my current mood & non-committal people

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't  seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

Need to rest

I've decided that I need a break (official) as I have working late far too often. I ended work yesterday at 530pm (suppose to work till 2pm - excluding lunch) and I was very tired. Anyway, I gave some thoughts about my working hours and decided that this is not conducive to my health and since I have been working late everyday and I can't seems to leave on time because there's too much work and everything seems to be on a deadline, I decided to take today off. And yes, if I work 5 hours tomorrow and on Friday, I would have still exceeded my 25hrs/week... since I worked extra 4 hrs last week... so this never ends really.

so, I would really love to complete my necessary tasks tomorrow and leave say 1.30pm?

worth a thought. My hubby and friends say, just shut down and leave on time, yet I can't seem to and I know it's my rights but I feel kinda bad. (see, how I just ask for trouble and stress... sigh...)

I had a good rest today, it rained and was cool. But I'm still so tired! I read a bit and watched many episodes of 90210 which I have recorded. Mood wise, not too good, but manageable. 

Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

Sent from my iPhone

I want to die if I can't sleep

I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I dun have have time to do so many things, please dun scold me, but I'm tired and i can't sleep. I have taken stillnox, panadol, piriton and I hate myself for doing it. My heath would affected and I need to work soon. I'm not ready, I'm a mess, help me, I'm so scared and angry with the whole word! I need to clear the shows in my DVD recording machine, need to clear the movie list. I have so much to do! please dun laugh at me, i know it's not much but I'm swamped and stress. I need to get a cake for my granny's birthday tomorrow.... what happen if the cakes are sold out and I can't get any?

Last week was so tired for me, Busy but tired. Love hanging out, but the late nights made my sleeping problem worst! I can't go back to my rhythm, I'm stressed.

Im having a breakdown now. I threw some stuffs across the room and even though I do not want to do so.... I wish I can die so that it's over and the feelings are gone. After 5 nights of late sleeping, I can't change the groove and I need to sleep at 10 and wake up early but I can't! I'm so stress. I want to end it all, i dunno what e;se to take to keep me in the state of blissful joy. I want to cry and cut myself and scratch myself and hit my head over and over again.

I want to drift and sleep. please no more repeats. Im going crazy..

Take me to the world where I dun get frustrated and cry. I want to smash my laptop!!!!!!!!! so angry with everything!!!!!

I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Threatened

I'm in a agitated and depressed mood. I feel lousy because I was "threatened" to have a flu vaccination as I work in a healthcare setting. Due to the H1N1 outbreak around the world, my hospital is encouraging all healthcare workers  to be vaccinated.

So far there's no case here, but we are in Orange alert. This means temperature taking, masks and declaration of travel history in all government buildings and hospitals.

I was told that if we were to refuse vaccination, we would not be covered medically if we contract flu. That is pure rubbish. I do not want to to be injected because I cannot be sick, I have had vaccination before and I had fever and aches. I can't be sick, I would crash and my mood would be affected. I need to protect myself. I have also read that Vaxigrip may affect the nerves and I recently had a seizure scare and though my MRI was cleared, my tingling sensation still persist on and off. 

My mood is dropping today, I was just so agitated, frustrated and I want to cry. I'm getting tired again and to cheer myself, I went to Cold Storage for a walk and bought yogurt and milk. I feel so lonely and helpless and being threatened just made me want to lash out.

N, my colleague agrees that it is not fair and having someone on my side helps. I will have to see how it goes tomorrow. Not only that, I was volunteered to administer the vaccination injection. It's not my job scope and though I am a nurse by training, I haven't given any injection for a year  and I'm scared. I have no confidence in myself and I really do not want to do it. I brought a needle and syringe home to practise on a sponge, the vaccination is on next Friday just so it won't disrupt work activities and well, if we do get a fever, we can recover over the weekend.

I ma just so upset. I can't seem to let it go.

I want to stay home and not work anymore.  

flu and upsets

I crashed. Physically. Now home, huddled under a blanket and using plenty of tissue papers.

This is not going well for my new year resolution for a new job. This will not sit well with my supervisor as I have been taking a lot of sick leaves. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it. 

But it has been raining alot lately and I'm having flu so it's reasons enough to stay home right? I wish I could grit my teeth and go to work but I just want to rest. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

My body aches, I hurt everywhere and I'm generally quite miserable.

Mentally, it could have played a part as there was a little conflict at work that affected me. I felt inferior and no confidence with myself. 

Been a little upset lately because I spoke up against something I thought didn't sound right and did not do. The person's attitude towards me changed and wasn't as friendly towards me as when I first joined. I try not to be sensitive and get affected but I think it's pretty obvious. Anyway, I wasn't convinced by her explanation over the issues but I didn't want to talk anymore. Just act stupid and let the days pass me by. 

I just don't feel connected to anyone or to the tasks there.

I need a purpose to get up each day.

A parcel waiting to be collected

I'm feeling angry and depressed.

First thing first, I'm very upset over my friend whom I care about very much. She is in another country now and have been having a bad time, she's also the friend that I was mentioning about whom had depression but had believed that she is cured and unlike me, not on any medications. Anyway, she was down for awhile and we have been emailing and calling each other. I have sent her a couple of encouraging stuffs through mails and last week, in an attempt to cheer her up, I asked my family for a favour to bring something over last Tues. (to save on shipping fees as I'm quite broke) 

It has been a week and she have not collected it. She knows my family and we have spoken over the phone and my family knows that she will come over, but she hasn't. I don't understand. Why can't she go over and collect it? She told me the place is not far from where she lives, she drives and she can pop in over the weekend. I'm just very angry. I feel not appreciated and I find her selfish selfish and more selfish!!!

Ok, I may be over reacting but I'm really depressed and sad. I know when you do something for another person and you did it willingly, you can't expect anything in return. But I feel neglected and I find her selfish. Maybe she doesn't know I'm down since I'm able to be so contained most of the time. I'm always contained, I internalised my feelings and I'm ashamed of showing my weakness.

She on the other hand, always manages to get people eating out of her hands. And I'm not saying she's wrong, since somehow over the oceans, I can sensed something is not right. Bu why won't anyone care for me? Like giving me a card, giving me presents or something??

I think I'm jealous of her. She lives in another country, lives in a big house, drives, has a finance that just brings her and buys her whatever she wants. They are getting married soon. She talks about wanting lots of kids. 

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Or, deep down, I feel jealous because she is not on meds? Not seeing a Dr and somehow things always works out in her favour? Comparison is bad I know... but I feel like a failure. A big fat failure.

I live in small house, I can't drive but I know my hubby loves me in his way and I'm grateful for him in every way. But I want perfection.  And this feeling is eating me and I need some air. I hate how I'm feeling but I need to write this down so badly. That she is selfish. That I am lonely, that I wish I can receive some concern from her. That she could just go pick up the parcel and open it, and appreciate it.

of noisy kids and an outburst

Monday

I had a terrible backache. Was agitated, in pain and feeling low. I felt that my heart was empty and hollow, this empty hole that felt abandonment. That feeling became stronger when I had a friend who did not respond to my msg and request to meet up for coffee. It's just one of those days when rejection is hard to accept. We usually meet for weekly coffee, but I haven't sen her in about 4 weeks. so... thoughts went overdrive and I was worried.

Anyway, the kids started the nonsense again and my neighbour's kid, the 4 yr old boy, he kept opening and closing the door, banging it all the time.. it is very IRRITATING! and the final straw came when I realised that my main water supply was turned off!!! It was a very irritating prank and that got me! I went out of the house shouting "Who messed with the supply??"" the kids hid in their house, parents either oblivious or dun't bother. My hubby calmed me down and though I wanted to speak to the parents, I did not know which kid did it. And, I was just too angry and was afraid that I might lose it again.

After the outburst, I was drained. I was so angry that I trembled and cry. I haven't felt that in awhile. Then I felt guilty for shouting.

I was tired.

Tuesday

I was still tired. But I went out to an exhibition with my hubby, and because I didn't want to go home, we walked around.

I feel strange, I have always got along well with my neighbors. Or I have never lost my temper at them, or well basically they have all been nice. Most of my neighbors are elderly couples. 

My next door neighbor F moved in last year.

I want to get over this and not get obsessed with this issue. I just don't feel so good. Guilt with anger of how inconsiderate people are.

Thunderstorm and kids

I'm tired today. It has only been a short while being online but already, I felt tired and my eyes hurt.

There was a huge thunderstorm last night. The thunders were really loud and it woke me up at 5am. It sounds as though nature is very very angry, the sky flashes in the dark and the rain kept pouring. The electricity tripped too. I realised it as I was going to the toilet. The loud sounds frightened me.

On another note, my neighbourhood kids are really noisy. I hate loud noises and I do not like screaming kids when I surf the net, read or watch TV. They are really loud. I live in a flat and it's not wrong for them to play in the day. But I wish my neighbour's boy did not come home so quickly. His mum brought him to visit his granny 2 weeks ago and it's really quiet and peaceful. Now he's back ( he's around 2), other kids (namely 2 more, one 6, another roughly 8) are back to look for him. They scream, shout, run and play guns and boy games. I'm not in the state to like kids now, frankly, I dislike them at this very moment! And every time they scream or run outside the house, I get this irritation building and get this headache. arrgh.

I am tired, irritated and feeling down.

i want to die

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight