depressed agian

I didn't have to work these 2 days and the weekend will be here tomorrow. I slept quite a bit yesterday but woke up early today.

I have been feeling depressed again today. Just felt so lost, unloved and lonely.. no idea what triggered it. Maybe I could have suppressed my emotions too much last week because I didn't want to think or feel anything. 

I can't breathe easily and the hole is back and I get teary for no reasons. 

I was on FB and I saw pictures of my friend's daughter and I feel like I'm missing something... that I could never be a mother and that is such a wonderful experience.

I'm gonna go watch my shows that I have recorded and never had the time to watch. Maybe TV will make me feel better.

And I will have to make a trip to the clinic to get my meds- must do so next week latest!

flunarizine = weight gain? Nooooooooooo....

I had a long day today at the hospital, visiting Drs of 2 different discipline. Apparatly the Neurologist who saw me today (not the same team of Drs that attended to me when I was warded last week) thinks that what I have is not seizures but just fainting. Should I be happy or should I be upset because I feel that I'm being disregard? He just thinks differently from the A&E Dr, my GP and the attending nerologiss in the ward.

Anyhow, he extended my hospitalisation leave till this Friday to let me rest because I'm stressed looking for Drs to see me each different day and getting MC. So that's good. Also I'm still feelin giddy and my right side is weaker. My hands are constant numb, tingly and full of pins and needles.

I'm tired.

Anyway the post is about flunarizine. I'm on 5mg and the drug which is suppose to make you feel better actually caused drowsiness, stiffness of hands and limbs, difficulty in speech and weight gain! (YIKES)

So dumb! It's for 2 weeks for weight gain is not good at all. I repeat. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.

Puffy eyes

After 2 days of Stilnox CR, I feel very sleepy and tired. I'm not too sure if this is related to the med. The Stilnox CR and Stilnox 10mg are very different. When I'm on Stilnox, I can feel the effect of the drug faster and when I wake up, I don't feel so drowsy and heavy. But after taking the Stilnox CR, I feel heavy, my eyelids are heavy and when I woke up, I found that my eyes were puffy.

Not too sure if this is related to the med or I'm feeling tired again because I have been up and high the last couple of days, going out doing stuffs and feeling great.

I really hate the highs and lows.

Meds change and starting work

I want to be thankful. If I have only one year left to live, what are the things I wished to do?

Nothing and just sleep away.

No, seriously, there are things I would like to see, visit and do. To travel and to let go.

My list is waiting to be completed. 

I have changed my Stilnox 10mg to Stilnox CR 12.5mg. Will it make me put on weight or have roll over drowsy effect? They are no longer producing Stilnox 10mg.

I wish I can stop medication, the thoughts are in my mind and I'm so tempted to.

My Dr would like me to wait and see, the more conservative approach, afraid that I will crash, afraid that I can't work.

Have I told you, I'm starting work on Mon? My anxieties is back and I'm filled with dread yet excited with the prospect to start anew.

Raindrops on my window and sunshine in the park

All is not gloom here really. I have lost my desire to blog since my mood is flat and I have been really tired.

Well, it's better to be depressed, teary and tired than depressed, agitated and not being able to sleep. My problem is really sleeping too much in the morning, I can't feel the motivation to wake up and face another day, yet I get anxious and scared when the night falls and I have to sleep and I'm afraid I can't sleep and I give in to Stilnox again. I'm relying too much on Stilnox and am trying to wean off it but I can't seems to do that. Do you have any idea how to?

On Mon, I will see my Dr again and I'm nervous. I don't think I'm any better or any worse, just the same really. I'm not better because I'm still not working and I'm just feeling the same. Being the same is sometimes for the best. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wish I can be well and normal. Well, it's just my fantasy.

It has been raining quite a bit here, that's how Dec is like. It's nice, the cool air and the smell that follows. The weather was glorious yesterday though, I went to the park and fed the turtles, fishes and swan. The laziness of it all just made me felt peaceful.

My reflection of hatred

I'm having a bout of self doubt and insecurity. I have seen my friends picture in FB. She's skinny and pretty. I feel fat, ugly and urgh! I look at my face and I feel angry and hate myself. I wish I can thinner and just look better. 

I guess what I have alot of insecurities since young and that is what creates this life long relationship with medication and my Dr. I guess I'm ok, average looking and when I'm good, I think I look good in almost anything.. guess that when you feel good, you look good. But today, now.. I just look ugly! Maybe it's because I'm going to have my period in a month's time, i feel bloated and heavy and frumpy and fat.

I have a friend who is sick, from a physical illness and she looks skinny because well, she lost weight due to her illness and she has always been small built. And with my friend whose picture I have seen in FB, she has depression (not seeing any Dr or on medication now) and she is skinny. I know I'm obsessing with skinny right now but I have always wanted to be skinny. I used to be skinny, not very skinny but skinnier with nice collarbone and a nicer cheekbone.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I slept alot and I was nice and skinny. My hubby saw me then (we were friends but didn't meet up for a year or so) and he said I look like a POW. How I wish I could go back then and look like a mad, skinny girl. Then I was on Zoloft. Somehow, it ceased to work.... I stopped med for awhile, and when I visited my current Dr, he put me on Risperidal. I ballooned! I just ate and ate and was always cravng for unhealthy food. I took my weight and body type for granted and I didn't notice till about 5 mths later when I went back to work. I hadn't work for 5 mths and I had to get pants for work, I realised I couldn't fit into anything old.. all my old jeans. I'm disgusting! I have been living in ratty shorts and huge tee and I felt normal at home without actually hanging out with people.

Now, whenever my Dr suggest a change of med because the current med doesn't seems to work, I resist. I'm superficial. I told my Dr, I do not want to be  fat, I do not want to gain weight. I'd rather be depressed and skinny than be fat and depressed.

I'm a superficial being but I just hate myself. Hate what I see. If only I can be prettier, skinnier and smarter. If only I can be anyone but myself.

Naked and scared

Cr Created: 21/11/08 10:56 PM

(Typed this on Friday night when I got home. I did not have access to the internet, therefore recorded this on a word doc as soon as I can)

I just got home. Went out for dinner with 2 very old friends since my school days. One of them is a mother and another 3 months pregnant. They were talking about pregnancy and having kids. I felt disconnected from them, it’s as though pregnancy will never happen to me. I feel that I will never be a mother and I can’t be a mother.  I have read about how to cope with being pregnant and how having BD does not equate to not having children and I have discussed it with my Dr and he will support and ensure my safety and well being if I do get pregnant.. but I don’t know anymore. I’m confused.

 

Well. the point why I need to get this off my mind… we were talking about getting pregnant and discussing about our fears and I told them I’m on meds and I need it to get my moods stabilized. I have never really talked about this to my friends in recent years and  I just spoke about it and now I feel scared, fearful, weird and worried. It’s disconcerting.

 

I don’t think that they will judge me but when I was 23 and newly diagnosed after attempting suicide, I was lost, in denial and very afraid. I was hanging out with a group of friends who  I am now no longer in contact with. When I was initially diagnosed, I was really scared and I just keep talking about my moods, how I feel and all, but they slowly grew distant from me, ostracizing me and they finally told me they can’t cope with me. Even my then bf was avoiding me and I broke up with him. He fact is I grew to cope with my illness and I accepted that it’s part of me.. I have learnt to recognized my moods and learnt how to cope with it. I learnt to internalized it (well not really.. but I learnt who to talked abut it to) and I learnt who to trust and who to call for help. I can handle it.

 

Now, I feel vulnerable, exposed. I feel weird. I am not comfortable with how I’m feeling now. I just can’t trust people again, even though they are my closest friends. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel naked.

i want to die

i hate it.. where there are eyes around me, watching mw but no giving me the freedom i want.

I'm drinking vodka drinks with my meds. hope that it will eat me, that I can go and feel less worthless.

I hate my life. It's full of fuck.

I want to die.

but they spoil my plans.... you took out of my happy drugged state and talked about senseless stuffs like towels. when to wash......

I want to float and die and relax.... they all hate me, U hate myself. Wish I am dead. DEAD!!!!!

I so hate myself. I wish I can die tonight