Friday, March 20, 2009

This made yesterday easier to bear


I was still feeling down but forced myself to work yesterday. I had to. My colleague is on leave and I have to cover her study. I am a research coordinator and this involves meeting and talking to alot of people and it's hard when you are depressed but you have to put on a front and just do it. It was a very tiring day yesterday and I went home beat.

Back to the morning, while I was dragging my feet up the stairs to the bus stop, I saw this tiger cat sleeping in such an adorable way. I went closer and took out my phone and it woke up and looked at me, and upon realizing that all I want is a picture, it promptly covered its eyes! This made me smile and I felt slightly better that I can get on with the day. 

Work was tiring and I got snapped at. I went home and I cried, the dam broke and my tears couldn't stop. I woke up puffy eyed and a very dazed Jessica.

Anyway I had a training course today and it ended early. I reached home at 5pm and at 520 saw that I've a missed call at 511. I called back and the Dr asked if I'm still around to see a patient to explain regarding the research. I told her I've left. I felt guilty that I left and I'm worried if she will think the worst of me. She said never mind, can see next week. But the conflicting thought is it's already 520pm and today we end work at 530pm It's Friday after all. I hate holding work phone.

I must stop learning to be guilty and get upset over such matters. Who are they to judge? If  I can do my work that all that matters. But what happen if I can't work well? I'm fearful.

Anyway I'm home and the weekend is here. I'm feeling very fearful and teary and my heart seems to be pounding in a hollow space. I can hear it go "thud thud thud".

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