I can't wash it away!

I don't feel good, my head is full of cobwebs, dusts and all these voices, all these thoughts. I can't make them go away and leave me. They taunt, they repeat and amplify my negativity loudly.

I feel small, despised, dirty and worthless. I can feel destructive behavior coming.. i saw a knife and I'm so tempted to slice in.. to see the red blood dribbles out and let my pain go away. That may not help and when I'm conscious, i would feel worse and hate myself for going back into bad behavior.

i want to die but i don't want to die yet. I want all of these to go away and leave me, that i can forever be in a drunken stupor and not think, not feel.

i want to cry and scream for help! the noises and dirt can't be washed away. please help me.

my Psy Dr is very disturbed by my low attacks. I want to ride this out instead of eating more meds again. when will it ever end? we have to monitor and I have to honest with him.

i do not want to be despised for living in a small flat, for having no space to out my books or sofa. I haven't found a flat to move. This mocking is like when i was young. mock, mock, mocking on not going to a better school, not learning or practicing piano hard enough, for living in a small flat and for having no dad. Live on handouts, subsidies they call it. I'm not rich, I'm despised,  I'm useless, I'm not pretty enough and I'm mocked because i looked pregnant! NO! I'm not... why would the world live me alone?

Why can't I have a job? why look down on me? why hurt me? why pity me? I'm entitled to a good life, yes my Psy Dr & hubs have told me I'm worthy of all good things. I deserved all of it after everything. Why don't you give it to me? why do the nightmare persists? why am i cursed with this mental illness???

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave - Hotel California

"Hotel California"

Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

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