Missing 10

The air feels crisps today. Cool and it had a nostalgic feeling to it, like when I was 10, at my granny's place.

I remembered it to be around year end, when it was the school's holiday. I get this feeling often when X'mas is around the corner. I became obsessed with getting the moment again, to getting the feeling of security, of being in the past again.

I have been feeling really low. really down, really lousy. I have been taking my meds and feeling frustrated at night, I would drink vodka.. and get the high feelings that I miss.

It's strange, the uninhibited highs, of letting go when it is chemical or drug induced. It's a good feeling. I have either the lows or the ok moods nowadays. I can't feel much. This is what my Dr wants, the feeling of normals. He says I get to the extreme, so it is safe and best to keep the moods in the middle. But what am I now? It's dull, when I'm sad, I know I am sad, but.. I can't cry till I'm hoarse. It just stays in me. When I'm happy... gosh.. what in the world is happy?! I functioned. Being happy means functioning. When I'm feeling better and good, I cook, I watch TV series, I read, I get myself out of the house and meet people. I function what everyone does everyday. I don't get the highs much more. I don't believe that I will get better.. that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life. I don't believe in trying, in thinking that I will be somewhere in my career.. because this is who I am, I tried so hard at working.. but after 5 years at my previous job and getting all the "discrimination" and the implication of failure looks from my boss because she knew that I was on meds and sick. She attribute all my MCs, failure to work with a back stabbing irresponsible colleague and any frustrations to my illness. It was narrow minded and unfair. That was 6 mths ago. I left the job.

I went on to a new job which is very different. Alot of socialisation which eventually I cannot cope. I left after 4 months. Th pay was good. But I was dreading work and the signs I knew so well were coming.  I had to leave, before I have to go through another breakdown and face the embarrassing situation of explaining my conditions and what not to stranger ( my boss, the HR manger..etc) No more.

So I am home. Resting and hoping to get better to have an income.

Meds and drinks gave me an instant high and it me fall asleep very quickly. But I woke up at 6am. I tried to sleep more, but I can't. I missed the days when I was 1st diagnosed 7 yrs ago. When I could sleep and sleep the entire day away. When my body was new to meds and absorbed everything quickly. I can't really tell if my meds are working. But as long as I am "normal". I suppose it is at least doing something.

I hope I did not do anything stupid in my state last night.