359 days to go.

Happy New year everyone! It's 2010, isn't it great?

ok, a little forced enthuiasm here, but I'm trying with my heart and mind to be really positive and optimistic. When 201o rang in and the night was cool and breezy, I told myslef this is going to be a great year! Definitely much better than 2009 where I was back stabbed and lost my job because of jealousy and pure evilness and nothing to do with my illness as all. I worked really hard but because of bad mouthing and pretension of being nice and all, my supervisor turned the tables on me. I really hate her. I have never really dislike someone so intensely- not even the previous J at the ex workplace (Thinking back I could have handled that better) but this completely stuns me. How she talked to me, how 2 faced she is, one moment all sugar & nice and another spit & spite.

OK. sigh.

The thing is, I was really upset about the loss of the job, because I gave it my all. I kept to a routine, I slept early, avoid streesors within my control and I did my best. I felt betrayed by God, that why it had to happen this way, when I tried so hard.

Then there's my health.

I had a fainting episode and the A&E Dr suspects it was a seizure. My left side was weaker and I was giddy all the time. I had to be admitted and had CT & MRI brain and the works. This became one of the excuses to rid me from my workplace.

Than after the zap, I was ok. I went to work as normal, didn't have a break down as I thought I would have went I lost my job and when all seems well ( I patted myself on the back for handling the disasters in my life with grace)... I was infected with H1N1 at the peak of the outbreak here where nothing seems confirmed, people dies and the no. of people infected was on the news everyday. And I was supposed to go to Taiwan for my wedding anniversary trip. 2 days before, I was having a bad sore throat and started having a fever as high as 39.4 degrees celsius. I thought I was going to die when they swabbed me. And I had drug reaction to Tamiflu and I had rashes on my body with very pronounced rash on my thighs. I had to continue with Tamiflu because that was the miracle drug see, that was the only drug known to treat H1N1 then. And at that moment I knew that if the allergy does not disappear on it own, I would have anaphylaxis and I was truly scared. I had food and drug allergic reaction before and was treated at the hospital 10 years ago for anaphylaxis. Flushing, hives, diarrhoea, airways closing- all happened. 

I am thankful the worst didn't happen. The rashes flared and died down on its own. I didn't die.

It was at this moment that I realised that I want to live and when I get depressed and hopeless with myself, I tried really hard to remember this incident and convinced myself that I WANT TO LIVE! It's hard when the future is bleak and when I'm convinced that I'm a good for nothing useless bum that no one wants to hire you (I'm waiting for an interview and there're no calls) and when the mood suddenly hits rock bottom after a couple days high.

The point of this post is - yay, good riddance 2009.

And how much I sincerely want this year to be  abetter year for me. Of course 2009 has alot to be thankful for. Trips and meeting up with friends and all the love I received.

I want to live better. Not like this. Better and I have to try. I have never written goals but maybe this year I will try. Nothing impressive but I should. Even simple things like "read more than 50 books" sounds good. And of course "get a job", better if "get a job I really like" but beggars can't be choosers.

The thing is, this year and maybe even the next will be difficult for all of us. Things may not go according to plan, and we may not be able to control our moods but hang in there. Wish a little, pray and believe that somehow things may change and one day we can live the life we can only dream of.

Happy New Year. Let's hang on together.

 

Clarity of the Moon. Looking at it in awe, I can't help but make a wish.