Friday, April 9, 2010

Broke down and cried

I finally cried after so many months, the heartfelt deep wrenching kind. But I don't feel any better. I used to feel better when I cried but it doesn't seems to help very much this time.

It has been eating me for many weeks and I just keep rationalising how I feel, how I should feel and what not to feel, where not to go. How not to venture deep into that dark place in my mind. And it's always here, never really gone, waiting patiently to take over, to remind me that I'm just not normal... That I can pretend or think that I'm attractive & smart, but only it knows how ugly I really am. That beneath this smart, confident & competent exterior, I'm actually a complete wreck.

That I need another man's compliment when I have my husband's. That I'm flattered by attention and I let my vanity and ego rule. Was I maniac or I'm just being human? I did nt do anything wrong but would I if I did nt exercise control? I let someone messed with my mind and being messed up enough this brain of mine... I am in utter confusion by everything that had happened.

The boy I mentioned last week told me that he's afraid he will fall for me and thus nt want to mt me. That's ok, I'm flattered and I think less contact means less temptations and less chance I would do anything morally wrong. That was Wednesday. I couldn't sleep well. Last night he MSG some stuffs to me and the last MSG came at 2.30am! That woke me up and I couldn't sleep.

I was angry for being disturbed. And my mind is all messed up bcos of lack of sleep for 2 days.

Why would he want to play with my mind? Why did I allow it? I keep telling myself nt to get involved with new people and stay away from human relationships. Even at work I try to stay a distance.

Anyway, it's back and I dunno how to control it. I know it was here all along, waiting for the right moment to attack.

Sent from my iPhone

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1 comment:

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