Feeling very depressed and misearble again

Feeling that my life is meaningless & I'm so tired . I can't get the zest back in and I just want to sit at home and nt work. Dragged myself out and bracing for a short & uneventful day.

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A slice of cake, a slice of happiness?

I have bee having highs and lows. Nothing too drastic but noticeable to myself. can't really explain how I'm feeling.. one moment confident, another low and hating myself for everything.

Can't seems to learn my lessons in courting troubles. People will get bored of me so will I of others and myself. I can feel myself changing my mind and thoughts very often. I need to get the stability going in me, the lack of unwanted attention and troubles and I should be thankful of the goodness in my life and not itching to jeopardize it when things are going well.

My Dr ever told me that I like to do things to jeopardize my happiness or when everything seems to be going smoothly. Maybe there's still a part of me that feels I shouldn't be happy...

Anyway, recognising it is the first step for anything.

Bought a nice strawberry chestnut cake after work today and had it with a cold cup of coffee.

Hope you are well too.

Broke down and cried

I finally cried after so many months, the heartfelt deep wrenching kind. But I don't feel any better. I used to feel better when I cried but it doesn't seems to help very much this time.

It has been eating me for many weeks and I just keep rationalising how I feel, how I should feel and what not to feel, where not to go. How not to venture deep into that dark place in my mind. And it's always here, never really gone, waiting patiently to take over, to remind me that I'm just not normal... That I can pretend or think that I'm attractive & smart, but only it knows how ugly I really am. That beneath this smart, confident & competent exterior, I'm actually a complete wreck.

That I need another man's compliment when I have my husband's. That I'm flattered by attention and I let my vanity and ego rule. Was I maniac or I'm just being human? I did nt do anything wrong but would I if I did nt exercise control? I let someone messed with my mind and being messed up enough this brain of mine... I am in utter confusion by everything that had happened.

The boy I mentioned last week told me that he's afraid he will fall for me and thus nt want to mt me. That's ok, I'm flattered and I think less contact means less temptations and less chance I would do anything morally wrong. That was Wednesday. I couldn't sleep well. Last night he MSG some stuffs to me and the last MSG came at 2.30am! That woke me up and I couldn't sleep.

I was angry for being disturbed. And my mind is all messed up bcos of lack of sleep for 2 days.

Why would he want to play with my mind? Why did I allow it? I keep telling myself nt to get involved with new people and stay away from human relationships. Even at work I try to stay a distance.

Anyway, it's back and I dunno how to control it. I know it was here all along, waiting for the right moment to attack.

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my current mood & non-committal people

I hate to whine but I'm still feeling rather depressed and lonely. I keep wanting to cry and I couldn't sleep away the misery. I feel that everyone hates me. I know, it's just a feeling but I just can't  seems to get rid of it no matter how I rationalised it.

I got to know this much younger boy 2 weeks ago during training and he's very nice and all. My friends and I are trying to set him up with some friends. Anyway, we were suppose to meet for coffee today and he was supposed to call to set the time to meet. He msg me earlier say that he has diarrhoea and was going to see a Dr and will msg me timing later. To summarise, he didn't call nor msg and though I was prepared not to meet and all, I really hate it when a firm decision is not made.

I know I can get very fickle and moody and unpredictable but when I want to be alone or not to meet anyone whether I'm sick physically, mentally and what not, I would tell them that "sorry, won't be meeting you because of...." and not leave them hanging. Boys are so immature. What is it with firming up appointments? He's not the first, I knew some guys back then who leaves me hanging. Hey, I'm not a leech, if you are not interested to hang out, I won't cling.

Ok, ok.. I know I'm rambling and the poor boy could be sleeping because he's on meds and whatnot. It's just.. everything that happened the last few days just gets me down. I may be over reacting and sensitive but people doesn't seems to want to spend time with me nor talk to me.. And I am aware I'm depressed therefore rather needy and lonely and sensitive....

It's just after years of therapy, my Dr keeps telling me to get structure in my life and learn to be committed or at least try.. so I get very peeved when I get non-committal response from people around me.

I just feel so depressed and lousy and I can't talk myself out of it.

Appreciating the sky after a long day of rain

 Taken last Monday on the way home from my haircut.

depressed agian

I didn't have to work these 2 days and the weekend will be here tomorrow. I slept quite a bit yesterday but woke up early today.

I have been feeling depressed again today. Just felt so lost, unloved and lonely.. no idea what triggered it. Maybe I could have suppressed my emotions too much last week because I didn't want to think or feel anything. 

I can't breathe easily and the hole is back and I get teary for no reasons. 

I was on FB and I saw pictures of my friend's daughter and I feel like I'm missing something... that I could never be a mother and that is such a wonderful experience.

I'm gonna go watch my shows that I have recorded and never had the time to watch. Maybe TV will make me feel better.

And I will have to make a trip to the clinic to get my meds- must do so next week latest!

cuppa coffee

I was having training for the last 7 days, busy organising and ensuring that everything runs smoothly for sites visits. Had to put on multiple hats of public relations, personal assistant and event manager... I had fun, but was very tired at the end of each day that all I wanted to do is crawl in bed and sleep.

I love the coffee provided by the hotel, get a good caffeine kick at the start of each morning.

Night terror

I woke up at 3pm this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was I wish I'm dead. How sad is that? How terrifying.

I wish I didn't have to go through this again.

Going to work now.

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Need to rest

I've decided that I need a break (official) as I have working late far too often. I ended work yesterday at 530pm (suppose to work till 2pm - excluding lunch) and I was very tired. Anyway, I gave some thoughts about my working hours and decided that this is not conducive to my health and since I have been working late everyday and I can't seems to leave on time because there's too much work and everything seems to be on a deadline, I decided to take today off. And yes, if I work 5 hours tomorrow and on Friday, I would have still exceeded my 25hrs/week... since I worked extra 4 hrs last week... so this never ends really.

so, I would really love to complete my necessary tasks tomorrow and leave say 1.30pm?

worth a thought. My hubby and friends say, just shut down and leave on time, yet I can't seem to and I know it's my rights but I feel kinda bad. (see, how I just ask for trouble and stress... sigh...)

I had a good rest today, it rained and was cool. But I'm still so tired! I read a bit and watched many episodes of 90210 which I have recorded. Mood wise, not too good, but manageable. 

Wandering mind and overwhelmed over work

I can feel my mind going into places it's not suppose to go and I'm scared. I try hard to control it and I'm afraid to fail.

I have been overwhelmed with work. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way, I pushed myself too hard and too soon. I'm a contract worker and being part time, am paid lesser and requires to click in 25 hrs per week, so it sounds good right? That i can be in control since the boss told me that she's not onto micromanage and leaves the hours to me as long as I fulfill the hours and work given to me. The thing about me is I can't leave without finishing the task and I have staying late and working more hours than I should last week. An additional 4 hrs! I don't want to be petty and calculative but Im worried about people taking me for granted and advantage of me. they gave me alot of work whIch I'm grateful for (my supervisor in the last work plac hates me and was not keen to teach Me or gives my new tasks, complicating politics are hard to comprehend). But Im stressed by their demands becuse I work lesser hours , cos I'm a part timer !

I'm planning to leave on time this week as I will have to work longer hours next week due to training. But i'm stressed because I'm worried that I can't finish my work. I'm stressed and I have to keep talking sense to myself, reasoning and comforting.

I just feel trapped and forced into a corner which is not a good thing for me as the emotions and thoughts that surfaces will trigger my BP and I need to use every ounce of my brain cells to fight it. March is a fearful month for me and I'm trying to eliminate stressors and be aware of my surroundings and people who will affect or trigger something.

Short term goal: to leave at 1 pm to off set my 4 hrs from last week. To shut off when I'm home because I'm officially off work and a part timer do not bring work home. if they need my additional services,they would have to consider paying me OT.

I'm unsettled.

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