The monster came

I woke up very scared on Monday. It's like my world has been swallowed and I'm in this great deep black hole that is so dark, so evil that there's no way out.
I couldn't sleep well and I feel dead. My thoughts were running the whole night and I couldn't get out of it. I felt defeated and dead. "How can I kill myself today?" These were the thoughts that just keep running though my mind.

The despair scares me, I knew the big fall, the depression, the despair. I felt it in my blood, in my mind. How it mocks me, how I can't keep it away.

I was put on Zoloft again after being off for awhile. Anti depressives can make me manic. It helped. I'm functioning but I know the monster is just temporarily suppressed.

I'm happy that it's Thursday and it's just one more day of work, but just like my condition, the cycles starts over and over again.