

I was on FB and I saw pictures of my friend's daughter and I feel like I'm missing something... that I could never be a mother and that is such a wonderful experience.

I'm gonna go watch my shows that I have recorded and never had the time to watch. Maybe TV will make me feel better.

And I will have to make a trip to the clinic to get my meds- must do so next week latest!

Night terror

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

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Need to rest

I've decided that I need a break (official) as I have working late far too often. I ended work yesterday at 530pm (suppose to work till 2pm - excluding lunch) and I was very tired. Anyway, I gave some thoughts about my working hours and decided that this is not conducive to my health and since I have been working late everyday and I can't seems to leave on time because there's too much work and everything seems to be on a deadline, I decided to take today off. And yes, if I work 5 hours tomorrow and on Friday, I would have still exceeded my 25hrs/week... since I worked extra 4 hrs last week... so this never ends really.

so, I would really love to complete my necessary tasks tomorrow and leave say 1.30pm?

worth a thought. My hubby and friends say, just shut down and leave on time, yet I can't seem to and I know it's my rights but I feel kinda bad. (see, how I just ask for trouble and stress... sigh...)

I had a good rest today, it rained and was cool. But I'm still so tired! I read a bit and watched many episodes of 90210 which I have recorded. Mood wise, not too good, but manageable. 

Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

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Everything is related

I'm glad that I made it through this week. I have been giddy & tired pretty often, most likely due to my menses that started on Monday. And my feet hurts, at the heel area, so I can't walk and much as I wanted to make a trip out to buy some bread and get a nice cold ice blended coffee to cool down in this hot humid weather, I can't and i decided not to push myself to walk in case it gets worse.

My mood hasn't been very good but I'm hanging there & motivating myself. Not sure if it's due to hormones or brain chemicals, but they are all related somehow...

Watching tv & reading "Black Hills" by Nora Roberts and feeling sluggish and just tired. Will write again.

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Mood dipped and ANTM dark shots

After all my enthusiasms and motivation and being on the ball, my mood dipped today and now I feel that there's a stone wedge in my heart. I feel lousy, depressed and want to cry. I feel miserable and I can't breathe.

My heart is heavy. And it hurts and it keeps me down.

On another note, I wanted to blog about this yesterday... I watched America Next Top Model 13 on Thursday and these pictures strike me.

Erin- Distressed, in pain, vulnerable, torturous, rejected and lonely

A judge mentioned that she is like an alien, I find her a misfit and in distress.

Nicole- Sensual and mesmerizing. Like a fairy in the unknown. Mysterious.

The photos taken were great. Like an art work. Gorgeous.

And my pain and misery continue to leach my essence and my head pound and cries. Possibly my PMS and nothing else, but if the monster is back, please don't take it all, have a little mercy. Please, just leave it.... hear my cries....

March has been a fearful month for me and since last year, April too. I'm worried and I'm so scared that it will happen again and I just want to cry my tears of fear.

When I woke up...

I woke up at 9 am this morning and slept again, woke up at around 1230 pm. I felt better but with feeling of regrets over last night's (this morning) episode. I had a maniac- angry episode, with loads of anxiety and despair.

I am very thankful for my husband. He calmed me down, stroked my back as I slept and told me not to feel stressed and scared over working again. Night times are always the worst for me when I'm anxious and stressed.

I'm worried that I can't sleep tonight and I hope I can manage it. It's like once I spent 2 days sleeping at close to 3 because of nights out, I can't fall asleep at 12 or 1 am again.  

Getting ready to go out and celebrate my grandma's birthday tonight. Called a cake shop and reserved a cake, will collect it on the way to her place.

trapped

I feel trapped by life, by expectations again. I cannot breathe. I may faint again and get another zap. I dun feel good. I want to scream & cry & pray. My head hurts and I can't breathe.

Maybe if I can sleep....then I will deal with it again.

I want to die if I can't sleep

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Marian Keyes & my story

I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people" 

I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.

I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...

I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.

My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.

He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.

I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.

In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.

Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't  as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is Rachel's holiday. 

This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.

I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.

Marian Keyes's Newsletter Jan 2010 

Marian Keyes: crippling depression has made my life a living hell

That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

*

The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton

*

One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk“

source

please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 

But I turn them off and tuck them away 

'till these rainy days that make them stay 

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday 

And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 

So please understand if I dont answer the phone 

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 

Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

source

sleep! let me sleep!

I didn't do much the last few days. Went out with friends on Fri, didn't drink a drop of alcohol (because I'm on meds) and it made me so lost and out of place. I'm really getting old at 31.. no mood to play, will drink just to release.

Still so trapped in my body and so empty. Feeling sick right now, could be start of a flu. It's coming to 4am and  I can't sleep. I took some more pills and one that has the sugar coating melted and i still can't get my sleepy vibes.

Im here in the dark with a pillow and I'm so tempted to be out of my body for once. I want to end this misery that eating me alive, especially the last couple of weeks. I need to get well and work and function, not sit in the dark and not sleeping. want to end all this crap!

want to be free and just die.

Im now agitated and very angry. want to smash the walls and hurt myself. Blogger crashed my safari and i still don't feel sleepy. I want to sccccccccccrrrrream!

Sometimes when I want to release and let go...

*possible trigger*

I find it therapeutic to listen to songs and look for videos to match how I feel. That the lyrics describes exactly how I feel and I don't have to explain.

I'm not cutting myself though I have a slight urge to.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

source

I can't wash it away!

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised,  I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

source

I forget how it was like to dream...

lost all will to live, i'm just staying alive... just breathing, just getting through each day.

recently gone down to a low low, haven't reach this point in a very long time, kept crying, felt literally empty and the place where my heart is was just a huge gaping hole that doesn't hurt, just empty, just void, just a space where the heart used to be.

fear smells bitter, throat constricted, breathing laboured.

trying to reach above again, trying to hold on to reality.

i can smell my past, can be transported to another world, another time.

the lines are blurring, i forget reality. the real world is too loud.

but i'm so tired. i just want to sleep and escape. but the dreams are not helping.

will be fine. i hope.

source