I'm feeling sick and mind is woozy with thoughts

I have a lot of things to say but I'm feeling sick and tired and was not in the mood to blog.

Anyway, my head hurts, my eyes hurts & I think I'm running a fever. Not to mention that my eyes are itchy and watery and my nose is runny. Boo hoo =(

To summarise, I went for a job interview last week for a part time contract position. If they want to hire me, will start work next week. I hope to start in Feb though. Will know by Friday latest. (More abt work topic when I'm not so drowsy) I have so much to say, feel, think about my work life.

Hubby bought me a new iPhone for a present and I'm stoked! Happy as a clam! Wanted one since it came out Jan 2009 but it was monopolised by 1 telco and I didn't want to spend money on my phone. Always believed that a cell phone is for texting and calls, now I'm a convert! I have always loved Apple product. Had been using Apple Laptop since 2003! and had a few iPods too. And I had the urge to spend money and buy pretty pretty stuffs!

Went for Dr T consult on Monday. Dr T noticed that I was edgy and happy and a little high. I noticed I was high and deep down I was afraid I may crashed. We spoke about my dreams for this year, how I wanted to get a job, have time to do my job and be with myself and family, looking forward to get a new home this year, because we have been living with my mum for 2.5 years after our wedding and we are actively looking for apartments in this area that are not too expensive. My mummy will move in with us. So getting a house is a financial burden, that's why I need to work. I also spoke abt wanting to further my studies and get a Master degree. He asked my to slow down and was worried that I may be taking on too much at one time. Oh yes, I was also toying to get a second part time job to get an extra income.

I know myself, I tend to take on alot when I'm feeling good, because I know I'm capable and can do it. But I'm also worried that I may crash and when I do, I can't cope or do anything at all, and that affects my self esteem and mental state. He wanted me to observe my mood and to call if I get high beyond control or do stuffs of danger to myself. Asked if hub has made comments or noticed. I do feel good and at the back of my mind, I knew I had to watch myself if I feel low again.

I explained regarding the mixed mood I had, irritated, edgy, unable to concentrate, yet can't slow down my mind and want to do so much in such a little time. Depressed yet high on life and ideas.

So maybe that explains why I'm tired and I'm a little depressed. My mood has dipped and I'm having seconds and third thoughts about working because I'm afraid I couldn't cope and I may just embarrassed myself by being stupid and giving up.

One goal this year is to find a job and work through the year and not give up halfway. Hopefully no breakdown and if do, learn to maneuver around it, cope and still work and perform. Does this sounds unreasonable? I have to learn and start somewhere right?

I'm woozy but can't sleep and I hope my mood will bounce back and I can get some confidence to live on.

Marian Keyes & my story

I've read in the papers on Sunday that one of my favourite author Marian Keyes is suffering from depression and she "can't eat, sleep. write, read or talk to people" 

I first started reading her books in 2000 and taking time to read was difficult at that point in my life. I was studying for my degree and working full time. I had an unreasonable ex bf who complains about my studying and believed that weekends should not be spent in doors. Weekends should be spent going out, having fun and spending alot of money. He doesn't understand that I am tired and very stressed. That it's not an easy task to study and work at the same time. I had to rush to school at 6pm or 7pm depending and my workday only ends at 5.30pm. And I earn peanuts then.. I need to save the money for my future (I'd imagined it would be very good) and for my education and for rainy days.

I was very tired, I do not have enough sleep, I needed to do my assignments and study for exams and he just don't understand. He refuses to let me stay home on weekends, wants to talk on the phone every night and restrict my time with my friends (He thinks more time should be spent with him and if I'm tired, spend less time with my friends). I was 23, he was 27. I think he was a huge contributing factor to my breakdown. We quarreled a lot, I felt my head was exploding, I was angry all the time, I slammed tables, threw things and cry. I couldn't make sense of how I felt. I was so angry and yet so empty, so sad. He kept pushing me to get married and I couldn't do it... I felt trapped by the days and one day I snapped. We were quarreling on the overhead bridge and I wanted to jump down on the incoming traffic. Death suddenly seems so tempting, so inviting and I wanted to make sense of how I feel, of how much I wanted to get away from him...

I seek help and I was admitted for a week in a private institution. I was ashamed, I had to defer my classes and I lost my job. I felt naked that my boss had to see me like this and I felt that I had disappointed my family (my mum kept blaming herself) and that I had single handedly ruin my own future.

My ex bf grew distant when I was discharged. I was what Marian Keyes described "can't eat, can't sleep, can't read, can't talk to anyone". The medications helped with my anger but I was left with an empty soul and when the anger was gone, I didn't know how or what to feel and I was stunned and stoned.

He felt that I was no fun to be around and started to go out on his own on weekends. He just didn't want to be around me very much. But the irony is, he was still fixated on getting married. I don't he wanted to marry me because he loved me, but because we have been together for 2 years then and he was desperate to fulfill his goal to be married by 30. I couldn't marry him and he was angry. We broke up. My life fell apart. Thinking back, I lost everything then, I lost my friends whom I quarreled with ex bf over because they too did not want to be with someone who "can't snap out of it". I lost my friends, lost my bf, lost my job, lost everything I had known. Oh yes, money that I have saved too, to pay for my medical bills.

I became someone else. I am alone and I known that my life can never be an open book again. That I will have to have a secret life.

In hindsight, I got closer to my family. My mum and now hubby who was the kindest soul & friend to treat me then.

Marian Keyes brought me back to those days. And the friendship I have with h, who went through what I did. She encourages me and gave me an option to seek professional help. We shared books and thoughts together. I haven't read MK last 2 books (h told me it wasn't  as nice) but I read most of her older books and my favorite is Rachel's holiday. 

This book keep me entertain and it helped me get the ball rolling to start reading again. It's funny, tongue in cheek and describes the fear of being admitted and isolated.

I will add the 2 new MK books to my growing list of books to read and I hope she will feel better soon.

Marian Keyes's Newsletter Jan 2010 

Marian Keyes: crippling depression has made my life a living hell

That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

*

The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.
John Milton

*

One of my favourites that I read some time ago. I used to call it avoidance but now I do it to protect myself and I chose another road.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson’s “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk“

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359 days to go.

Happy New year everyone! It's 2010, isn't it great?

ok, a little forced enthuiasm here, but I'm trying with my heart and mind to be really positive and optimistic. When 201o rang in and the night was cool and breezy, I told myslef this is going to be a great year! Definitely much better than 2009 where I was back stabbed and lost my job because of jealousy and pure evilness and nothing to do with my illness as all. I worked really hard but because of bad mouthing and pretension of being nice and all, my supervisor turned the tables on me. I really hate her. I have never really dislike someone so intensely- not even the previous J at the ex workplace (Thinking back I could have handled that better) but this completely stuns me. How she talked to me, how 2 faced she is, one moment all sugar & nice and another spit & spite.

OK. sigh.

The thing is, I was really upset about the loss of the job, because I gave it my all. I kept to a routine, I slept early, avoid streesors within my control and I did my best. I felt betrayed by God, that why it had to happen this way, when I tried so hard.

Then there's my health.

I had a fainting episode and the A&E Dr suspects it was a seizure. My left side was weaker and I was giddy all the time. I had to be admitted and had CT & MRI brain and the works. This became one of the excuses to rid me from my workplace.

Than after the zap, I was ok. I went to work as normal, didn't have a break down as I thought I would have went I lost my job and when all seems well ( I patted myself on the back for handling the disasters in my life with grace)... I was infected with H1N1 at the peak of the outbreak here where nothing seems confirmed, people dies and the no. of people infected was on the news everyday. And I was supposed to go to Taiwan for my wedding anniversary trip. 2 days before, I was having a bad sore throat and started having a fever as high as 39.4 degrees celsius. I thought I was going to die when they swabbed me. And I had drug reaction to Tamiflu and I had rashes on my body with very pronounced rash on my thighs. I had to continue with Tamiflu because that was the miracle drug see, that was the only drug known to treat H1N1 then. And at that moment I knew that if the allergy does not disappear on it own, I would have anaphylaxis and I was truly scared. I had food and drug allergic reaction before and was treated at the hospital 10 years ago for anaphylaxis. Flushing, hives, diarrhoea, airways closing- all happened. 

I am thankful the worst didn't happen. The rashes flared and died down on its own. I didn't die.

It was at this moment that I realised that I want to live and when I get depressed and hopeless with myself, I tried really hard to remember this incident and convinced myself that I WANT TO LIVE! It's hard when the future is bleak and when I'm convinced that I'm a good for nothing useless bum that no one wants to hire you (I'm waiting for an interview and there're no calls) and when the mood suddenly hits rock bottom after a couple days high.

The point of this post is - yay, good riddance 2009.

And how much I sincerely want this year to be  abetter year for me. Of course 2009 has alot to be thankful for. Trips and meeting up with friends and all the love I received.

I want to live better. Not like this. Better and I have to try. I have never written goals but maybe this year I will try. Nothing impressive but I should. Even simple things like "read more than 50 books" sounds good. And of course "get a job", better if "get a job I really like" but beggars can't be choosers.

The thing is, this year and maybe even the next will be difficult for all of us. Things may not go according to plan, and we may not be able to control our moods but hang in there. Wish a little, pray and believe that somehow things may change and one day we can live the life we can only dream of.

Happy New Year. Let's hang on together.

 

Clarity of the Moon. Looking at it in awe, I can't help but make a wish.

please understand when I don't answer the phone

I wanted to write a proper post with deep words that describes how I'm feeling. But I  can't. I can't describe how I feel, can't put down my mood into words.

Today as I update my resume, I am struck again with how useless I am, looking at the gaps between the jobs, I was forced to remember what happen during those lapsed months and there was a period where I can't remember what I did, or what happened. How did all those time just passed me by like that? I am scared... scared of this happening over and over again. I felt a sense of loss and emptiness and the hope and the optimism I experienced fades away.

I just feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Stupid. Useless.

Then, I chanced upon November by Azure Ray, one of my favourite artist who also sang "Displaced" and I realized.. this is how I feel.

The lyrics:

I was afraid to be alone 

Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be

I really just want to be alone. I'm giving excuses that I'm busy so I don't have to meet people. Friends whose company I enjoyed awhile ago suddenly seems too eager for me.

And now my sorrow seems so far away

Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 

But I turn them off and tuck them away 

'till these rainy days that make them stay 

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 

And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday 

And I dont think they'll ever go away 

Days I thought I'm happy again and will be here to stay forever are taken away in a moment of chemical change. Pain and emptiness clenched my heart and make me gasp for sanity. The tears momentarily released the vent of pent up frustration. Crying makes me feel better. My eyes and head hurts.

And i think I'll want to be alone 

So please understand if I dont answer the phone 

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 

Until I can see nothing at all 

To snuggle under the solitude with my TV and hope sanity will come home again.

So I'm waiting for this test to end 
So these lighter days can soon begin 
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree 
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly 
I was afraid to be alone 
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be 
All these faces none the same 
How can there be so many personalities 
So many lifeless empty hands 
So many hearts in great demand 
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain 
But I turn them off and tuck them away 
'till these rainy days that make them stay 
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs 
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday 
And I dont think they'll ever go away 
Just like thinking of your childhood home 
But we cant go back we're on our own 
But i'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself 
So were speeding towards that time of year 
To the day that marks that you're not here 
And i think I'll want to be alone 
So please understand if I dont answer the phone 
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls 
Until I can see nothing at all 
Only particles some fast some slow 
All my eyes can see is all I know 
But I'm about to give this one more shot 
And find it in myself 
I'll find it in myself

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Brittany Murphy dead? Can't be.

I can't believe that she's dead! I just watched "Ramen Girl" a couple of weeks ago, not to mention "Girl, Interrupted".

People don't die at 32 from cardiac arrest. It's too sudden.

Brittany Murphy, 32, dies mysteriously in her Los Angeles home

Actress Brittany Murphy dead at 32

Christmas lights at home

Toffe Nut Latte - my favourite Christmas drink since 2006.

Starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might.

My Christmas lights at home

Say "Hello" to my snowman at my door!

It's 4 more days to Christmas! Will be having a X'mas party at a friend's place during lunch, no plans for dinner and for the rest of the day, will see how it goes.

During the last couple of years, X'mas also means having a great break as my company has mandatory holiday till New Year. This year, for some reasons, I do not experience the same excitements or anticipations. On the other hand, I felt apprehension and anxiety, because I have nothing to show for myself since the year is ending and 2010 is approaching in 10 days. I'm worried because I haven't found a job and that I'm wasting away. I just feel uneasy and worried.

Anyhow, this is a lovely time for celebrations and joy and I always believe in the magic of Christmas and the lovely smell that the wind brings in at the end of the year.

I wish all of my friends a Merry Christmas and may peace and joy be with you all.

Reading List Jan-Nov 09

I can't believe I have read so many books this year, well,  I do have a lot of free time on my hands though. Although I have came across some reading blogs that have bloggers reading a whole lot more and I'm so impressed! 

New target for next year then. Gambette!

One great book to recommend: 

47. The Neighbor by Lisa Gardner

My 2 cents worth: "Great book. Twisted and disturbing, a part of character continuation from "Say Goodbye". I couldn't put it down and everything finally made sense in the end when you link the 2 books together."

59. Wings: more than 50 high flying recipes for America, Debbie Moose - CB

58. The Pearl Diver, Sujata Masey - R

57. The Floating Girl, Sujata Massey - R

56. The Flower Master, Sujata Massey - R

55. Zen Attitude, Sujata Massey - R

54. The Salaryman's Wife, Sujata Massey -R

53. Madness: A Biploar Life, Marya Hornbacher -Bio

52. The Omega-3 Connection, Andrew L Stoll MD - NF

51."The Perfect Christmas","Debbie Macomber"

50."Gabriel's Angel","Nora Roberts"

49."First Impressions: First Impressions\Blithe Images","Nora Roberts"

48."Divine Evil","Nora Roberts"

47."The Neighbor","Lisa Gardner"

46."Smash Cut","Sandra Brown"

44/45."Be My Valentine: My Funny Valentine\My Hero","Debbie Macomber"

42/43."Wyoming Brides: Denim and Diamonds\The Wyoming Kid","Debbie Macomber"

41."Sooner or Later LP","Debbie Macomber"

40."Homeport","Nora Roberts"

39."Practically Perfect","Katie Fforde"

37/38."Two Of A Kind: Impulse\The Best Mistake (Mira Hardbacks)","Nora Roberts"

36."Ghost Moon","Karen Robards",

35."Body Double (Jane Rizzoli, Book 4)","Tess Gerritsen"

34."Red Lily (In the Garden, Book 3)","Nora Roberts"

33."Black Rose: In the Garden Trilogy (In the Garden)","Nora Roberts"

32."Blue Dahlia(In the Garden, Book 1)","Nora Roberts"

31."Shanghai Girls: A Novel","Lisa See"

29/30."Married In Seattle: First Comes Marriage\Wanted: Perfect Partner","Debbie Macomber"

28."Poppy Done to Death: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery","Charlaine Harris"

27."The Apprentice (Jane Rizzoli, Book 2)","Tess Gerritsen"

26."Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden Mysteries, Book 1)","Charlaine Harris"

25."If You Live Like Me","Lori Weber"

24."Morning Comes Softly (Harper Monogram)","Debbie Macomber"

23."The Killing Hour","Lisa Gardner"

22."Hide","Lisa Gardner"

21."Looking for Peyton Place: A Novel","Barbara Delinsky"

20."Gone","Lisa Gardner"

19."Chesapeake Blue (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts"

18."Inner Harbor: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #3 (Quinn Brothers)","Nora Roberts",

17."Rising Tides: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #2 (The Quinn Brothers Trilogy)","Nora Roberts",

16."Sea Swept: The Chesapeake Bay Saga #1 (Chesapeake Bay Mysteries)","Nora Roberts"

15."The Surgeon: A Novel","Tess Gerritsen"

14."Knit Two: A Friday Night Knitting Club Novel","Kate Jacobs"

13."The Friday Night Knitting Club","Kate Jacobs"

12."Key of Valor","Nora Roberts","0515136530"

11."Key of Knowledge","Nora Roberts"

10."Key of Light","Nora Roberts"

9. "Say Goodbye","Lisa Gardner"

8. "Blue Smoke and Murder","Elizabeth Lowell"

7. "Meet Me in Venice","Elizabeth Adler"

6. "Tribute","Nora Roberts"

5. "Midnight Bayou","Nora Roberts",

4. "Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity","Michael Lewis" - NF

3. "Out of the Blue","Belinda Jones"

2. "Girl in a Box (Rei Shimura Mysteries)","Sujata Massey"

1. "Where Are You Now?: A Novel","Mary Higgins Clark"

Recharged and happy

I'm back from my short trip to Malacca. It was great! I had a fantastic time and I went a little crazy shopping and eating all the awesome food! We walked a lot and met plenty of kind & polite people there. I feel happy.

I'm feeling lazy today. Reading blogs and going to watch some TV later. Really need to have a job, need to get my butt up and work for passion, money.. whatever.. I have to. I can't survive too long on my savings and I need to get my brain working again.

Hope there're good job opportunities in the classified tomorrow.

road trip!

I'm not sleepy and I woke up at 5am yesterday morning after falling asleep at 1230am. wide eyed at 5am in the morning is not fun. I was willing myself to doze back to sleep or to get up and surf the net. Sleeps beckons.

Anyway, I will be calling it a night soon - there's simply too many things to do online! and going to sleep and hopefully be up at 745am. Going for a short trip with friends and please pray for me that nothing happen on the roads and during the trip. That all of us will be safe and sound.

Good night.

Butterfly Fly Away

I watched "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and I fell in love with a few songs and the energy. It's targeted for kids and I'm already moving on in my age, but it's fun and it's nice. Sometimes all you need are things that make you happy and chick flicks are one of them.

My granny and mum took care of me as a child and this song brought me back to 3 when I was a pesky toddler, to 7 when I started P1 and to 9, when I had to take my streaming exams in Primary school. I wished I had a dad to be part of this, but he died 1 month before I was born due to an accident. I think this song perfectly describes the relationship a little girl would like with her father, or what I would like to have. But I'm  thankful to my mum & granny for being there and I'm sad and crying because I miss what I couldn't have.

My heart hurts when I thought of them trying to get me into better school,  but were turned away by the elite school because of my single parent status. A kind sister interviewed and accepted me into a convent school and here I am. I've always wonder how I would be like if I ended up in a neighborhood school or an elite school. How would my health be like. Which way of the scale would I tip over? Be part of a gang? Or trying desperately trying to fit in the upper class like "Gossip Girls" and "The OC"?

It's now back to basic and I want to dedicate this song to my mum and granny for all those years.

Butterfly Fly Away

You tucked me in, turned out the light

Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair

Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana

"Hannah Montana: The movie"© WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY;

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